3 years ago. Saturday, September 10, 2022 at 5:06 AM
And today I give thanks, for teaching me how to love myself. For showing me the things I don't want or need to allow into my space. For revealing the kinds of people that don't deserve my time or energy. And for giving me insight into the kinds of people that I want to stay and grow with over time. I have gratitude for all the lessons and realizations that are surfacing, and an immense feeling of peace and ease with the new understanding that is unfolding and blossoming within me. I will remember to breath, I will embrace myself with all the thoughts, feeling and emotions that come with me and I will accept that everything is how and where it is meant to be at this space in time to help me be the person I am meant to be in the next step of my journey. Today is a day of just breathing, being and allowing happiness and love to flow.
When you finally complete something that you've been putting on hold and majorly procrastinating against it's kinda awesome and scary at the same time. Exciting scary >.<
At least the most difficult part is over now-getting over the initial first step. The rest from here is just going to take time, effort and consistency. All of which I'm more than happy to put in because I know in the long run it will be a worthwhile endeavor. So yay me and here's to a new journey!
There are many ways and things that shape and grow us over time, a huge part of which is our relationships and what we learn with partners as we go.
This is an introspection on my time with the three most primary/serious relationships I've had so far and what I learned from them. Each one has a songs I've come to associate my time/feelings towards those partners with and perhaps says much more than I could myself all things considered.
1)
6 years together, 4 married. Still good friends although we don't communicate as much as I would like, an amazing and wonderful person I wish nothing but the best for.
Although we had an amazing communication, friendship and bond together in the end we had different personal values and split due to an inability to connect these and make them work. I gave so much of me and so did he. But he did not value me or help me maintain the relationship, despite my trying anything and everything I could think of to make it work. We both ended up burning out and when I could no longer carry the relationship it fell apart.
I learned that I give my all in relationships and that I need to find a balance.
2)
9 months together, started out as a crazy head over heels love that turned into what I can only describe as an addiction I had to break. A sad soul/story that I wish nothing but peace and happiness for (at a distance and while I wholeheartedly wish never to see him again).
I've never been so emotionally broken, ghosted, gaslighted or played by someone before in my life and I truly cringe and wonder how I could have beat myself up over him or allow myself to be treated that way. Everything I would warn myself and anyone else to stay away from all packaged up in a Casanova smile and bright hazel eyes. I don't think I ever really recovered from the damage he did, but I am so much better off without him and happier too. Sometimes love just isn't enough and losing yourself doesn't fix anything.
I learned that everything my gut was telling me was true and I ignored it and suffered. All because I wanted to love and be loved so much that it make me desperate and willing to accept horrible treatment thinking it was alright.
3)
Together for just shy of 10 months, I gave and did everything I could to make it work. A wonderful but damaged soul that sadly never gave us the opportunity to grow together, I wish him happiness, love and peace in his new relationship.
It was long distance for a lot of the relationship and the reason for the breakup was given as long distance, but as the song says...I think what hurts me the most is that he initiated it all from his side, all of it. I just wanted a friend, I wasn't looking for a relationship and when he expressed an interest my first words were can you do long distance. He has most of my stuff because I was going to move in with him in September, the timelines changed because I got an extension at work that extended it, and the end results is this.
He told me not even 2 months after the breakup that he's interested in someone else, which for me would not be at all possible if he had genuinely been invested in me as a partner. This for me is essentially emotional cheating because for him to have developed enough interest in someone else at this point he would have had to see that potential when we were together, and that means he chose to let me go and let someone else in. I've never cheated on a partner, and he'd felt deeply enough about me to ask me to move in, so his actions and words certainly don't line up.
I learned that commitment means different things to people, boundaries don't work the same and "just friends" are now something to be weary. For myself personally if I know someone is interested in me and I have a partner I shut that down immediately and keep my distance so no potential confusion or misunderstandings can take place. I guess that's just me. I feel betrayed to say the least, because not only did he state the long distance was the issue but also that he wasn't ready for a relationship (he'd had a huge life trauma the year before and has severe depression and anxiety) at this point in his life. I'd been through so many horrible times with him as he dealt with traumas, problems and many bouts of crying and angst, only to have him walk away like I was nothing, even though all I wanted was to love and care for him, and give him a safe space.
I learned that people can emotionally ghost you and got a refresher in the emotionally unavailable course that I'd had with 1, 2 and 3. Seems to be a common theme throughout all three of my relationships which is something I intend to investigate further too.
All 3 of these people brought some amazing time and a lot of self growth, trauma and some healing into my life as well. I can definitely say that from my side I gave much more support, love, encouragement and understanding to the table than they did sadly. And I was also willing to compromise and sacrifice more for is than them, which I now see and understand is not necessarily a good thing and definitely played a huge role in my accepting behaviors, habits and treatments that were usually not in my own best interest. I love them each in my own way even now, and most likely always will.
But I am so very happy those books are closed and I've moved on to a new story, because I deserve so much better than that and need to align myself with what serves me best. I need to prioritize and grow myself, not use all my time and energy on my partner just to hold a relationship together. They gave me sadness, joy, happiness and many tears. There were a lot of triggers with personal self doubt and worth, and a lot of adapting and learning for me as I went, but that is all part of how we grow I suppose ^.^.
I hope whoever is reading this has a beautiful day and many reasons to smile, please feel free to share some of your lessons and thoughts as well <3
Not my words but just felt like it needs to be shared❤️
Dear self,
I apologise for the times When I refused to listen to you And instead listened to the sea of voices surrounding you As though they knew what was best for you Rather than you
I apologise for the times When I refused to allow you to write your own story Live your own life Follow your own dreams And listen to your own heart
And instead suppressed your voice Silenced your hopes Stunted your growth And sabotaged your success Out of fear, anxiety, insecurity A lack of self-confidence And self-doubt
I apologise for the times When I put others on a pedestal And elevated their opinions of you Above your own
I apologise for the times When others wounded you Criticised you Made fun of you Left you feeling like you were ugly, worthless Or a waste of space And called you strange, different, weird or quirky And a whole bunch of labels Because they were incapable of seeing your worth You didn’t fit into their boxes Or they didn't understand you
And instead of sticking up for you I listened to them Chose to be hurt by them And internalised those messages Allowing them to dictate and define who you were Rather than allowing you to trust that you knew better And to define yourself
I apologise for teaching you To shrink yourself To make others more comfortable
Make yourself small To satisfy those around you
Attempt to appear less beautiful To make others feel better about themselves
Appear be less intelligent To make others feel less intimidated
And to be less loud And take up less space in the world.
For believing that you were your body And your outer shell was more important Than your inner soul And for believing that you had to prove yourself and your worth to others In order to be deserving of a place in the world.
And I want you to know I’m proud of you I’m grateful for you And I’m in awe of how far you’ve come And who you are becoming.
Please forgive me for failing to recognise your worth Please forgive me for believing that you weren’t enough And that you were undeserving of love
And please know that from this moment on I’m putting your needs first I’m listening to your guidance I’m allowing you to take up space and be your own unique person I’m celebrating you fully even when others don’t I’m embracing who you authentically are I’m forgiving you for the times when you’ve failed and stumbled I’m refusing to allow others to bring you down and make you feel less about yourself due to external factors beyond your control And I’m choosing to love and accept you fully Starting from today.
Words by Tahlia Hunter
Excerpt from “A Year Of Love Letters To Myself: 365 Passages Of Healing, Wisdom And Encouragement.”