Life lessons have been the theme that I gave my own life. I have long been of the opinion that you should always be open to learning lessons, that never stops being important. Lessons can be learned in the most unlikely of places, and from the most unlikely of sources. Some lessons we are ready and willing to learn, others we are taught reluctantly, and sometimes kicking and screaming they are pounded into our thick skull.
One of the things I've been taken to task for recently from a few sources is the fact that I have never really "negotiated" my needs in a D/s relationship. Hold the shock and judgment please. It isnt what it sounds like. Negotiations over MANY things happened, but one of those things has just never happened to be my own life and emotional needs.
How could this be?!
Well, just like I've never gone to a bar or club looking to "hook up" with someone. I've never actively and concertedly sought out a partner. I've always just put myself into the universe, been openly and unabashedly me, and allowed the Universe to lead me where I belonged. If someone and I meshed well as friends and chemistry was there, it would just naturally evolve. If it was a D/s based relationship we would end up discussing needs and wants as it pertains to that, and see where it went.
Was I aware that there was a gap in the process?
Yes. I was never concerned by it though. If I was far enough in the communication that I'd even be WILLING to discuss the D/s nitty gritty with someone than I trusted them, that means I trusted them to be good to me as a person and care about my well being as a human, a woman, a mother without having to make demands. I trusted them because they had already done so up until that point.
When a relationship flounders the only way I personally can move forward is to find *the lesson*. I can't wrap my head around a failure of any kind until I can identify the causes, and then determine a path forward to prevent myself from making the same mistake again. "First time shame on them, second time shame on you (me), third time that's just plain stupidity.", was the advice given to me by my grandfather. I rarely make the same mistake repeatedly, once identified. Now I might have incorrectly identified the ROOT of a problem, and solved symptoms or side shoots and never gotten to the root, that can cause repeat failure, but it is never for lack of trying.
I began this post by saying I'd been taken to task from several different directions over this. One of those sources has repeatedly told me how important it is for his property to be aware of and able to express her needs. The concept being, how can he possibly accurately answer the question of whether he can be what she needs if she can not even give him a fair shot at it. It goes hand in hand with the frustration many on the Dominant side of the slash feel with regard to being expected to be mind readers.
One of the things I've had to do the work on before I could even approach writing this blog and beginning this project was to identify WHY it was so hard for me to just come out and lay my needs down. Many people who do not know me well, and felt like they had the brilliance and right to analyze me without knowing me well enough will scoff and say *pfftttt that's an easy one! You lack self confidence.* Good try, wrong answer. Thank you for playing.
No, for me, the reason is vulnerability. I have stood through more than my fair share of the storms of life. I've been through the hurricanes and come out the other side, most of the time very much alone. I've gone without food, shelter, any personal possessions, friends, family, etc. I've known what it is to lose everything, and be absolutely alone. So identifying a NEED is hard for me. One of my defense mechanisms is to identify pretty much everything as a blessing, a bonus. It is a safety for me. If I admit that I WANT much less NEED something, then it has more weight, and when (not if) it is taken away from me it does me far more damage. This may not be the most pleasant outlook, but it is the truth.
It is a vulnerability in another sense as well; it is me being vulnerable to my partner and communicating to them that this *thing* is important to me, and I need it. it is a dangerous prospect. If I have not communicated something as a need, and they do not step up and provide it, then I've given them a built in loophole. I've given them the excuse. It is a lie I give myself, because in reality I do not trust people to be worthy and dependable. It has nothing to do with me not believing I'm WORTH it, it has everything to do with me believing sincerely that people suck. People break promises, hell most people don't even have the foggiest idea what it would look like to KEEP a promise. That is probably true on both sides of the slash, this is not a rant against one side at all. However, because I only have experience being on this side, I can say that I'd be tempted to believe that we have an easier time keeping promises because we have a lot of built in experience pushing through tough things despite: not feeling like it, not wanting to, pain, difficulty etc. It's kinda built into the definition of submission. "Submission is not found in the easy things, in the things i WANT to do. It is not in the kinky sexy fun. Submission begins and lives in the things I'd rather say "no" to, but instead find the grace and strength to say, "as you wish." or "for you, I can."
I've been loathe to view the start of a D/s relation ship process as a job interview, but I'm half tempted to add a Q&A section, with the top question being: "and tell me a time that you stuck with a promise despite it being incredibly difficult for you, and you'd rather have walked away."
What has the result been?
Well, when I finally hit a brick wall in a relationship, when I've let my guard down and come to rely on someone (this may not be part of the D/s you practice, and that is alright. I'm not claiming that this is necessary or wanted in all relationships, but in the kind of relationship I seek and am in, it is) when I allow someone in enough to actually RELY on them, and then my needs are not being met it hurts deeply. I will push them away for a long long time (unless my person actually communicates and ASKS me how I am. I swear to God I will wholeheartedly kiss the feet of the man who has the intuition to ask the question i ask him every single day "Is there anything I can do to make your day better, easier, or happier?" ... certainly not in that way. I had ONE Master in my life who did, and I did not understand at the time exactly what a treasure it was. He would begin every single day by asking me "How are my slave's heart, mind, body, and soul today?" But the minute that they flat out refuse to meet a sincere need that I've kept as long as I possibly can, it damages the trust and the relationship.
