In my last important relationship, if He had been asked "what was the quickest way to annoy him was", he'd have said when I ask "do you understand?"
A couple key points before I continue the story.... #1 I'm a slave but I'm also not stupid by any measure. I'm aware of this, and if you are around me for longer than 10 minutes you will be aware of it too. #2 I do not believe that being a slave means dumbing yourself down (unless there is a reason for a specific scene or moment that that is warranted in which case I can play at that game too). Rather, I believe that both sides of the slash bringing their best to the table to strengthen and grow all aspects of life is just plain wisdom. He has a tool in me, a very effective one, and He knows exactly how to use it to benefit himself, myself, and all W/we are building. #3 my last important relationship was with a very intelligent man and He knew that too.
So the question "do you understand?" rubbed him in allllll the wrong ways. He took it to insinuate that I doubted his intelligence or his grasp on the situation. I should note that I NEVER asked that question with regard to any situation other than the internal workings of my own brain. I was not asking "do you understand the world" or "do you understand the ramifications of your choices" no. I was asking "do you understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, struggling with what I'm struggling with, or acting the way I am." Your Dominant is NOT a mind reader after all. For ME I have to know for darn sure that my person completely grasps the situation in all of its complexity so that I believe and trust that their decision is formed based upon alll available data and then whatever that decision is I can abide by it and "get on board!" Is this trust? absolutely not. Is this faith? nope. Trust and faith have to be learned and earned... and sadly the reality is that he felt he had earned those and it should be a given, and apparently, that had not happened.
WHY had it not happened? I got my answer this week.
Earlier this week I was at a family reunion with MstrJ's family. W/we had hosted one for one side of His family right after covid, and now the other side was having one. Sadly, He was stuck working, but desired me to attend anyway. This was a HUGE sacrifice of time, money, and intimacy. It was also huge growth in His life. Without sharing any more details, it had been probably more than a decade since He had seen some of these people and only three people out of over 40 had ever met me (and two of those just in the days prior to the event). I was an unknown quantity. Going meant spending three days alone with his mom and dad on a 4 hour drive and at a hotel sharing a room. Mom and Dad love me, so it was great, and by the end of the weekend it was stronger than ever. The reunion went splendidly and all. The next day there was a get together with his siblings and all of their kids (10 of us in total) at a waterpark. In the course of planning all of these things and going through the weekend I became acutely aware of an element of who I am and how I communicate that I'd never been aware of.
A LOT of my communication centers around rules. A lot. I can't even tell you why I started o be consciously aware of it, but every time I said something that related to the concept I mentally flagged it. "I read that we aren't allowed outside food and water." "No, we can't take in our bottles apparently they will take them" "If we sneak food in they will remove us." "Well the ride has height and weight requirements. Let me go check and see if he CAN ride." "Am I allowed to?" "We aren't supposed to." "We are supposed to" .........
It was an eye opener, that's for sure.
This became a point for me to mull over, and on the drive home I started running through how this impacted my interactions with people around me. I know his sister was a bit annoyed by it (ironic as she is a social worker.) Then I considered how it impacts my interactions at work, those with my students, those with my bosses, those with Master... I realized that this is actually a really important and big part of how my Autism shows up. It's a major way my black and white thinking and fixation with justice and fairness play out. *eye opener*
So when He and I were settled back into Our space I brought it up and THIS is why I'm sharing it.
He was in the middle of shaving His beard while I was folding laundry and He turns to me and says "Yes, but I have a perfect way around that. I have a pass... I'm Master. Yes, a lot of your communication revolves around rules and expectations, and I know it is very hard for you to do something you know or think you aren't supposed to, but I also supersede that. It's why I exist. You know that I use that all the time, as long as you know I know and I have decided that that is not a rule or expectation that W/we are going to follow, then following My rules and expectations trumps it all.
This part of myself that I had not even been aware was a THING He has been aware of it for a VERY long time and He has already known exactly how to use this part of me as a tool to work in His benefit. He impresses me all the time, but I've got to say that one got a standing ovation.
SEE THIS this right here is why HE has earned that unconditional trust and faith. HE DOES "get me" and HE DOES not need me to ask "do You understand?" (and He would never be so egotistical that it would annoy Him if I did. He would simply either say "Yes" and then explain to me what was in my own head and YES He would be absolutely right. OR He would ask me to say what I'm thinking just to ensure that He did have it right.) Have I mentioned lately how much this man earns my love and respect all the time? Case in point.
Now this year I need to have a sit down with my bosses to discuss this and to explain exactly how giving me 500 rules that I'm supposedly in charge of maintaining but then they refuse to hold people accountable and refuse to back me up really harms me. It harms my relationships with my students. It harms my relationships with my coworkers. It harms my relationships with the teachers I manage. It harms my own internal peace because it is a battle I can't win. I don't know if this conversation will result in any lasting or meaningful change but at least I will have tried to advocate for myself and my own peace. Moving forward I can also talk those rules through with Master and let him use His magic weapon "Master said so" to help me cope better.
Thank You for knowing me. Thank You for not being so egotistical. Thank You for never fearing my intelligence or underestimating it. Thank You for using all of my talents to O/our best interest and goals. Thank You for Your wisdom. Thank You for helping me navigate life in the most effective and positive way. Thank You for encouraging my relationship with Your family. Thank You for building a life with me.
His grateful slaveMikayla; Faith