Well, I'm not accustomed to writing blogs, so bare with me. This'll probably be a rambling mess.
I suppose it would be best to start with what brought me to THE CAGE in the first place. I met my wife on FetLife. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship that lasted longer then it probably should have, and was looking to just put that behind myself and move on with a caring submissive. The first girl I met lived in NY, and at the time that kind of travel was out of the question. Still, talking to her, she was almost exactly what I wanted in a submissive. But due to the distance, and some personal drama in her life, I opted to be friends with her and continue my search.
My (at the time future) wife was found a week or two later, and only lived an hour away. She was getting out of a D/s relationship herself, more exploring it then anything committed, and we chatted online for a while before meeting up. It wasn't long before we began dating. She wasn't too strong into the lifestyle, but she did help me slowly break out of my shell, so to speak...
Well, things progressed, band then we had a big argument and ultimately broke up. I don't even remember what it was about, exactly, but I seem to remember it being about her not being as into D/s as I was... which will become a running theme. I had stayed in touch with the girl in NY, and her personal drama had concluded. I wasn't completely opposed to a long-distance relationship, so I gave her a shot.
My future wife came back, begging for a second chance, about a week later. Long story short, after a lot of deliberation and a few attempts to get them on friendly terms with each other - as I do believe in polygamy and was naively hopeful for such a resolution (keep in mind I was around college age at this time, and more then a bit dim at times) - I eventually chose the local girl, despite feeling that NY was a better match. I've always had a problem with choosing immediate gratification over long term returns.
My soon to be wife's birth control failed some time later - and she was the first, and to this date only, girl I've ever had sex with. I decided to marry her, despite having slowly been growing less attracted to her as her interest in D/s had apparently faded while mine had only grown stronger. I made this choice more for the sake of our child, even dropping out of community college to move to a new town and take a blue-collar job at her family's company.
Now here I am, some years later, miserable and unsatisfied with pretty much every aspect of my life. Through it all, I kept in touch with NY girl, off and on (and behind my wife's back, because she seems to view even me even chatting with her as cheating) and she still seems like she'd be nearly everything I want in a partner. Not to mention we're both older and she'd be capable of moving down here, if I where single. But I'd have to divorce my wife, and while I don't have much attraction to her anymore, I don't want to drag our son through that. I don't want to split him between two households. And I don't think I could afford the financial burden of child support, alimony, or lawyer fees. Plus, I don't think she realizes just how far things have fallen. Despite me having expressed my need multiple times, I don't think she understands that it is a NEED
I don't know how things will end, but I just need a place to have some contact with the BDSM lifestyle, and to be able to talk out my personal issues. Whether I get any advice or not, it feels better just expressing these feelings to 'someone' other then NY girl.