As a new sub, I was swept away by my first relationship with a Gentleman/Daddy dom.
We dated for four months. It was magical. Our relationship ended because I have special needs (PTSD) and the dom I was in a relationship with needed a sub who could take care of his abandonment needs. One of the things that happen when I am triggered is my high-functioning skills disappear. I cannot talk. For him, he took that to mean I was punishing/resisting/disobeying him. I wasn't. I needed to lower the threat in order for me to feel safe enough to talk. That takes time. He would get upset, storm out of the room, accusing me of being abusive toward him, or leave because he felt like I was being cold. I wasn't but I couldn't help him understand my special needs required time to process and to get back to balance.
That being said, I learned a lot from this experience and I am much more clear on what I need from a gentleman/daddy dom going forward:
1. Honor my boundaries. My previous dom was moody, reactionary, and impulsive. He would agree to something and then do something else. He would persist until I gave him his way. The irony was I would have given him everything if he would have been patient with my process.
2. Accountable. I have special needs. That means I require care that others may not, specifically around what is said, tone, and word choice. Calling me abusive cut me to my core. I come from an extremely abusive background. For him to use that word made my heart weep and bleed at the same time. He became upset because I didn't kiss him good morning and left to take my dog to daycare as he suggested. I said I was being "cold." I was processing the night before, not withholding. I can see how he could see my lack of dotting attention would read to him as cold. I was in a reaction to giving him annal sex (more or that later.) When I called he refused to pick me up. He accused me of abandoning him and left before I came home. The more I explained myself and requested he hear me out via talking instead of texting, the more he lashed out. He couldn't be accountable for the things he communicated in his anger. Going forward I will only be in a relationship with a dom who is accountable for his actions.
3. Respects my power. I am a sub by choice. I am a highly successful entrepreneur and run things in my day-to-day life. I choose to submit to my dom. My previous dom said he respected my power but really wanted a sub who was more agreeable, dotting, and passive. That's not me. Going forward I will look out for red flags for doms who say they respect a woman with power, but truly wants something else.
4. Overgiving. When I love someone, I want to make them happy. I have weak boundaries when I love. I didn't want to do annal sex. But my dom did. I told him no multiple times. He persisted. I thought as his sub I should try. I did and it was ok. But then I became fearful that I had overgiven. I have to figure out how to tell my dom no and stick with it. But as a sub, aren't I supposed to obey? I haven't quite figured this part out yet. :-)
5. Slow down. My dom was very persistent, very fast, and very overwhelming. At first, I tried to pace but after a while, I surrendered to his neck-breaking pace. It was exhilarating. Looking back, I think if I could have resisted him more and gone slower, perhaps he could have gained a better understanding of me and my needs in a more comprehensive way.
I am still processing it all. I did the best I could and I loved him fully. I am doing my best to not turn myself into the villain. He had a practice of listing out all he has done for me. It made me feel obligated. He would say all the things he did that I asked him to do, but he only did them half-ass. He never owned them or did them for his own growth and development. He just paraded his actions in front of me when he wanted to prove how good he was to me and how I should feel grateful. And I was. But he didn't need to do that. I expressed my gratitude continually and in public ways. But it was never enough. None of my expressions of love fulfilled him. Not in a substantive way. It was very disheartening that my expressions fell short of his expectations.
He had a double standard. He wanted me to know that I should kiss him in the morning, but he didn't tell me or do it himself. We were in Vagas for my birthday and I was sharing something emotionally intimate. Instead of affirming me, he critiqued me. My feelings were hurt and I spoke up for myself. He became upset and said I always found fault with how he says things. Then he left the room in an upset and watched TV in the living room. When I tried to talk to him about it, he says he was giving me space, but he never address the way he left. It was the first night in three years I was without my service dog, and he knew this.
And yet he still left me alone.
I could feel my anxiety rising and went downstairs. I found a dance floor and had a GREAT time! When I came back up to the suite, he was sleeping on the couch. I put on my music to soothe myself and he surprised me by coming to bed. He wanted to make love and I was still upset. But I felt like he needed it so I agreed. He asked me where I went. I told him about dancing and how much fun I had. He became upset, turned his back to me, and went to sleep. When I awoke in the morning he was back on the coach. I felt very lonely. He didn't kiss me in the morning nor was he warm. But he expected me to be toward him. My anxiety skyrocketed and I packed my things, picked up my service animal from boarding, and drove home to LA. I folded his clothes so he would know I wasn't angry. He flew back and blamed me for missing his son's birthday via text.
I know he is a good man. And he was good to me. Except when he was triggered. I understand triggers. But his way of fighting hurts me and takes days to recover from. I am clear that ANY relationship I am in will be triggering. So I am thinking through what do I need to put in place to be with a dom who is right for me so I can give my whole heart.
Perhaps I am wrong and as a sub, and am supposed to anticipate my doms needs. But I suck at reading between the lines and guessing. But I honored all of his requests so I am unclear how I could anticipate his expectation of morning kisses or to not go dancing to feel better without him.
With all of that being said, I am thankful for my first Dom relationship. I learned a lot. And I am grateful.
Any and all wisdom is welcome, but please, be kind.
Thanks.
TopezSky
