A couple... or maybe a few days ago. I can't recall exactly when for some reason. And that bothers me.
Any road, one of my former...ah... playmates contacted me and for whatever reason wanted to talk about love. For those that happen to be masochistic enough to follow my long-winded attempts to blog, it was not, as it happens, the one I called Little One for a long time. However,...well, yes. Little One was on my mind as I gave her an answer.
Right about here, I should probably caution that what I said might be considered scathing and even hurtful to some of more delicate sensibilities. I will admit that my inner-Daddy had gone away and my inner-Master was in full play. I was not in the mood to sugar coat anything, least of all the already sugary confection that some mistakenly believe love to be.
If you know you are of a more delicate constitution, at least in this moment, I would encourage you to look away. I don't apologize for what I said. Nor do I hold any of it as an untruth. But, stripping away the pretty trappings of a fond fantasy can hurt.
At various points in our communications the subject of love had come up as she wrestled for an understanding of it.
And, she had some very pretty analogies that she used.
The first was of a mosaic. A jigsaw puzzle. And when we find the one, she would have had it, when we hold them up to measure the gap in our lives, the piece lines up and they snap into place easily. Where we often make our mistake is that we don't pay attention to the corner that doesn't quite line up and we press and try to make it fit. Damaging both the person we are looking at as our potential missing piece and the gap within us as we force it. Or attempt to.
It was a very pretty analogy. And right so far as it went. But, I knew even at the time that it was a child's view of love, despite her being a grown woman with nearly grown children of her own.
Because, at the time, I was acting from my inner-Daddy rather than my inner-Master, I was not so cold, and even cruel, in my correction. But, merely asked gentle leading questions over the course of days and even weeks to get her to understand that she wasn't seeing it all.
The next analogy that she came up with was that of a sunset. As she would have had it, she could appreciate the beauty of a sunset. But, to try to possess it, to try to hold it from anyone else sharing in it, would be wrong.
Again, a beautiful analogy and lovely sentiment. Again, correct in it's very narrow way. But, there was still so much that she was not taking into account. And, once again, acting from my inner-Daddy rather than my inner-Master, I gently and skillfully questioned her in order to lead her to understand that there was more.
That was the last we discussed it before events shattered what we had, playing a role amongst other events, adding to their accumulation, to virtually shatter me as well. But, I discussed that ad nauseam in "Good Grief" and see no point or purpose for anyone in revisiting what was shared, and perhaps over-shared, there.
When she returned and we had a reprisal of those earlier conversations, I am afraid I probably shocked her as she had not seen the Master hiding behind the mask of Daddy for the duration of our play.
No. That isn't fair. Daddy was not... IS not... a mask for me. It is... another facet of my personality. An aspect that is called out of me when interacting with a little who resonates with that part of me. Through her actions, and the actions of others, Daddy had withdrawn to pout, much as an abused little might.
All that was left was Master. Or Professor. Or Maestro. Or Mentor. And I had not the time, resources, nor inclination to be gentle with her and persuade her over the course of weeks and months in continuing to seek an answer which I already knew.
The cold hard fact is that when we believe we love another, more often than not what we actually mean is that we love the way they make us feel about ourselves.
How many times have I heard a girl or woman lament that she was unnattractive when I knew damn well that I had made it plain that I thought she was? What she means, of course, is that the people that she wants to find her attractive don't. The fact that I found her attractive was meaningless as my opinion did not matter.
How very many times have I heard some miserable little submissive lament that they are not a priority to anyone when I have gone out of my way to make them mine? What she meant, of course, was the person that was her priority did not make her his. The fact that she was mine held no sway as I was not hers.
How many times have I heard a woman (not to name any names) say that she felt unloveable when I was right there, shoulder to shoulder with her, showing through my actions that I did love and support her in every way? What she meant, of course, was that the Person that she loved did not love her in return.
All of these things I said to her along with other proofs that I offered up.
She attempted to argue.
Only to have me cite words that she had shared with me herself and point out what she had truly meant.
Could I have been kinder about it? Certainly. If Daddy had been home. But, she had given up any right to call on my inner-Daddy when she picked up another Daddy from the DD/lg thread on another website and her little began cuddling up to him, another Master from another thread that she was opening negotiations with, another Top to play with, and a submissive of her own to attempt to train. All without consulting me first, but delivering the news to me fait accompli for each scenario.
Could I have been crueler about it? I believe so. I did not once mention the fact that she is not a submissive but an attention whore who uses D-types to meet her own needs and casts them aside to move on to the next when she determines that the mosaic isn't as pretty as she thought it would be. Who hid her whorishness behind a pretty adage about letting the sunset move on to be appreciated by others.
Hell, I even threw her the bone that if my Dominance no longer struck the resonant frequency of her submission, then she was right to move one. Only, it wasn't a bone. It was truth. Every bit as true as that what she means when says she loves someone is that she loves how they make her feel about herself.
What I did not tell her was that I was letting the sunset move on into yesterday. There was no point as it would have only confused her and taken her back to her mistaken belief that is all love is.
***shrug***
I never said I was giving her the whole of the answer she sought although I never blatantly stated that I was only giving her another aspect to consider. It is not longer my place, my purpose, my function to train her as while I am a Master, I am not her Master. While I am a Daddy, I am not her Daddy. While I am a Professor, Instructor, Maestro, Teacher, Mentor... I am not hers. It is the duty of the Ones she has sought to continue her training, her molding and shaping.
In short, she is no longer my responsibility.
But,...
But, I've been poking around here and there, as is my habit. And I have seen people talking about moving on after being left behind. Or being the one to do the leaving.
And I don't know. I admit that I am tired. I admit that I am still licking wounds. I admit that I am still processing my own lessons. I admit that it will be awhile before I am once again ready to step into the role, into the job, into the duty of being someone's Master/Daddy/Sir/Mentor/Dominant/PickYerLabel again, if ever.
By the same token, I can't just stop being what I am completely either. So, I vomit up onto the screen some of these random thoughts in some attempt to maybe help someone, school someone to a better understanding of themselves and/or the world around them.
I once thought I had all the answers. Then I discovered I didn't even know the right questions as yet. Every day is a journey, not a destination. Each and every day we should dedicate ourselves to learning something new, even if it is a different perspective of something we thought we knew.
For me, when I run out of other things to catch my fragmented and tangential attention, I know that I can always look to love, intimacy, attraction, connection, interaction, and sexual behavior. Because however much I think I know, there is always some other facet, some other aspect to examine more closely. Something new to learn that turns all my earlier understandings once more upon their end and shakes them.
Today is a journey. Not a destination. And what little I have shared of a different aspect of love is not the whole of it. If it is not something new to you, or is not an aspect that you wish to consider too carefully, then all I can say is that I wish you nothing but that the sun be out of your eyes and the wind at your back for a brighter journey of your own today to a new understanding.
