I don't know what I did wrong.
I'm new to the life so maybe I missed something.
I gave him everything he requested.
I'm not experienced with sex toys.
I've never had an electric vibrator put inside of me...
He put a collar on me first.
I let him restrain me; first my left wrist then right.
I watched as he tied down my left ankle then my right one.
Then he blindfold me.
I trusted him.
I felt safe.
We honor the consideration period.
He courted me.
Wooed me.
He made me feel like his baby girl.
I wanted to please him.
I wanted him.
I let him blindfold me.
He knew I don't like surprises.
I'm tied down to the bed.
Aroused.
Wet.
Hungry for my first sub/dom sexual dynamic to be everything I dreamed.
BAM!
Pain.
Shock.
Surprise.
The vibrator in my vagina goes on at a thousand watts. I feel like I'm frying on the inside.
I can't see.
I can’t move.
He fumbles with the remote control.
I scream, “Get it out of me!!!” I'm thrashing around in the bed like one of the women you see in the movies who’s been abducted by a serial killer trying to escape.
He apologies and says it's only a vibrator. He quickly removes the the vibrator, restraints, the blindfold.
We make eye contact.
He looks stunned.
I see a stranger.
I watch him see the trust I have for him slam shut like 12 armored doors slamming shut one after another.
Just like my heart.
I roll into the fetal position to try to get my body to stop shaking. I have PTSD. I'm trying to get my body to calm down.
My dom walks out of the bedroom, let's my service dog our of his travel bag to comfort me, then leaves.
I'm in the dark.
Shaking.
He left me.
Alone.
Alone to deal with this.
He comes back later and slowly packs his things. I have to fight my way out of the haze of trauma to find out whats going on.
“Why are you leaving?”
“I thought you would want to be alone. So I will go home. You can spend the night in the suite and I will call you tomorrow.”
Now I'm stunned.
I thought my dom was supposed to take care of me. Make me feel safe.
But he keeps packing.
I put my feelings in the basement of my heart and start tending to him.
“I'm not angry with you. It was a mistake. I know you would never do something malicious to hurt me. I don't want you to go. Please stay.”
He won't look at me.
He seems angry at me.
I don't know why.
As the weekend continues, he becomes more and more critical of me. And he starts to do and say things that hurt my feelings.
That night, I have an anxiety attack in bed where my body shakes.
His ex-wife calls.
He accidentally takes the call and proceeds to have a conversation with her while I'm shaking.
The next morning we are talking and he calls me a pain in the ass.
He’s never talked to me like that before.
I drive back to my home and he texts. We texted back and forth and I think we are fine. But something I said must have offended him.
I called him and we talked. He talked and I listened. I asked him was he seeking reassurance.
He said no.
I asked was I listening or did he want me to talk?
He said talked.
So I addressed his concerns but he seemed insulted. He then talked about my career and how so many people loved and needed me.
He then said that he no longer thinks he's the right man for me because of my career.
I'm stunned.
The week before he told me God told him we would marry.
We got off the phone and he started to text me how I didn't care about his feelings.
How I'm always telling him what to do.
I texted him that I honor his choice and would give him time to process if he was the right man for me. I suggested we take a week to process all that had transpired this week.
He texted back I was grounding him.
The more I engaged the more ugly and petty his responses became.
He told me to not bother responding.
So I didn't.
I don't know what I did wrong that would make him treat me so.
I'm simply don't know...
