*this is not my writing. Read it this morning, and just wanted to share. I like how she defines her boundaries between the external and the internal. Without realising until reading this, I’ve come to see that I do much the same. Hope you enjoy :)
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Compromise it has been said, makes a good umbrella but a poor roof. Such an important fact for us all to remember when it comes to when and, when not to make a Compromise.
It is a fair question to ask ourselves when we are in a relationship ….
“When does the art of Compromise become Compromising?”
This question Sarah Jessica Parker prompts us all to ask ourselves, is not always easy to answer. Janis Joplin warns … “Don’t Compromise yourself, you’re allyou’ve got.” But dear old Janis did not have much success in quality long-term relationships either, with herself or anyone else.
We all have limits. Deal breakers and deal makers. But as we grow and evolve what was a deal breaker or maker for us in our 20’s changes dramatically by the time we reach our 40’s. Life changes, we mature and our nearest and dearest also make sometimes unpredictable choices .So it just makes sense that the art of Compromise is something we become emotionally fit at. Knowing when to do it, and when not to.
My suggestion is that always being open to Compromise and meeting someone half way when it comes to ego related matters is wise. What I mean is when it comes to the superficial, external realities of life Compromise can be a healthy skill. However when it comes to the internal realities of life, our passions, our dreams, our authentic selves, who we love and how we love consistent people pleasing based Compromise can be an unhealthy act to indulge in.
If we look to what the word actually means a Compromise is an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions. So when it comes to what restaurant we might choose, what colour tie or shoes we wear or which television show we decide upon these are the types of ego based Compromises we may make, where we meet another half way. A Compromise is often just an efficient way to move forward with the mature understanding that what we are agreeing to is an acceptance of a standard that is a little lower than what is desirable if left to getting our own way.
We sometimes have to consciously choose in life whether it’s going to be:
All our way
All their way
Or a bit of both, an efficient Compromise
What is fairest is the agreement from time to time to give and take, to Compromise and remain flexible with issues that are not deal breakers nor deal makers. However if a loved one consistently pressures us to Compromise our deal breakers and deal makers this is unfair, and unhealthy in the long term. So it is up to us to be clear from the get go with anyone choosing to embark on an intimate, long-term relationship with us what our deal breakers and deal makers actually are.
Do you know what yours are?
Do those close to you know your limits, your breaking point?
Do you know theirs?
For me my top three deal makers and breakers with those in my intimate circle are:
1. No violence
2. No disloyalty
3. Emotional transparency
I ask this of myself towards myself and therefore of those who choose to build and maintain intimacy with me long-term. These are my limits. I get lost, confused and feel unsafe without this agreement in place. There is no half way for me when it comes to these three. It does not make me right nor wrong just me. I am clear with those I love what the consequences for crossing these boundaries would be, and we have a mutual understanding.
Do those who are closest to you agree with the consequences of dishonouring your personal boundaries and emotional limits?
Just a few questions to ponder when it comes to this complex word Compromise to ensure we remain emotionally fit, flexible, respected and safe.
“The difference between genius and stupidity is that the genius has limits,” Albert Einstein reminds us.
