I keep coming back to a strange struggle and have no idea how to move past it.
Time again I’ve had people tell me I’m too masculine, too strong or independent or assertive/aggressive. And in my younger years I’ve tried to change it or adapt to make things easier, now being older and wiser I’ve grown into myself more and can embrace/love the parts of me that others seem unable to accept.
The hard part for me is coming to the realisation that all through my life I’ve been surrounded by men but none are masculine figures in my life or been there to support/guide/protect me etc.
I can count on two fingers men that I would say behaved like the father I wish I had had, looking out for me and nurturing me in small ways. I can count another two men that have in their own way been great support structures and positive influences, but again no constant masculine presence.
There are so many times, ways and places I’ve literally ached inside silently wishing to have someone to lean on, turn to, even just a hand to hold-yet nowhere do they seem to be found.
It’s like at every turn when there’s something that needs to be done I have to step up and do it because the males just don’t. This began from my early childhood years and has been a pretty strong and consistent thing throughout my life.
In hindsight all my relationships have also not been masculine/feminine balance. My submissive side and need to care for/serve has been there in abundance and often mistreated or unappreciated but I feel I’ve been unable to bring out my feminine side and just let go because when it comes to things needing to be done I’m left standing alone and need to turn back to being self sufficient and independent again.
Don’t get me wrong I love being independent and able to take care of myself, not needing to run to someone for everything because I can get by on my own. But I don’t want to be that girl all the time, it’s exhausting.
How do I trust men and find positive masculinity when everywhere I seem to turn there is an absence?
