Dancing in darkness and solitude

I think one of the things that I struggle with the most is when I form what I think is a genuine connection, I feel such an amazing energy and want nothing more than to spend time with a person getting to know them, spend time with them learn about what they love and want and need and fear and respect. I focus on being as welcoming, understanding and accepting as possible...seeing them as they are and hearing them, understanding them.

I live for deep conversations and mutual growth, an exchange of passion and dreams and longing, and all of this without even a single touch a meeting of minds.

It's like being in the dark and then having a ray of light find you, it starts to brighten everything and create such a gentle warmth and you feel seen, heard and appreciated. You share and give and see , embrace and nurture. You have value and you give all your time, energy and attention towards this new light, you try to feed it positivity and encouragement, you whisper understanding and compassion and empathy.

It flourishes and glows and a seed starts to sprout, you stare in awe as the magical connection spreads out and comes to life before your eyes. And then the next moment it's all gone and there's nothing but darkness again. The seed has grown and no longer needs your care-the light has moved on. 

There is a common theme in my experiences and relationships that I just keep drawing blank on. The general theory is give as you wish to receive, accept others as they are unconditionally and embrace them for who they are strengths and weaknesses. Understand that what you put out there comes back to you and give as you wish to receive. Yet in every instance where I have done this I have as a result been used, abused, tossed aside or simply ghosted and disregarded despite being told how wonderful, caring and amazing I am as a person/partner/friend. 

It's like I keep playing by the rules and showering others with love, affection abundance and care-trying to be there for them in the good and bad, through the highs and lows and yet no where in my life (barring 2 exceptions) can the same be said for those around me or who receive these parts of me. Who demand or take or just bulldoze their way in, when I offer some yet invariably give all because my want to make them happy and to help them be their best overrides everything else and I try so hard to be worthy of the same. To be enough and give them what they want or need. 

Now I know and completely understand that when you do/give to others it should be with a good heart and not out of expectation, but at the same time we're supposed to teach others how to treat us and communicate with honesty and integrity. And yet I never seem to get the same level of openness, honesty or emotional maturity that I give out.

It honestly feels like there's an invisible barrier that comes up somewhere between me getting to know them/letting them in even just a little, and their level of interest in what I can do/give/be which normally revolves around their wants and needs. I am a highly intelligent, self sufficient and independent person. So I never go to others with my wants or needs, I'm the fixer and that's where I am at my best. Yet this always seems to end with me alone.

So where does this leave me on a trust level? How do I learn to communicate and actually build genuine fruitful connections in life. Because right now it feels like I'm just getting pushed away after pouring out all the good in me, and I have no way of getting it back myself. 

Then I turn in the other direction instead, focus on self growth, love and turning the time and energy, commitment and devotion I have directed on others to myself instead. Yet I still walk around in shock and wonder at how others can just take so freely and then turn around and be malicious or snide, belittle or just become indifferent when all I ever wanted to do was embrace them and give them love. 

It feels like I'm bleeding pieces of numb emptiness and I don't understand how someone can say something to your face, then directly contradict themselves right after and be the exact opposite, hurt you in the exact same ways that they were hurt and which you helped them heal and move on from. I fear that my ability to see others and love them irrevocably often does more harm than good, and yet even despite this I still stand alone, empty and wandering in the darkness, remembering a time when I once loved a ray of light. 

I've heard and read a few references to calling back ones energy at the end of each day and was wondering if anyone had any insight or advice on this to share?

??‍♀️??

Many things in my life have recently been changing, big things in huge ways-all at once ☺️??‍♀️?.

My first instinct has been that bigger and better things are coming my way and I'm being moved from something that was not meant for me, or towards something/where I need to be.

I've realized that there are a few areas in myself that I can and should be focusing on, from a personal perspective as a result of the demise in my relationship and the surfacing feelings of abandonment, lack of worth and my reactions to my ex's subsequent indifference and silence.

To realizing and understanding that some of the events and current changes are a direct result of some of my actions, of standing up for myself and following the rules, being authentic and not just accepting my "lot", but not having the desired result, instead changing my course completely. 

It has emphasized to me that I need to find better ways to communicate and deal with things, not because I'm doing it wrong or out of turn but because I want to have different results and be able to manage the outcome and myself better. 

One of the ways I'm trying to learn and grow is to understand things differently, and as a result I've come across a few things that I find truly fascinating and interesting. The video link I'm sharing is one such result. I love the way that Esther words things, breaks it down and describes thoughts and understanding, and I've already seen a few videos and discussions on many topics with her that re-affirm that this is an area I can definitely do more work in. So I'm hoping it helps others and might provide some worthwhile insight as well. 

Right now my main goal and focus is to be as grateful, happy and caring towards myself and my life as I possibly can be, and rebuild things/calibrate from there. 

Best wishes and rainbow bubbles to everyone reading this, I hope it's a beautiful day for you and I'm sending mental hugs and love <3 

So many whispers and pieces...

It haunts me that I need to keep cutting back little pieces of you, thoughts of us. Memories and ideas floating through me like wisps on a dark deep night. The echo of your voice as it carries on the waves of who we used to be, a mockery of all your empty words and useless promises. I try so hard to bite back the questions, to stop myself from thinking and wondering why. To let go of the aching need to care for you and share with you all the things I want.

I keep finding myself reaching out to your shadow, and remember that you're gone. That what I wanted and committed to is no longer an us, just a once upon a time thought. Just a whisper in my head as I once again stop myself from going back, back to that place that will never really be and is just a hollow waste of memory.

