(Originally posted on another site:)
Good evening everyone.
I just wanted to start a thread to open a discussion about the different dominant types. I feel as though too many people have a certain image in their head of what a dominant "should be". I find this can be damaging to some new doms and also new subs because it gives the impression that if things aren't done in a certain way, it means they arent dominant or that if a Dom does act in a stereotypical/movie portrayed way, a naive submissive could easily be misused.
I will not claim to be worldly or know a ton about this subject either, I consider myself fairly new. I know that different types of dominants exist, but not the details of those different doms. So please, if you are a Dom, post below and describe your style the best you can. Or if you're a sub and want to brag on your dom and yalls style, go ahead! I want to learn from this post, and hopefully give a platform for others to learn as well.
Also, within this, do you personally believe there is a defined difference between a Master, Sir, and Daddy? I've heard many opinions and would like to hear more as a collective.
Disclaimer: I know one person doesn't fall into any one certain categories. Everybody has their own style and mixture. I just want to hear about everyone's personal experiences and opinions.
Sincerely,
A curious Sub
BDSM can get kind of confusing for neophytes. And I think the reason why is because it contains three aspects of variable distinction
- Bondage and Discipline
- Dominance and Submission
- Sadism and Masochism
Bondage and Discipline is pretty easy. Is someone being restrained in some way? Who is the one getting tied up, the bunny? Who is the one doing the tying, the rigger?
Sadism and Masochism, likewise, is pretty easy. Is there some form of sensation play going on and specifically involving one of the seven hundred and twenty-three (by my count) sensations that could be considered pain?
Dominance and Submission, though, can be confusing as Hell because it's ninety percent the mentality of the people choosing to engage in it.
***shrug*** I'm probably being overly simplistic, but for me my Rigger tendencies and my Sadist tendencies have some limited overlap with my Dominance tendencies because... well, because they are all within the scope of my personal interests. But, being a Rigger or being a Sadist doesn't really have much to do with me being Dominant other than that they all share some of my attention. What I mean is, if I didn't want to restrain her or hurt her just a little bit in all the best ways that she consented to, I would still be Dominant.
Again it's just my opinion, but I've generally felt that my Dominance was in its simplest form wanting to control what is happening and when. To me. To those I care about. To what is mine.
And I think that is just sort of part of the human condition. Isn't it? Wanting to control what is happening to us, to those we care about, to what we consider ours? Somewhere in there?
The question is, how do we go about it?
Well, again, these are just my observations. My opinion.
Thug. It's all about the force. If you don't get what you want, then beat the crap out of anyone necessary until you do. Well, maybe not always literally. But, there is a certain aspect of "might makes right." Of getting what is desired by being more imposing, of the threat. "Because I'm bigger and I said so."
Capo. There is still an element of swinging their weight around, but it's more about swinging the weight of the organization, the rules. "Do it my way, 'cause I'm the boss."
Smartass(hole). It's more about using intelligence as a club. "I've read more, obviously know more than you about everything, so it would be really stupid to do it any way other than what I'm telling you."
Legend (in their own mind at least). Stronger, smarter, richer, more powerful, more successful, and better looking than you. Just ask them. "Follow or find a footprint between your shoulder blades."
Colt. Young and brash, full of cockiness. Ten feet tall and bulletproof. Success is inevitable. Talking the talk before the walk. "The proof of my success is I haven't failed."
Iceheart. Or Steelheart. "Emotion is for chumps. Humor is for chumps. Talking is for chumps. Keep turning little cog."
Old Fart. Been everywhere, seen it all, done it all, got the scars. "Siddown, whippersnapper. Shaddup, pup. You're still young yet with no scars on your face."
Okay, I admit I was trying to be a little humorous. Each "type" has its pros and cons. (As well as different actual names in the original research I blatantly hijacked.) But, this wasn't really about the seven psychological types of world domination oriented personalities (at least their world). I just think that it's often overlooked on the way to bed.
And in all fairness, as I look back across the sandscape in the hourglass of the days of my life, I've been each of these types. (Albeit not in any certain order.) These days? I'm tired and retired. Or close enough with one interpersonal relationship left in me to try to sustain. (In other words, don't look to me to tame your frenzy.)
