Dancing in darkness and solitude

So I work late shifts/ odd hours and normally go to bed in the early am, only this time I had a nap the evening of and can't sleep now the morning after my shift?? so just had a wonderful session of dancing, yoga and stretches and am kicking myself for not  doing this regularly. But now I'm even more pumped up instead of tired out?? oh well!

Happy rainbow bubbles and love to all my cage family and friends~ 

Fluttering, fluttering... 

Hide and seek across the ages~

the memories fade and glide away.

Here for a heartbeat, gone for the next, in the blink of an eye the mystery reappears.

It hovers in a whisper, it swims along in a shiver as the breath hitches between lungs and a gasp fills the air, replete.

The hunger does not waver, the echo does not fade, its constant reminder shimmering, in an endless delicious way.

It brings to mind a craving, so bittersweet and true. It carves the way for tears, for all that's lost and new. For as the waves will always crash back up against the shore, these memories will keep me coming back and back for more.

To the depths of the endless sea, to the darkest parts of the earth. To the deepest parts of myself, as I search for what was lost. As I try to unlock what's been hidden away, and embrace it for its truth. I seek and seek in the hope to find, as I wander along inside my mind. I wonder and awe with each step I take, and each new part I embrace. 

Sometimes it's so hard to take a step back and realize that nothing is going to stop me but myself. No one is standing in my way but me. I finally have the time, freedom and opportunity for growth and betterment but it feels like I'm in quicksand and don't know how to get out. I need to keep reminding myself that I Am capable. I AM strong, and confident, competent and determined to see it done.

The problem is that's always been the case,

I've just never had the means to see it done.

Now it's like I'm having to build an entire picture with blank pieces and I'm trying to not let it freak me out but at the same time I'm realizing how much I've actually been blocking myself up till this point. And I don't know what picture I actually want which leaves me feeling confused and flustered. Somehow I feel a campfire and marshmallows would go a long way to helping solve this dilemma (sigh).

OH well--onwards and forwards, it's not going to build itself ??. 

Every day, every breath, every time I close my eyes and try to take a step in a new direction.

I try to keep adapting and changing, but the emptiness and hollow darkness just keeps waiting there for me, to drag me back into that solitude and confinement.

I can hear the echo of me drifting back again, bouncing off the walls of my shell of nothingness that keeps the world at bay. I can feel my heart beat but beyond that there is nothing, no words, no happiness or joy-just drifting into the quiet embrace as time trickles slowly by, each grain of sand another piece of me fading back into myself.

The ache, the pain, the yearning that just comes with that all too horrible longing, it's buried deep inside with the loneliness and locked away deep and tight away from the light so it can suffer, it can starve and weep and maybe finally dissappear, like my hopes and dreams and wishes so far lost in the stream of reality and into the realm of never going to happen. I have no place for them right now, no energy or time. Done with searching and trying to connect, done with allowing that little light to escape and drown in the harsh reality of life. It's time for hibernation again while the anger and sorrow take root and keep the fire burning deep inside where nothing and no one else ever goes.

So so many things I've found to be grateful for lately, it never ceases to amaze me that there are so many wonders and splendors to be seen if we only open our eyes and allow ourselves to see. 

Feelings of being lost or confused can lead to emotions and disconnection but realizing that what you thought of as the norm is in fact out of the ordinary and that things have really only just begun, it makes me swell with happiness and pride at how far things have come.

I am a wanderer, but never lost, I have my wanderlust and love of life, love of learning and the bright giddyness it brings me inside helps shine a light even in the darkest times.

And even if there's shadow ahead all one need do is tread slowly and carefully to find a path and continue onwards. Or better yet as I often loved to do, climb a tree up so high and take a look at things from a different point of view!

Its been so long since I've last spoken here, it had felt like I lost my voice, I guess somewhere deep inside everything has its time and place, and the patience and eagerness in me grows.

Little by little, like a cocoon that releases a butterfly, I will learn to use these new found wings and become my self in time.

Thank you for helping me spread my wings my cage family♥️??

Shine bright, be strong and smile with memories old and new!