It feels like I'm digging out a part of myself, ripping out roots I never even realized were buried in so deep. And then I find myself getting angry and cold, furious at your treatment and behavior towards me, your indifference, lack of effort when everything is and was your choice. Your decision-you initiated and took the lead. I went at your pace and matched you step for step, giving and embracing every part of you, loving every bit and piece you allowed me to see despite your reservations. I committed to you and us, unconditionally, and again I was once again just shut out and pushed aside. It seems every time I open up and allow someone in it's just a matter of time before they push me away and disappear, like I'm some sort of magnet that forces us apart. Despite doing my best, giving my all, loving with all that I'm able to give. And yet despite this I still struggle and strive to understand, to forgive and love from a distance-wanting nothing but happiness and joy. I crave the connection and depth but it always seems to elude me and wander away like mist in a early morning. 

Now I just find myself wondering what my lessons are and what I've missed, because whatever it is seems to resurface regardless of how much growth and progress I've made. 

It haunts me that I need to keep cutting back little pieces of you, thoughts of us.

Memories and ideas floating through me like wisps on a dark deep night.

The echo of your voice as it carries on the waves of who we used to be, a mockery of all your empty works and useless promises.

I try so hard to bite back the questions, to stop myself from thinking and wondering why. To let go of the aching need to care for you and share with you all the things I want.

I keep finding myself reaching out to your shadow, and remember that you're gone. That what I wanted and committed to is no longer an us, just a once Upon a time thought.

A whisper in my head as I once again stop myself from going back, back to that place that will never really be and is just a hollow waste of memory.

A long while back I read a blog that had pictures of and detailed explanations on how to spank a submissive and help get them into sub space, as well as advice on aftercare. If anyone knows of the blog I am referring to or has any information pertaining to this I would very much appreciate any help that can be given.

Many thanks as Happy Friday! 

Bullies target for a reason.

There has been a lot of talk about bullies and people being attacked for a great number of things of late.

A very simple fact is that not everyone would like everyone else or everything else, it's human nature to want what we want and push to get it/our way /take control of a situation.

Even if it's just perceived control, even if it's something that has no effect on us or doesn't impact us.

Small secret - bullies have been bullied too. They're pushing YOU around because they see/smell/sense some sort of weakness in you (that often most likely got them punished or abused before as well) and they instinctively lash out and try to correct it. Like a shark senses blood in the water. 

To fix a flaw or mistake that threatens them somehow. It's never about you, it's about what the situation represents to them in their mind.

Power or lack thereof, stability or an ability to defend yourself, to step up and say no. I won't accept this, it's now okay and it will not be allowed.

Placing boundaries is often the quickest way to anger a bully, (many of which have narcissistic behaviors), is to them like a slight or a blow to their ego.

And the fact that you're unaware of their emotional turmoil and suffering in their minds just means that you in turn need to be made to suffer as well.

But the real truth behind it is that you scare them. They see in you a fire, the potential to grow and own it, to become the fighter who will take it all on and use it to come out on top. And it terrfies them.

The more they see spirit in you the harder they'll try to push it down and stamp it out because in a screwed up irrational way if you manage to make it through where they didn't then you're stronger than they were.

Then you're better, and you're coming after them next.

Which if course is ridiculous but thats exactly the point, it's ridiculous. There's no actual purpose to bullying someone else other than to transfer pain and suffering to someone else.

To me bullying is the intentional manipulation, abuse and/or punishment of another person for any reason. Whether it be emotional, physical or psychological abuse its neither here nor there.

The result is the same. And it is never okay. There is a huge difference between criticism/feedback for behavior and actions versus attacking a person about themselves, and this is where most abuse takes effect and does the most damage.

That the victim then internalizes it all as a fault with themselves personally rather than a behavior, habit or action that can be changed and adapted in time.

But never doubt or mistake that one simple little thing - a bully WANTS something from you, that's why they target you. Because they see it and it sets off a switch in them. I repeat it is not about you.

It's often a strange thing to begin a new path. To consciously redirect things in your life which are no longer growing or nurturing you. Or in many case (mine in point) realize that the way things are have never been in your favor and in fact hinder your progress instead of aid it.

I've always been one to say to hell with it and just taken the plunge, more often than not I'm the first to do the dare, finish the deed or prove them wrong when they say it can't be done. It delights me to fix things or find things, make it work, figure it out.

Because I know that 99. 99% of the time it CAN, just means you have to keep trying. And to not try is already a failure in itself, and let's be honest who really likes to fail? 

So now you know you want a change. You know you NEED to move on and cut away the chaff, stop stewing and start the doing.

I've oft been lost in thoughts, time has a way of warping around you in a most peculiar fashion that tends to act in the reverse of what you want, or think you need. And in the blink of an eye change is upon you and you're forced to react. Responding most often instinctively in ways that are usually very surprising for some. While for others its just another little bump in the road to moving on.

So I ask myself what I need to do to proactively encourage my change and growth, and this is the part where I keep stalling. I "know" it. There are so many ways and things, ideads and practices that run just beneath the surface, a current of emotions swirling around trying to pull me in and be chosen as the best choice, the best option for moving forward.

But more often than not it doesn't FEEL like I HAVE a choice. It feels like I'm waiting for permission, that I need to behave and be patient, that "it" is on its way and if I act now I'll ruin what ever it is. I need to sit still and be a good girl and wait. 

But I'm so so tired of waiting, there's a part of me that just wants to start ripping everything apart and completely destroy everything so there's nothing left holding me back, so that I'm FORCED to become and change and be BETTER.

Because I know deep down that I AM better than this, can do better than I've done. Am worth more than I've accepted and allowed before, and that is a hard thing to accept.

That however unintentionally or unknowingly it came about I've ALLOWED this to become my norm, and it continues each day because I don't stop it.

So the real question I suppose is do I jump into the fire and hope I rise a Phoenix, or wait it out and give it time with a new structure that I control and am consciously building on.