So we all know toxic people are no good for you. Cut them out, walk away and do what's best for you no matter how much it hurts or how bad it is, am I right?
Sound advice, done my fair share of this and would in most regards say I've become pretty adept at it, for all intents and purposes a pro in fact. In all instances except one, perhaps the most important one of all.
What happens when the toxic person in your life is YOU and you have no way of letting yourself go?
I consider myself to be an extremely strong person. Intelligent, kind hearted, in many ways a great person (sounds conceited yes I know but honestly this is feedback I've received from many and most of you who know me would I hope in most ways agree).
I don't balk from hard work or a challenge, always do more than anyone else I know, I kick ass in most things and strive to do my best with everything I set my hand to no matter the task. I take great pride in my work and accomplishments, yet I do not feel accomplished or as though I have achieved much in my time.
I seem to have inherently developed some coping mechanisms, habits, way of life, persona...whatever you wish to call it, that keeps me in the same set cycle of...nothingness. Empty, drained, deplete and standing still, even when I move forward and make progress it seems I'm always right back in the same place.
Time and again I have set things in motion to stop the cycle, break the chains and reforge habits, yet every time without fail the results come right back again, to a part of me that I do not recognize, and do not wish to know.
Because deep down I KNOW I am truly capable of so much better, so SO very much more, yet at the same time it's like I'm a shadow unable to open the door. I can't move past it, can't go through it, just drifting through the light and the dark.
Logically I know a large part of all of this stemmed from survival. Self preservation can be a powerful and all consuming thing, but what happens when it takes the SELF away and nothing remains but the preservation. The need to fix and help and solve and serve, for others.
It sounds bizarre but if it's something for me it holds no value, is of no consequence.
Put another in the place of me and I will move mountains to achieve the impossible, and ensure that what needs to be done is accomplished in the best way possible.
I know in a large way this is just the burnt out me that's still recovering, learning to function and cope in a different way, to see things from another perspective and viewpoint.
But the part that really scares me is when I become indifferent, because I know where that's led me before.
Just some jumbled up thoughts that have been going through my mind, hope you all being safe and sharing love and joy in abundance 🌹💖
