I need to say in advance that my blogs over the next few weeks will most likely have triggers and potentially bring up some shit that is pretty deep (is most certainly for me). So anyone not in a good headspace or emotionally happy place may want to skip them🐾
The current frame of mind I’m in is a strange one, I feel a lot of things changing inside me. A shift of energies, emotions and consciousness, an awareness spreading that surprises me.
I recently tried to go on Tinder to make friends and try to socialise more, within a few days of being on there I quickly decided it was not for me.
With over 1300 matches and perhaps only 3 actual people I would consider talking to it quickly became very apparent that the bulk were just looking for hookups, and that there was no depth or connection to be found for the most part. Silly me for even trying right ?🤣🤦🏻♀️ in my defence I did try Bumble first, but they only allow you to actually communicate with people on a paid subscription and I just wasn’t keen to shell out that amount of money on something that might end up being a waste of time-which is actually exactly what tinder turned out to be🤦🏻♀️I got a special for a ridiculous price and decided to try a one month subscription, didn’t even last 2 weeks before the sheer unease set in, all these people “liking” me and nothing to show for it but an ill feeling of being used and a nauseating concern for how difficult just finding kindred spirits has become.
I did start speaking to a vanilla guy for a little while who I had thought had a bit of potential, only we meet for coffee and he goes in for a kiss at the end of it which for me felt very rushed , even though we’d discussed beforehand that I am Demisexual (he was unfamiliar with the term) and I’d mentioned in one of our conversations that I’d received unwanted sexual attention and touching as a child so I had some issues with a few things and wanted to take it slow🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️.
Okay it’s just a kiss no biggie. But then we start talking about something, it was minor and really not a big deal (I don’t like guys spending money on me I prefer to take turns or go Dutch). He misread what I said and then it all blew out of proportion, and suddenly he’s telling me that he can understand why I’ve been ghosted so much before (another thing we’d discussed, I don’t hold back with most things I just filter them out as they come when it’s relevant). He was quick to say that it wasn’t right that I had been ghosted, but that I was in a cycle and wasn’t letting the guys in or allowing them to get to know me and that I had all these barriers up that he was having to work through etc.
All this over messaging while I’m at work already having a bit of a crappy day. After I’d already told him at the time before it all blew out of proportion that I would rather discuss and explain in person than try to in text because it could be misunderstood.
And boy was it 🤦🏻♀️here’s little ol me just wanting to say I’m independent and am working on allowing people to spoil me a little here and there (lots of history here for later blogs but let’s just say it’s a limit/phobia I’m trying to overcome and am aware of).
And here he goes into what I now mentally term asshat mode.
From Mr Nice guy getting to know me and willing to be patient straight to judgemental prick who’s suddenly telling me that every shitty thing that’s happened with guys in my past is my fault and I keep repeat the same behaviour blah blah blah.
And the WORST part is he can’t even SEE IT. He’s so busy pointing out that I’ll never find someone good enough for me and I won’t be happy until I “let someone in” that he doesn’t even realize what an emotional bomb he’s just dropped on me and how many triggers he’s set off by such causal disregard.
Here I am having barely known him for a week, having already told him a lot of deeply personal and vulnerable things and allowing him into my space, with my limited free time and energy only to be slammed with that and essentially shamed for my honesty and openness.
I ended the night in tears, deleting tinder and wondering if I was once again the reason for all the stupid fucked up shit and just a complete and utter lost cause.
Now I know beautiful Amethyst would tell me that he didn’t MAKE me feel any of these things and that it’s me needing to grow and move past them, but it doesn’t feel that way and that’s perhaps the tip of the needle here. A chain of events unfolding because of crossed wires and miscommunication. To actually FEEL.
Now in retrospect a lot of things went down that night that took a while to process. I told Mr Asshat I thought it was better we parted ways. He seems very surprised by this and tried to persuade me otherwise and then basically gave me an ultimatum and accused me of playing games.
He then messaged me in the morning and trying to talk me around.
I pointed out to him that a lot of his behaviour was red flags; and that he came across as very judgemental and hurtful which he seemed shocked to hear, and I said that I wasn’t in a space to emotionally deal with this and needed time to thing and process it all.
I also pointed out that nowhere in any of his messages did he apologise at all for upsetting me (I’d told him when he insisted on calling the night before to talk to me some more that I was unable to talk because I was quiet literally crying my eyes out and would be incoherent).
I said I didn’t understand why this was hitting me to hard and that I didn’t normally react that way to feedback (or in this case severe and very limited criticism) which I later realized was thanks in a large part to wonderful hormones, thank you Mother Nature for the joy of pms🫣😅.
But being more emotional didn’t change the fact that this brief encounter broke open a bit of a damn and helped me make some very strange and interesting connections and realisations that I will be discussing in my next few blogs.
And that I am actually very proud of myself for having handled things the way I did , and being able to walk away from the situation knowing that I am NOT the problem nor in some ridiculous stupid cycle pushing people away and being emotionally unavailable.
If I WAS he would never have gotten to the point of knowing so much about me and being able to upset me at all🤦🏻♀️ but that aside I do owe him some gratitude for helping me unearth some things and understand myself better and for that I am grateful🐾🌷.
More to follow and hoping anyone reading this doesn’t relate (I don’t want people to feel the way I do 🥹) and that you are in a happy place having a wonderful day🦋.
