So many whispers and pieces...
It haunts me that I need to keep cutting back little pieces of you, thoughts of us. Memories and ideas floating through me like wisps on a dark deep night. The echo of your voice as it carries on the waves of who we used to be, a mockery of all your empty words and useless promises. I try so hard to bite back the questions, to stop myself from thinking and wondering why. To let go of the aching need to care for you and share with you all the things I want.
I keep finding myself reaching out to your shadow, and remember that you're gone. That what I wanted and committed to is no longer an us, just a once upon a time thought. Just a whisper in my head as I once again stop myself from going back, back to that place that will never really be and is just a hollow waste of memory.
It feels like I'm digging out a part of myself, ripping out roots I never even realized were buried in so deep. And then I find myself getting angry and cold, furious at your treatment and behavior towards me, your indifference, lack of effort when everything is and was your choice. Your decision-you initiated and took the lead. I went at your pace and matched you step for step, giving and embracing every part of you, loving every bit and piece you allowed me to see despite your reservations. I committed to you and us, unconditionally, and again I was once again just shut out and pushed aside. It seems every time I open up and allow someone in it's just a matter of time before they push me away and disappear, like I'm some sort of magnet that forces us apart. Despite doing my best, giving my all, loving with all that I'm able to give. And yet despite this I still struggle and strive to understand, to forgive and love from a distance-wanting nothing but happiness and joy. I crave the connection and depth but it always seems to elude me and wander away like mist in a early morning.
Now I just find myself wondering what my lessons are and what I've missed, because whatever it is seems to resurface regardless of how much growth and progress I've made.
