So... I was perusing submissiveguide.com again and felt like I got a lot out of answering the questions in an article titled, Figure Out What to Expect from a Relationship BEFORE Entering a Relationship. Click here if you'd like to read it for yourself. Although I'm already in a relationship and submission is something I want, I'm intentionally taking my time wading back into those deep D/s waters. My Submissive Reflections posts have discussed a lot of the hang-ups, but haven't really hit on the WHY so broadly.
DISCLAIMER: Definitions are personal. MY interpretation of some definitions are below.
1. Think about what "submissive" means to you. How would you define that to someone else? To me, the term "submissive" describes someone who has made an agreement to give their personal power to a Dominant for a period of time. The specific terms and limitations of this agreement will vary in degree based on negotiations between the submissive and the Dominant involved. Personal power can be described as independence, will, or autonomy, but ultimately I think it is best described as the right to make final decisions.
What does is look like from someone in the know looking in? What submission looks like to others will vary based on the individuals involved, context, and their dynamic. Sometimes it looks like stereotypical gender roles in action, sometimes it looks like enabling controlling and potentially toxic behavior, other times it just looks like... normal loving relationship.
Do the same for "Dominant." What does that mean to you and how would you define that to someone else? To me, "Dominant" describes someone who made an agreement to take on a submissive's personal power in addition to their own. The Dominant is responsible for making final decisions, as such they are in control of situations and are often responsible for the well-being of the submissive to some degree.
2. What type of relationship are you seeking? Do you want online only or face to face? Do you know if you want to submit full-time or for specified periods of time like after the kids are in bed or on the weekends? Do you want a monogamous, open or poly relationship? Do you want romance or service only? My ideal relationship would be a long term 24/7 D/s relationship with a partner with whom I am both romantically and sexually involved. We would live together in as part of a poly relationship.
3. What hits your pleasure centers when you think about submission? First, the peace that comes with simplicity. I'm a recovering perfectionist, workaholic, control-freak, and people-pleaser. "Overwhelmed" and "Self-Critical" are constant states of mind for me. It's so chaotic and stressful! My to-do list may not get any shorter, but when I submit to someone, its like it transforms from a list a mile long to one deliciously simple directive: Obey. Through submission, I feel like my energy is channeled in a positive direction bringing me the much needed stillness, order, and silence I crave. Giving my personal power to someone I trust and respect, even temporarily, is a huge relief!
Secondly, I like to feel cared for and precious. I struggle with my self-worth sometimes so its a serious boost to my ego that someone who I desire and respect treasures my mind, body, and spirit. Sometimes this means being coddled like a babygirl, or doted on like a favorite pet, or and tended to like a prized possession. Most times, I want it to mean: pushing me towards growth and excellence. I feel cared for when my Dominant actively seeks my best.
Third, consistency and follow-up allow me to feel like what I do matters. I feel safe, like I can rely on my Dominant when they are consistent with me. Life happens and people forget, but when rules are not upheld, I start to feel like my submission is pointless and arbitrary. I feel like my Dominant cares about me when they pay attention to what I do. I don't want to be micro-managed, but I do like to be checked-in on and really appreciate follow-up.
Are you into kinky play too? Have you filled out your BDSM checklist yet? It's a very good starting point for novices that are into the kinky play aspects of BDSM as well as submission. In short, HELLS YES! I've filled out a lot of checklists over the years, but I'd like to start doing a new one annually as I continue my journey.
4. What are your limits? Don't just think about the play aspects, but your entire life. Are you willing to surrender control over your clothing choices, bathroom privileges, finances, parenting decisions, whether you work and where, etc? Be really specific here because it all will pertain to what you expect from a Dominant.
- My basic hard limits are urine, feces, vomit, enemas, infantilism, anything to do with pregnancy/breeding, rough body play (punching/kicking), video, and impaired play. Basic soft limits are feet, photography, impact play, cnc.
- No overt kinky fuckery or sexy shenanigans in or around my workspace. Period.
- I am NOT willing to surrender control regarding clothing choice, bathroom use, finances, parenting decisions (I don't want kids), work, home, relationships, or my education.
5. How do you learn best? Are you a hands-on learner? Do you prefer researching and writing? What about practice makes perfect or stubborn perfectionism? Figure out how this Dominant is expected to teach you what you want to learn.
I am primarily a visual learner who does best when I can pair what I see with a tactile element. Ideally, this means I'm given verbal instruction and then physically completing the task or at least taking notes with each step. I've stated before that I'm a recovering perfectionist. On one end this can mean high quality work, but this also means I may not produce anything at all if it's not to my standards. Perfect can be the enemy of the good. I'd like to learn how to fail gracefully so that I can strive for excellence. I'm not sure how I'll learn that, but continued research, practice, and writing (such as this blog) to reflect will probably be key.
- Anima
