How do you process a D/s relationship thst you didn’t want to end?
Two years ago I was left leaving my collar and my promise ring on my Doms table. While he was away. He couldn’t face me to end things. He did it over a phone call while I was at his place. The hurt, the pain, the numb feeling is still there even after all that time.
I had therapy yesterday, and we talked about this person. We talked about what he looked like from the moment I saw him. Little bits of our relationship in between. To the moment he walked out of my life. The problem was, it wasn’t for good. He still tries to come in my life when he wants to hunt.
What I am learning through the course of my words is how abusive he was. I never saw it, and still really don’t. Does an abused person ever see the abuse? When I talked to my therapist and talked to a friend of mine they told me he was mentally and emotionally abusive. It was his actions that showed this. Sometimes his words. He never could tell the truth. I honestly believe he is a pathological liar.
What is getting me right now, is when you have a scene go wrong. All this time you knew something was off about it. You were so accustomed to abuse that you blew off his behavior. Said what he did was ok. When you knew deep down it wasn’t ok. I mean, how could I condone that behavior? Somehow, I did.
When he cheated on me with another member of the community. I took him back. Yet, I should have never did that. I put all the blame on her. All my anger I have is at her and not at him. How, can I put blame on him? I know it takes two tango. She was a mastermind at what she did. She knew how to trigger him into having sex.
Here I am trying to figure out how to tell my therapist on Friday that once again, I was assaulted by someone I brought into my life. I need to figure out how be mad at this person I loved, and still love. I don’t know how. I need to find a way to process this in a healthy way. Not have it eat me alive.
As much as I love the community, it has hurt me. Time and time and time again. Somehow I still want to stay and come back to it. I know not everyone is bad. Yet, I find the bad ones. Not on purpose. I’m just learning, it’s all I have ever known. I have learned abuse is what has been instilled in me since I was 12 years of age. Now, how do I get away from it? How do I see these red flags everyone else sees.
What bothers me the most is, my mom is like “he was so perfect. The whole family loved him”. Yeah, they did. They family didn’t know about the scene that went bad. They didn’t know he was still legally married going through a divorce. They didn’t know he slept with someone else. Cheating is in his blood. In a 40 year marriage he cheated on his wife 38 times. I was so stupid, I didn’t walk away when I find out. I thought I was going to be different.
I want to scream and yell. Tell him how bad I’m hurt. Tell him how I can’t hate him and yet I need too. I need to yell at the women he slept with. Be like why did she do it? Why was she so jealous of what I had. Take the one thing I ever wanted in my life. I can’t do that. I just can’t.
My brain hears things but it doesn’t comprehend anything people are telling me. I wish I knew how to do that. I know it’s going to take time. Again, how. All this pain I have is so superficial. I know the real pain and the real hurt is buried so deep. When I think of that pain, I am numb. It’s like I turned it off. I turned it off so I could live. The heartbreak I felt was unlike I felt before. Thinking of him brings tears to my eyes. Even two years later.
