A long time ago in a very very unhealthy relationship I was told to handle my own sh**. While the relationship was unhealthy, one of the things I took from it was a notebook. One of the ways I "handled my own sh**" was to write down the positive things said about me, the ones I could hold onto and look back at when needed. I am sure I've got that notebook somewhere... though to be honest I don't even remember what that one LOOKS like. Whoops.
I've been Home with Master for a month and a half and we are rounding the corner that W/we both dread every year... I refuse to look at the date, but it is burned into my awareness. Counting the days on the WRONG SIDE of the year. Each year feels different. The first year I cried and asked if I'd be allowed to "come back." He reassured me I was, and before I even left we had my return tickets booked (smart Man). The year after I was a mess for the last two weeks. I knew what the long separation would feel like. I cried when He was not home so He would not have to deal with it (leftover from "deal with your own sh**). That year I sat on His lap and asked if I'd be allowed to come back Home, and W/we took to clarifying that I was leaving only for a while and that that place was "the satellite campus" and this place is "Home." Last year I was a mess for a little less time, but it was just as bad when I was. Last year W/we started planning the future that W/we are building, I did not wonder if I was coming back Home, but still I believe asking and not assuming shows respect and prevents taking things for granted.
Last night W/we were watching a show cuddled on the couch and I just asked "I know it doesn't need to be said, but I need to ask it anyhow... I'm coming Home next year Master " "Yes, you are coming Home next year." "You are still willing to wait for me" "I will wait for you, you have absolutely earned that with all you have done and all that you are." I kissed His arm and went back to watching the show.
Earlier this morning after He had headed off to work I thanked Him for the conversation and told him it mattered.
I'm saving His response here, instead of in a notebook. I want it to be able to look back at it, should ever I need to.
"Well you have done a phenomenal job around My home caring for every piece of grass, working hard to restore and upkeep the property, to provide warmth and meals and light and levity. You are a magnificent woman and I am honored to have your support and care, you make My life, home and experience better for having you in it. I am grateful to have you beside Me and you are welcome home next year. You've done more than enough to earn it My slave girl."
Thank You, Master, for all of the ways You support me. Thank You for all of the opportunities for growth. Thank You for helping to heal those deep wounds inflicted by those before You. Thank You for inflicting no harm, not ever, not even once. Thank You for patience beyond reasonability.
Next blog will be about the "rules" conversation.
His slaveMikayla; Faith