Less of a lovey post and more of a SHIT JUST GOT VERY REAL post:
Well I’ve had a hard road the past couple of weeks. Like probably the worst one I’ve ever traveled, and I’ve not had an easy life. Not looking for sympathy but, more or less, hopingthat it will hit home to someone else. I’ve watched my entire life burn to the ground, everything I’ve built, the reputation I’veworked for 15 years, and the family and relationships that I’vetried so hard to repair. All of this because someone decided that it was wrong for me to love more than one man.
My husband and I hit a roadblock in our marriage a few years ago. We have three children and we decided to stay togetherthrough it. At the very least until the latter one reaches 18. This works in our marriage because even though we have hurt feelings we aren’t angry with each other and we decided to have an open marriage. So, whomever this person is, has spread the rumors through my bible belt small town USA community.
So here I am, the scarlet letter bright and obvious on my chest. My mother has disowned me loudly and brutally, and (with the villagers) has led with the pitch forks and torches. Its been a roller coaster of a ride trying to maintain a peak work performance, explain to my older children that mommy isn’t a whore and Nana is unstable, trying to be happy with and take the stress off of my husband, field all of the phone calls, delete social media, all while I am trying to avoid bawling uncontrollably at least until bedtime. My anxiety and panic syndrome are at the worst its ever been and I am barely holding it all together.
All this though is so confusing, because I haven’t hurt anyone, Daddy knows about Hubby, and Hubby knows about Daddy. They split me lol. All this pain is being brought on because of love. I love. I love both of them but because of that, because I love, Im going to hell. Im good to all those around me, I always try to have a good heart and do good for others, I was born high maintenance but with a servant’s heart lol. A running joke in the family. Well whatever family I have left, I guess. I’ve had people to tell me to just lie (I don’t lie) I thought about it though. But when you tell a lie you always end up following with another and it took me years to be able to break the cycle of lying, even the little white ones. I don’t want to do it again. I shouldn’t have too.
My private life is not of concern to anyone and it was hurting no one. I know it worried Daddy that I would fade into the conformity, but I won’t do that. I’m a fighter, I’ve been a fighter my whole life. I’ve fought for things far less important than this. Daddy has been here through all of it and not once did my loyalty to him waiver. I love. My God loves. My Jesus loves. So, I will in turn continue to just love. Just because I love differently or because I love more does not change any one’s world, except those that choose to let it.
I do know that all of this has in turn shown me that I love my daddy unconditionally, because conditions have FUCKING SUCKED lately. My husband and Daddy both have been amazing and so good and patient with me the past two weeks, and I know its been so hard on them to see me in such pain, I don’t know how they put up with me. That right there just helps me to confirm that I don’t feel like my loyalty should lie anywhere but right where it lies.
