Over the past few weeks I have had people ask me about my walls. Ask me why they are so high and people can’t get in. On top of the years of abuse I endured, people are mean and cruel. I get my walls are high. I get they are too high for some people to reach. If they are higher for you, then they aren’t for you to take down, honestly, stop trying. My abuse I’m so candid about is the assaults that I endured for years. From sexual, to rape, to being molested. Years of it from people I knew and I trusted. What I never talk about, is the emotional abuse that I was left with.
I moved in with my ex-husband in 2001. At first everything was fine. I was being groomed to be someone he wanted me to be, and I had no idea. I was being torn down and made to feel like shit so he could build me up like he wanted. Im 2003 we were married and I thought things were ok. What I was told to be ok. After we had our daughter, I started to see things. By now the grooming was already formed. I was programmed and still being programmed for his liking.
When 2016 rolled around I was seeing the abuse for the first time. By now, we were living in separate rooms, I was being called a cheater and so many ugly things that were not true. To just later find out he was the one doing those things. He needed someone to blame. Even after our divorce he still needs someone to blame, I am that person.
I have scars on my body, I grow hair where I don’t want, I have extra weight, I have so many flaws like the rest of you. So many times he would look at me and tell me how much he hated my scars. He wish I would do something about it. He would see my hair on my body and be disgusted by it. He saw my weight and was embarrassed to be seen with me.
I remember eating at Cheddars one night. My meal got messed up and I had to send it back. He sat there ate his meal while our daughter ate hers. I had just my salad that was brought before my meal. That was it. They eventually brought back my meal, fixed this time, and I began to eat. Before I could even start eating. He looked at me and said “how can you be hungry?” He had finished his meal and so had our daughter. I ended up packing up most of it to go that night. After we left, I tried to explain to him why I was hungry. He just wouldn’t have it.
We had gone to Culver’s one day. I ordered a large onion ring. If you ever been to a Culver’s they look way bigger than they really are. I got told “do you really need to eat that?” Just those two things alone are toxic and abusive behaviors to say to your wife. Really to anyone. The amount of damage that was done those nights, I’m still trying to heal from.
So, many times it was about him and his needs. Where we went for my birthday or Mother’s Day. It was his choice, not mine. What we are, was never my choice, even if he tried to make it mine. He turned it around to his idea with another location.
Towards the end of my marriage I looked at him and I said “just because my thoughts and my feelings don’t match yours, doesn’t mean I am wrong.” He looked at me dead serious and said “yes, it does mean you are wrong”
So, many times I asked him to defend me and he wouldn’t. So many times I asked him to walk next to me as we walked. He was so embarrassed of me. Too embarrassed to stand up for me or be seen with me. You wonder why I have trouble standing in a room naked for a scene. You wonder why I have trouble believing kind words coming from your lips.
I had someone tell me that I wasn’t allowed to show weakness after my grandma died. I needed to be strong for my family. I had to be the strong one. Ever since that day I rarely cry. That was in 2017. I rarely cried anyway, but that, was the last straw. Another man telling me I needed to be strong and not show weakness through tears or any form like that. I wasn’t allowed to be little even behind closed doors. I wasn’t allowed to fall and collapse.
To this day, even behind closed doors i'm still the strong one. I rarely fall apart. It takes a very special person to see me fall apart behind closed doors. Not many have seen that side of me.
Here I am now, a leader of the community, showing vulnerability to you. Trying to remind myself that it’s ok to be this person. It’s ok to shed a tear even if it’s in a scene. It’s ok to look up and cry in front of a crowd and no one will look down on me for it. The things I listed above are why I don’t. It’s something I am working on. I am trying to show a community that leaders are human too. We all have feelings and emotions and it’s ok.
One day, I will be able to get undressed in a crowd and be proud of my fluffy body. I will cry with no shame. When that day comes, it will be a glorious day.