More than a few times, I've been asked if I can be trusted. I don't even know what to say to that. I mean, wouldn't an untrustworthy person say that they are? The only way I know to prove trustworthiness is to give or be given enough rope to hang ourselves.
What a word. Trust. We talk about it all the time. But, what the hell is it? And how do we know when we are breaking it? Or when they have broken ours?
(And since I can think of at least three people that will come after me loaded for bear if I so much as mention Maslow or the security level of the pyramid, I'm not gonna.)
Everybody has their own "thing" there, I think. What causes their fragile trust to feel abused. I don't know. I don't pretend to know everything about anybody other than myself much less much of relevance to every single person I meet. And I think I'm pretty simple and straightforward. Maybe even too simple and straightforward. I've got three big ones that I won't put up with from even just a friend without knocking them back down to "an acquaintance I used to know." Three things that I give automatically and expect in return.
Lies are a thing for me. I don't lie. Some of that is probably my upbringing. "Thou shalt not lie." And then, of course, a father with a heavy hand that would make sure to punish lies more than the actual transgression I was trying to cover. But, it's a little more than that, I think. If I tell a lie to someone, then I have to try to remember what the hell the lie was I told to this person from that point on. And then I have to figure out if this person is talking to that person. And so I have to make sure I tell that person the same lie, in case they compare stories. I don't have the time or inclination to worry with all that happy horseshit. The truth is easier to remember. And then I don't have to worry who tells who what. Not to mention that I know if word gets back to me of something that I didn't say that the person who said it is a liar.
On the flip-side of the coin, I view lies told to me as an insult. Not just to me as a person, but to my intelligence. That I could figure out it was a lie. Eventually. I don't go looking. I tend to take people at face value. But, I remember pretty good. And if something comes back around that gives the lie to something told to me, then I start evaluating. Or if I see them lying to someone else, I start evaluating. And I also start watching. This becomes tiring. If every time someone's mouth moves, I have to weigh each and every word for truth, then it's not going to be very long before I decide they just aren't worth the hassle.
Abandonment is a thing for me. Maybe it started from being tossed aside like a used condom or tampon at birth. Maybe it was my parents (I categorically refuse the term "adoptive parents" since they are my only parents) deciding I wasn't enough and bringing in another that everybody liked better. Maybe it was all the various girlfriends/lovers/fiances/submissives over the years that left (I only broke with one out of all of them). Maybe it was getting sick (Parkinson's) and watching everyone, friends and family, people I had been there for time and again pull away once I wasn't useful to them anymore. But, even as something firmly on the capitalized side of the slash, if someone is not there when I need them because they are too busy with someone else, then why should I break my back to be there for them? Why should I believe they will be if they never are? Why should I continue to make them my priority when I am not ever theirs? How can I count on them?
Don't get me wrong. Shit happens. Life happens. Work comes before play. Kids come before cum. Duty before pleasure. But, if I am an afterthought to everything every time, then that's just not going to cut it. And walking away, saying "I'm done" means we're done. And so is the damage. Even if you come back the next day and try to say, "I didn't mean it" you've shown me that you are not steadfast.
Violence... There is a difference, huge difference, between a playful tussle with bratty prey to get the blood pumping and lashing out with the full intent to harm me, whether it is physically or even just emotionally... No. I am not your masochist whipping toy. At one point, I would have stuck with just physically. But, I have learned, the hard way, that when someone knows your buttons and purposefully strikes them to cause harm... No. Just, no.
However, everybody has a bad day. Everybody deserves a second chance. "Turn the other cheek" and all that. But, how many do you give? I've only got so many cheeks. And if they hit me on both the top ones, they can kiss right between the bottom ones. Each lie is a strike. Each abandonment is a strike. Lashing out with the intent to cause me harm (physically or emotionally) is an automatic two strikes. Once they accumulate three strikes, they are out. They are someone I used to know. They can come back, but my trust has been shattered and they don't get what they had. How can I trust you aren't lying if you have shown you will? How can I trust you to stay if you have shown you won't? How can I trust you not to try to hurt me if you already have?
This holds true for friends. This holds true for lovers. This holds true for submissives. If I can't trust your honesty, that you will stand by me when I need to count on you, or that you will not attempt to do me harm, then what else matters? Is there anything else to integrity that can support the loss of one or more of these three?
The rest... I don't know. Telling tales outside of our confidence, for example, is kind of a grey area. I don't really have any secrets or anything. (Although I've learned the hard way [last August] to keep other people's secrets, even that I talk to them in private at all, much less what about.) I've got stuff I don't talk about to just anybody, sure. (Hard as it may be to believe.) And I might be disappointed if someone told something to someone that I didn't think was any of their business. But, I think that is a lot dependent on just how it is done. If they do it to hurt me, then we fall back on rule three. If they do it and don't tell the truth, then we fall back on rule one. Intent can matter, perhaps. But, the consequence of the action, the harm wrought is still the more important. Not, however, the big three. Intent matters not a whit there. Lying to protect me is still lying. Abandoning me to protect me is still abandoning me.
But, I don't know. I admit I'm really a pretty simple fellow. Perhaps even simplistic. Maybe there are other things that break trust for other people. And I've tried to be open and to honor those limits when I'm made aware of them, even if subconsciously I still slot them into one of my three for simplicity's sake. Even when they tromp all over mine, I just walk away without tromping on theirs on my way out. But, I don't see that as me abandoning them so much as salvaging myself from them abusing my trust.
Thoughts and comments are, as always, welcome. Whether you think I am too harsh or that I missed something that you think is a major breach of trust that couldn't be covered by these three. Even if you think I sound like a little candy-ass somewhere on the lower-cased side of the slash. (You would be wrong, but I would love to hear reasoned, rational arguments.)
But, whatever row you feel you need to hoe, go out of your way to make yours (and your person's/people's) a good day.
