I’m not the same person I was five years ago. One of the areas I’ve explored over those years is What Do I Really Want?
There were many things I thought I wanted. Some of those were ideas society gave me, some of were the result of childhood trauma.
I’ve often wondered if I would come out the other side of this no longer interested in bdsm. In a way that’s true: I no longer need bdsm. Love and relationship have become far more important than a dynamic of any kind.
I think I always knew this, but naming it was helpful.
And yet, deep down, I still crave it. I wonder if this craving is healthy—certainly there are types of mental unwellness masked as bdsm. Maybe my desires are a manifestation of the things I still haven’t dealt with.
Mostly though, it feels like the craving is residual. Something like a recovered alcoholic who no longer needs the alcohol, but still craves the taste of beer. Maybe.
But maybe it’s something else entirely. Maybe it’s the desire to Know and Be Known by someone beautiful.
I think what initially appealed to me about bdsm is that—for me—it enables you to find out each others deepest and truest desires.
I see so many couples out there dancing boundaries with each other. One person doesn’t like something, so it never gets explored. I’ve always been that person who wanted to make my partners dreams come true. I don’t want her to feel like being with me is a trap, but a gateway to freedom.
And I want someone to want that for me.
Thats what I’m hoping bdsm might enable. Maybe there are other paths to it. But I think that that is probably why some of us are really here. Nothing to do with identifying as a dom or a sub or any other flavor, but of finding someone who truly wants to draw close to another.
