Online now
Online now

Beauty & the Bondage

7 months ago. February 16, 2024 at 9:23 PM

***

There's many things you can do to be more attractive: exercise and fitness, clothing and fashion, straighter and whiter teeth, learn a new skill.

All of these take time and all of them are external. But the most important trait of attractive people is internal, and applies anytime, anywhere.

I've been through more breakups than I care to admit. Some were because one of us made a mistake, others because it was just a bad fit and we just wanted different things.

I didn't always learn from my mistakes and in hindsight I can see how I repeated many of them. My worst offense as a younger guy was being a bad listener when it came to things I needed to change. Oh, I've always been a good listener when it comes to helping someone or letting them vent, but when it came to feedback for me I would often get defensive instead of seeing an opportunity to grow.

To compound this, I would put up with or even pursue relationships that were bad for me. I stayed too long and would downplay red flags in my own mind.

Now, when it comes to dynamics I run toward red flags. When I come across a red or even a yellow flag, I gently bring it to the person I'm exploring a dynamic with. If they respond well and we are able to handle the problem together then I see that as a sign that the dynamic has a lot of potential. Because it's not *if* flags will come up, but simply *when*. Whether you can deal with those flags in a healthy way is what will define how successful your dynamic.

And that's the trick to being more attractive: learn from your mistakes. Learn from what your partner is saying, learn from every breakup.

You do of course need to filter feedback. Often what people are telling you is not the whole truth. Other times they have not pointed out the right issue— in these cases there's probably still an opportunity to grow, it's simply not what they are saying it is.

This happened to me recently. Someone terminated an early dynamic exploration with a confusing explanation. It took time for me to figure out that when I become very bad at texting when I am exhausted, especially for someone who doesn't know me well. I'm thankful for the experience because I learned something incredibly valuable.

I'm also thankful that we hadn't been exploring long. In business practices there's an idea of "failing fast." Meaning, if something is not going to work I'd rather know tomorrow than after I've invested a million dollars. Dynamics are not a business, but failing is an important step to learning. Many on this site seem to be waiting for the perfect dynamic to come along, but most successful relationships take several failures (four according to the latest article I read). Exploring dynamics is a way to learn what works and doesn't work for you, and if you can do this quickly all the better.

Learning from mistakes and feedback isn't easy. For many it's one of the hardest things in life. But when you do it opens up many avenues for you. It's a starting place to improve many things that will help people to find you more attractive in any context.

Valore - If I may be so bold as to summarize from my perspective without intentionally cutting off the importance of each detail...

Be open minded and flexible.

Theres...plenty more there that you've already stated, but I agree that a good amount of attraction can come from simply being that which everyone has proven incapable of being due to rigidity. Being a person incapable of compromising, unwilling to cooperate, inflexible with future goods and bads, and refuses to communicate especially when they think they're not or could never be the one who is wrong... to always be willing to admit you have something to learn even when you don't like it... is huge. You could be 100% right, but people often don't consider there's anything to learn unless there's something wrong.
Many don't like being wrong... understandable.
It's frustrating... but what's even more frustrating is not only being wrong the first time... but being wrong again because u didn't learn the first time... or deciding to give up and not try again because of the fear of being wrong again.
If u learn anything... then it's just a learning experience, not a failure. It's not wrong if it teaches. Might not be the most optimal, but it's not the worst nor a failure...it becomes a stepping stone.

Wow this reply is long.

Ok I'll end it there lol
7 months ago
Bunnie - This is a refreshing read, thank you.
I especially love this part:

“Now, when it comes to dynamics I run toward red flags. When I come across a red or even a yellow flag, I gently bring it to the person I'm exploring a dynamic with. If they respond well and we are able to handle the problem together then I see that as a sign that the dynamic has a lot of potential. Because it's not *if* flags will come up, but simply *when*. Whether you can deal with those flags in a healthy way is what will define how successful your dynamic.”

“Running towards red flags” to discuss them and then how it’s handled does indeed determine where things go from there… I love this. It makes so much sense and seems so obvious now after reading that lol. Definitely something I too will carry forward.
7 months ago
Guyyy​(dom male) - Thank you so much! That's my favorite part as well and one of the most important things to me in any potential partner.
7 months ago
RubyAngel - This is a lesson that applies to me today. Spoke thoughtlessly and lost a friend and mentor. Now overthinking and walking in embarrassment.
7 months ago
Guyyy​(dom male) - I'm sorry to hear that. Mis-speaking happens. It's good to have grace for yourself in times like that
7 months ago

You must be registered and signed in to comment


Register Sign in