You are a million times better at emoting than I am. We both know this.
I like to think that I have an award winning poker face. Every single person I've ever met (outside of my professional life) has been adamant that this is not the truth. The reality is that my eyes speak my truth, and the challenge of a long distance relationship is that you don't get to see when my eyes shine, when they soften, smirk, smile, sadden, say "oh shit" because I realize that my big mouth just ran without consulting my brain and that soon a "sorry" will leap from my lips. FaceTime could help with this, but the fact of the matter is that without being in front of you, you miss out on this form of communication.
So I'm left with the written word, where I can think about what I'm going to say, delete the things that sound dumb (except for those foot in mouth times that come far too frequently), and try to convey what my eyes are saying.
I am an intensely private person. Vulnerability is a gift that very few people in my life get, and somehow in less than 3 months you have worked your way up to first position in my short list of people with whom I share. Sometimes this isn't pretty. Sometimes it's me pouring my heart out to you, yet others it's you being on the receiving end of my assholery (I am well aware of my proclivity to douchiness). And yet you keep coming back to me, telling me you love me, that you want me to be your boi, that I'm safe with you. And for the first time in a long time I believe that.
Submission is where I am most fully myself despite my occasional bossiness, sass, and my tendency to be a control freak. It's where I can relax into myself, most importantly relax into you. I don't believe that being submissive to someone is always a passive act. In fact, in acknowledging that I am in service to another person I am at my strongest, my most confident. You know and respect that my heart was broken in June, that I'm still healing, still a work in progress, and that makes my desire to submit to you even more intense. You get me, see me, and yet you still like me, love me, want me. I don't get it, but there's a lot in life I don't get, and I'm working my hardest to accept this.
I've never mixed D/s with romance. In fact I know many people who would advise not to do so, that these feelings can weaken the authority exchange, but as I consider what we have, I have to call bullshit on that for me. I've spent a lot of time (and money on therapy, lol) working on letting myself see the grey areas in things, in acknowledging and accepting the inherent duality of our human condition, and I'm grateful for that because I see ourselves on the cusp of something absolutely beautiful.
I could spend pages upon pages waxing poetic about you and how much I adore you, but it's late and I am *very* motivated to accomplish the tasks you've set for me tomorrow. But that motivation isn't about the orgasm or the threat of punishment. It's from your need for me to obey, from my need to overcome my fear of pleasing you. It's about the simplicity and utter power of the phrase "good boi" when those words flow from your lips and fill up my ears and then my soul. (I'm not gonna lie though.. an orgasm or ten would be the icing on the cake, so friendly readers kindly support the author in her quest for the elusive O).