Everything I just described is a form of topping from the bottom. I'm guilty. We all are on occasion, it is human nature. It may have been to a degree subconscious, but it was. The roots of that are the underlying messages they imply: "I do not trust you to meet my needs if I share them." "I do not trust you to be dependable." "I believe you need a loophole, because you will inevitably let me down."
None of these things are because I feel like I'm not WORTH my needs being met. Quite the opposite. It takes a hell of a lot for me to view someone as worthy of me, and at the same time, life has taught me that everyone will let me down, no matter how good a man he is. I tend to believe that I will put in far more work into the relationship than my partner will.
I trust me to fight through problems and difficulties. I do not trust others to do the same.
Catch 22:
This backfires. It became a self fulfilling prophecy. See.... he, whoever he was at the time, would be meeting my needs more than enough for me to be more than happy in the relationship until things in his life went to hell. It was never a case of him not wanting to meet my needs, those he was aware he was filling, and those he was unaware of his contribution to, or the importance of. He was just naturally doing it. When his life (not one his, this is a pattern which is why it must be addressed.) was not alright, when things in his life went to hell he would pull back to handle his things and inevitably some of my needs would go unmet. This is where I'd eat it, I'd be patient and quiet. Do my best to be supportive and understanding. It is only when we are both in crisis at the same time that my needs **can not** be ignored because they are truly that, needs. Not wants. Not me being a demanding prissy princess bitch. No. They are true real NEEDS NEEDS. If they are so pressing and important as to me needing to actually call things to the carpet and actually confront, things are dire.... but at the same time the reality is that if things in HIS life have gotten to the point that he has let it get there, his own life is such that he absolutely CAN NOT be there to meet them. I will give the benefit of the doubt now and say: "can not" not "will not".
And there is the crux of the issue. I created the mess. I didnt give him a snowball's chance in hell, because I did it wrong from the beginning. I didn't lay out those needs in black and white so that when his life was getting into crisis he absolutely knew that I needed ABC. He could not make intelligent informed decisions about his own behavior and mine. He could not lead, because I'd buried the leash. Perhaps this is not giving enough credit. I'm not sure. Either way, I certainly had done enough of "filling my bowl" with hurts and perceived slights so that when it came to that moment of "I fucking need you!" and he had to say "I can not" my bowl was full, and he was entirely unaware that it was. It creates an impasse that no one is equipped to handle.
I am well aware I will be taken to task for this as well. I can already mentally SEE your: "oh excuse me, once again, the Queen of thinking she is responsible for all things in the world. Let me bow to your ability to control the fucking wind." ~ wry laugh.
I have a dear friend who has been gently kicking my ass over a concept that we disagree on. I made the comment that in every situation that goes wrong, I carry a measure of responsibility. I should have been able to prevent in some way. His reaction was a bit hurtful at the time ^the above^ but at the same time, we both had a point. I'm really good at taking responsibility for my own actions and mistakes, i'm not good at placing blame, and I rarely take credit. It is a symptom of everything I just said. I trust me to be responsible, I do not trust others.
So what ARE my needs? I'm going to work on identifying those over the coming *however long*. I'm not putting a time limit on it. It will be hard for me to truly differentiate wants from needs, because I works so damn hard to not differentiate them, putting everything into the wants column.
I would like to end this with putting a very important piece of advice here as written by a dear friend, whom I'm immensely grateful to.
"The issue of wants and needs is often discussed in terms of those on the right side of the slash, /s. It is often said that it is the submissive’s or slave’s responsibility to expose to their Dominant/Master/Owner all their perceived wants and needs (not necessarily an easy introspection) and it is the Dominant’s or Master’s responsibility to decide which are in actuality a want even if perceived by the sub/slave as a need and vise versa.
It is also important for an equal or greater introspection on the part of the Dominant/Master/Owner to understand Their wants and needs, also a difficult task. From people I respect it is generally thought to have an order of priority:
submissive’s needs
Dominant’s needs
Dominant’s wants
submissive’s wants
It is important to note, thought not the point of this post, that the submissive’s needs come first. Get used to it." ~Master Arach; http://theeroticist.com/
Thank you for being my friend. I'm honored by the time you spend with me. I'm grateful that you chose to do so. I'm also grateful for your compassionate supportive kicks in the behind.
~The Velveteen Slave
Needs Series Index:
Taken to Task: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33947
#1 Time: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33971
#2 Growth: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34002
#3 Seen, Heard, Understood: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34083
#4 Safety & Consistency: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34741
#5 R.E.S.P.E.C.T: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35049
#6 Love: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35678
#7 Acceptance: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35883
Finale: The tamed to the Tamer: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36310
Follow up: The Gauntlet: EARN ME! https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36373
