I didn't kiss a girl until I was 21.
This isn't because I didn't have the option. I was attractive and there were plenty of girls who were interested, even eager. But I was too fucked up in the head.
I grew up in a conservative household and a conservative church. They convinced me that one should wait until marriage before even kissing, let alone sex. (If you've ever heard of "I kissed dating goodbye" you know what I'm talking about.) I bought into it. It sounded romantic, right?
So I was 21 before I distanced myself from that school of thinking enough to kiss a girl, though I had fooled around in other ways before that, and I continued that pattern for a few more years before I quit fooling around and fucked a girl in the vagina.
After that I got pretty slutty, not gonna lie.
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Maybe the details are different, but many of you have had similar experiences. Maybe you've been sold a lie, or maybe you've been withheld from a normal life in a painful way.
It's only been recently that I realized for myself that what I went through was a form of abuse. (I had therapists tell me this many times but it took me a long time to see it for myself.) The kicker is that if I had grown up normally, allowed to kiss a girl in high school, I would probably have been married ten years ago like my parents wanted. Instead I'm in my late 30s, never married, never even engaged, was pretty slutty for a long time and slept with many people I'm not proud to have shared a bed with.
It's pretty clear that the teachings I grew up with backfired.
When I did have relationships they were messed up. None of them lasted more than a year, and every person I did date had mental health issues.
It turned out that I had them too. It took me a long time to figure out how to heal from them.
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My trauma influenced my sexual tastes. Since I first understood sex I had an attraction to BDSM. I tried to shake it off a few times, but then every woman I dated had a serious interest in it.
Recently I've started to question my own tastes.
For a long time I've thought I wanted to take control, but the more I look inside of myself the more I want for someone to give me control. I give a lot in life, and I thought that I wanted someone that I could take from, but what I'm discovering is that I want someone that gives as much as I give back.
And yes, giving would involve learning to please me. Learning to lose control with me. Learning to be trained by me. It might involve ropes and chains and holding her down while I fuck her.
But not in a way that is mentally or physically abusive or goes against her will. Maybe she dislikes something I crave, but rather than take it from her I'd rather she gives it to me, or at least gives it to me to take from her..
Deep down I want her to want to lose herself to me as much as I want to take her.
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My Mom loves John Wayne (black and white cowboy movies), so as a kid I watched many of his films.
In one of them he talks about gentling a horse vs. breaking a horse. For those that don't know, "breaking" a horse involves getting on its back and riding it until it submits. "Gentling" a horse involves spending time with it every day. Bringing it small lumps of sugar, whispering in her ear while stroking her head. Loving her until she loves you back, and when you do finally mount her she is a willing participant.
What I remember most: he said that when you got into trouble, a gentled horse would run faster and with a furiousity that a broken horse never could.
A good cowboy put his horse first. He would rub her down after a long ride, and she always ate before he did.
This paints a picture that I find beautiful. I believe that a sub I've gentled will love me more than one that has been broken. She doesn't need any Dom, she needs *me*, trusts *me*, craves *me*. Wants to submit her will, her body, her pleasure to mine.
And when I need her she's there. When I work a long week, have to travel, or— heaven forbid— end up in the hospital she's there. I won't have to chase her down because I took my eyes off of her for one minute, but know that she's looking out for my money, my home, the life I've spent many hard years building. She's the type of woman that is there with me in the hospital, finding ways to laugh together, not stuck at home too broken to come see me.
Which sounds more submissive to you?