Life has a way of throwing curveballs. And for me the month of November seems to be the month of those curveballs. In just the last few weeks of this month I have found out I have been diagnosed with a pretty bad medical issue and lost a co-worker. My biological family has been torn apart by deep rooted issues and a feeling of loneliness has hit me like a wave. And the crazy thing is....with all this mess...I still feel okay.
There is something I have noticed lately. I always sought out BDSM because I sought a relationship that made much more sense. Rules, structure, expectations, and consent ruling a relationship was a winning deal to me. I felt safe, secure, and in control even while being a submissive. It just felt right. But these last few days, actually truly this last week, I have realized just how amazing being owned is.
With all this chaos going on in my world having the collar of being owned makes me feel secure. When the world is spinning it is the anchor which keeps my feet on the ground. I know I am cared for. I know everything will one day be okay. I know things may rock my world, throw me off course, or completely knock me down...but I also know my Master will catch me.
Before I was owned had all of this hit me I would have coped in the worst ways. Drugs, alcohol, and cutting would have become the center of my life. Anything would have been better than feeling the pain. Because my life was about me and about running from any and all emotions: fear, anger, and sadness being the most flee provoking. But now....being owned. My life is no longer my own. My body no longer my own. I can feel emotion. I can cry. And I can choose to not run away, not because I am stronger, but because I know my Master will be strong for me. I know my poly family will be there for me. I know I will not be crushed. But I refuse to cope in those negative ways because I know how that would hurt my poly family and I refuse to do that. I refuse to hurt others. And I refuse to dissapoint my Dom.
So yes...November has had moments of sucking. But it is also the month I got my collar. And going through all these things has shown me the strength I have when in this dynamic. It has shown me how much my collar means to me and it has shown me how blessed I am to call myself owned.
