Its been a really long time since I've been this conflicted with myself and its still such a struggle for me. All my life, I've always been less. Selfless, worthless, too much, too intense.
I keep having people asking me if I'm genuine or real? How do you even respond to that? I think of myself as nothing, because all my value and worth had always been what I can do for others, how things affect others, how it makes others feel, think, act or respond.
From an early age I was taught not to react, not allowed to show anger, frustration, express doubts or thoughts, don't be scared. Be quiet, don't talk back. Just shut up and do as you're told. You can't hit him back he's younger than you. Take what you get, and if you complain I'll give you something to complain about. Useless, worthless...worm faced little shit. What you want doesn't matter, let it go, worthless two faces lying little slut.
I would go further, do more and break myself over and over again for others but yet cannot seem to even manage the simplest things when it comes to taking care of my self, because for as long as I remember my self did not exist.
Now I keep feeling like a failure, a pathetic little fool for struggling so much with something that is so easy and simple yet for me feels like a mountain on my shoulders.
Every time someone asks for a picture, I feel myself shy away. Every time I have to go out into a group of people, I feel it creep back in. The nothingness, the emptiness, the dark black place I roamed alone for so long.
I feel like I'm fighting my self and I don't know who is going to win. It's so tiring, so very very tiring, just trying to be me.