Any road... So, in a BDSM D/s oriented relationship, I've typically identified myself (in retrospect) as one of the following different types at various points over the decades.
Primal. It was almost a battle of supremacy. While I was firmly on the Predator side of the slash, the Hunter, I don't really like the term "prey." You don't mate with prey, you eat it. And the gals who I Hunted... well, like I say, I wasn't interested in weak little tidbits hardly worth the chase. If I didn't have scratches and bite marks, wasn't just as marked as she was, then I figured it just wasn't that good.
Top. I had little thought for them beyond sex, fetish, and kink. Oh, don't get me wrong. I wanted them to have a good time as well as me. But, once we put our clothes on, that was pretty well done for me. They went their way and did whatever they did and I went on and did what I did. Until and unless we got together again for a little more. It was all about the flesh, the hormones, the body. Fuckmeat and wankfodder.
Pet Owner. Less person and more valued pet.
Professor. Or, maybe Mentor. It was all about the mind. Even when the body was also involved, which was rare as Professor or Maestro. This was (typically) a contract with a time limit. Once the class was done, so were we.
Daddy. This was my heart. Love. My vulnerability. Although... arguably, this is "my resting bitch face." I have a tendency to slip into that mode with purely platonic friends that I care about. It's how I express love. And I couldn't tell you the number of times I've had pointed out to me by a platonic friend they aren't my sub.
Master. This was the soul for me, the spirit. Twenty-four hours per day, seven days per week of complete and total power (and responsibility). Everything was mine (or was supposed to be). And I was responsible for everything. Especially the blame when things went wrong.
I realize that my definitions don't match up perfectly with what most think.
For example, as "Daddy" I didn't feel comfortable initiating sexual play whereas "Sir" or "Lord and Master" you'd better have had your safeword ready. And this confused more than one little/middle who needed the more forceful aspects that I would reserve for Top or Master.
And I'm not much for punishment. Spanking for funsies? Sure. Discipline? You bet. I'm all for discipline. Especially self-discipline. Punishment? Not so much. Tasks? Okay. But, if disappointing me by failing at the task wasn't enough of a punishment, then I wasn't the Dom you were looking for. Move along.
And this whole concept of "making."
Not knocking, if everyone involved is into it. Just sayin' I'm not. Too much like my old former career in the detention units, too much like work to be fun for me. I request and remind and if that isn't enough to get someone off the couch, knowing and understanding that their compliance would make me happy, then we probably weren't going to be a good fit long term.
The thing is... I didn't decide "this is what I am" and go off looking for something on the lower-cased side of the slash. Often times, in the heat of the moment, I didn't even have the label for just what we were doing. It just sort of sprung organically from who and what I was at the time in my balls and bone, in concert with who and what they meant to me, the resonance between us. What they called out of me.
You see, each of these for me isn't just all about what I took, but also what I gave. And if I just didn't see them as someone I wanted to give my Mastery, to put in that sort of time and effort, to take that sort of responsibility for, then they might get Sir (Top).
And at the end of all things, I wasn't necessarily going to feel like giving this new one the exact same things I gave to someone else just because she slapped the label "submissive" on her own ass and wiggled it around tauntingly at me. As I told one that sent me a message unsolicited, "Dom you?! Lady, I don't even know you! Why the fuck would I want to go to that much effort for you?"
All I know for certain is that people are people and relationships are all about matching up what each is singularly to find some positive result as a unit for a variable length of time that may be too short or too long in retrospective terms. Compromise is all well and good unless it compromises who and what you are in your soul just so you won't be alone. All these decades later, I'm a firm adherent that it's much better to be alone than lonely with the wrong people underfoot. And if the only reason for being with someone is so you won't be alone, then it ain't ever going to be anything worth having. Trying to live a life based on "what the books say I should want, be, and do" (much less a nameless, faceless entity on the infernal nets) is a sure way to never find your own path to self-actualization.
Figuring out what you are, what you need, is laudable. Throwing out the baby with the bathwater when some aspect doesn't fit and ignoring what does or, indefinitely worse, trying to "live up to" some checklist in order to qualify as a specific label, on the other hand...
Any road, whatever label you might feel applies to you, may the sun be out of your eyes and the wind at your back for a brighter tomorrow than yesterday.
