When I was first called a masochist, I was shocked. And if I’m brutally honest, a little bit offended. I don’t like pain. In fact, I hate it. It hurts. And I couldn’t help but keep asking myself, “what sane person enjoys hurting?”
Well, this has taken me on a journey… a very long journey… of trying to reconcile how I feel around being hurt. Because you see, I love to be hurt. Emotionally, physically, mentally, all the things. And yet, I do not identify as a masochist as a generality, because the main thoughts on what that word means just doesn’t sit right for me. And it has taken a long time of acceptance, observation and learning about myself and others, to come to understand why.
What I have observed is that there are two styles of S&m. There is the infliction of, and receiving of Pain. And there is the application of, and receiving of Torture (or Torment perhaps?). A recent discussion between a friend and myself led us down a rabbit hole of definition to determine how the two could be clearly defined from each other. We came extremely close, however, my mind is ruthless and pedantic when it comes to understanding. I need clarity and for that I need simplification. It seems the Starbucks drive-thru is becoming a place of meditation and mental clarity for me lol, *before coffee.* Sitting there, it occurred how it differs for me. Unlike the more general form of masochism where the pleasure is the attraction to Pain itself… it’s not in the actual pain that I find pleasure. It’s in the act of Enduring that pain *despite not liking it*, that I find my pleasure. I want to give the person hurting me, my Suffering. That is where I find the connection that I enjoy with them, which in turn is where I find the pleasure for myself. The fine line with the second type is that it requires a “CNC” of sorts. However, what makes it consensual is that it’s a controlled, agreed-to concept and environment… hence the importance of negotiation (either before play, or determined within the dynamic).
This may seem like semantics to some. However, to someone like me, I have come to realise the importance of defining differences when trying to learn about ourselves, and in communicating that to others. So many times I have been given these labels that are such general umbrella labels and wondered why they just didn’t feel quite right in explaining myself to myself. It has always turned out to be because they really don’t fit me. And I have come to accept that even if they fit everyone else but me, it is ok for it to not fit… for the sake of understanding between myself and those around me,*I simply don’t use that label.* I do, however, keep searching until I find my own understanding… one that does make sense. The only frustration in this is constantly having to try to explain and share the minute details to others of those subtle differences and nuances, when my understanding is still so limited itself. But that’s what learning is. And that’s why we’re here. Always it is my goal to make the path of those who come after me, easier. If I can lay a little understanding for even just one person who was as lost as I, then the effort hasn’t been done in vain.
