Swan lake

I sit and wait.

I sit and wait, to figure myself out. What is it that I want? Is it love? Is it BDSM? And if it is, do I want a dom male? Dom woman? A sub, perhaps? What will I enjoy most? Or am I looking for commitment, which brings me back to: love. Love may be a one word, but it’s meaning is huge. It can be a love between a couple, friendship love, love that someone has for a hobby, love that reflects by the smile. Which of these do I desire most? Do I desire to be the best of me by myself for myself, or perhaps I do it for someone else? Do I really like sex, or am I just running away from my problems? By sitting here and thinking, am I running away from doing? Are there going to be any answers? I’ll sit and wait, for as long as it takes, I’ll wait. 

Days in military can be tough. I’m gonna be judged only for not going to a doctor appointment I didn’t even placed. Also, just finished guarding 4 hours with heavy equipment on me. The days also haven’t been so good because of the post trauma I have, and the memory of cutting, which haven’t left me for 3 years now since I’ve stopped. I feel trapped sometimes. Everyone want me to do everything, and when I fall and make mistakes I get fucking judged. By judged I mean, like court, judged. Only not in a court . It’s really weird. 

Sometimes I just go to sleep and dream of a woman that will caress me until I fall asleep. Pet me with her soft hands, and on the next day, will hurt me and kiss me and fuck me, than hug me. I do that in days like now, when I’m going to sleep alone since everyone are already asleep. Time to imagine. 

But instead of being loved, I’m being judged for shit.

how can one replace something as big as love? And sympathy.

They should be the ones being judged.

There are zero replacements for love

I have another account, the same account to be honest, in the Israeli version of the site. I guess I got bored of the same company. So I’m here now, not sure why, not sure what I’ll get from it, it’s all so weird. Writing in English is weird, entering the chat to see no one (the cause is probably the difference of the time). Knowing this time, I can’t meet people, since all are so far away. I guess being far away has it’s own pros. Did I say it’s weird writing in English?  I’ve given up on English, weather it’s writing, reading, or talking, a long time ago. 

A bit about myself: I write poetry, I do circus, I’m a soldier in the idf, and when I’m not, I’m wearing my kitten form ^^