*disclaimer: If you have not read the first two blog posts in this series, please move backwards in time and do so. It will not make as much sense if you do not know why I am writing this. Thank you.
#2 Growth
ο δ ανεζεταστος βιος ου βιωτος ανθρωποι ~Socrates
You may not know it, but while this site is my HOME, it is not actually the site I've been on longest, or most actively. The place I most often frequent I host a thread entitled: Lessons Learned that invites submissives and Dominants to share the deep and meaningful or small and silly lessons that their dynamics teach them. Now, truth be told I do the majority of the posting (which is why here is home, and there is not), still, that says a lot about who I am and what is important to me.
The unexamined life is not worth living. If you are standing still, if your growth as an individual, as a submissive, an *insert your descriptor here* is stunted and you are at ease... you are doing it wrong. Countless people; both living and dead, who are FAR more wise than I will ever be have attempted to get this point through to us. Marcus Aurelius said, "At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: “I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm? So you were born to feel “nice”? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands? You don’t love yourself enough. Or you’d love your nature too, and what it demands of you.When they’re really possessed by what they do, they’d rather stop eating and sleeping than give up practicing their arts. Is helping others less valuable to you? Not worth your effort? When you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, remember that your defining characteristic— what defines a human being — is to work with others. Even animals know how to sleep. And it’s the characteristic activity that’s the more natural one — more innate and more satisfying."
More recently and personally, someone incredibly important to me used to say over and over again, "You can only fail at being what you TRULY are."
What does any of that have to do with growth? At my core I'm a student of life. I'm a servant of the universe. I'm a teacher. I'm many many many things, but what I'm not content to be is stagnant. Nothing makes my teeth itch and my skin crawl and makes me feel like I'm running internal circles and pacing the floor like when I'm forced to sit and wait ungrowing, unchanging, untended.
A Dominant of mine once said to me sarcastically that I always sought out my "gurus". He bemoaned that I had better go seek my "lesson". He had a habit of paying me the greatest compliments in ways he believed were criticisms? *smiles*. Telling. He will be gratified to know that one of my greatest teachers and confidantes right now is an amazingly wonderful, brilliant, and protective woman. *sticks out tongue playfully at his memory* See, it CAN be a woman, it just needs to be one I feel I've got a lot to learn from, who is strong enough to teach me.
Strong enough? Yes. More recently I was told that, "It's hard to raise a stubborn daughter." Yes, it is. I'm stubborn because I dont just learn on the surface. I will fight a lesson, fight to understand it, to understand every part of it. To conquer it, and then to own it. I'm not a sponge in my learning... I'm not a sheep. These are not judgments of others' learning styles, but acknowledgement of my own. I do not need a lesson beaten into me! It will not work.
What will work? How do I learn? What do I need to learn?
.... I do not know. It takes a wise, patient, and immensely intelligent Man to Master me. You can not do so if you are not my better. You can not do so if you can not stomach and APPRECIATE my need to truly comprehend. You can not do so if you have not the time, patience, or derive pleasure from watching one under your hand grow. It must be a part of who you are and what you need in your very core being, as much as it is mine.
Here is the catch: Growth is, to my mind, a cyclical breathing exercise. It should be self perpetuating! My growth from things you bring to me should spark conversation, dialogue, action which in turn sparks growth in you. It is not a one way parasitic thing. If I can not and do not challenge you, if you do not see me as capable of teaching YOU and inspiring changes in YOU, then this is not the relationship for you either; for as much as I'm a student of life, im at my soul level a teacher. To be allowed the privileged of knowing that I have impacted your own journey is not a statement of your weakness, but of your strength and an acknowledgement of my own. If this frightens you, or is not something you want... then I am not something you want. I will never be haughty or prideful that I "taught you a lesson". it is HUMBLING and gives me a great sense of gratitude that you allowed me to have that connection with you.
When are times that I have experienced this wonderful growth in my life?
I had a Dominant in my life at one point who was wholly unlike anyone else I've ever met. I do not usually enter into relationships that it is clear they will never be anything more than online. Still, I was drawn to conversing with him from day 1. He was not emotionally open, which is also not something i'm usually drawn to. He was completely closed off. Our original interaction came because he complimented my username and welcomed me to a site. I thanked him and asked him why he was there. He gave me a very terse reply and said there are only two reasons a man is on a site like that: he is either socially inept or lonely and unsatisfied. I said that there was a third he missed. I proceeded to outline the third. His demeanor completely and utterly changed. He messaged me back in great detail telling me he had given me bones and straw. I had drawn on it muscles and flesh, color and life.
He told me over time that he mat indeed give me a ladder to get over his walls, but that remained to be seen. Over time i asked how many rungs it would take to climb that wall. So I crafted a ladder... a very small very intricate ladder with many rungs and sent it to him. When i would do something that massively pleased him, and brought me one step closer to being over that wall, he would tell me i may add a step to the ladder. I put many roses each hand-stitched onto the ladder, every time I'd gain a step.
This Man was one of the greatest teachers on my life. I saw his face only twice (if you ever read this, i hope you have continued to work on your smile) and heard his voice only once. He did however, give me the gift of his TIME only sparingly. He taught me me many many many lessons. The greatest of which, I believe, was about the ages of love. I had no idea that love had distinct ages. It helped me to understand so very much. I will be forever grateful to you; Mr. Richard. Thank you for allowing me to climb that wall. Thank you for sending me on my way when you felt it was the time for me to continue my path.
Another time I learned a painful lesson: I had asked my Master to take care of a situation that was painful to me. I had asked him to be an intermediary between myself and someone else. However, in the middle of it, i replied to the person he was dealing with at my bequest. When he knew he sat me down differently than any other time in the past. He told me alright, his hands were off. He would no longer deal with this matter. I sat silently and cried. He asked me if that was fair? I choked out a reply: "No, Master, please. It is not." "why not? Clearly you believe that you can handle this situation better than I can. your actions say that you do." "No, Master, I do not. I'm sorry. You are right, my actions said that, but it was wrong. I do need your help and wisdom in this matter. I can not handle it alone. It is too big and too scary for me. Please, do not give the responsibility back to me. Please help me carry it." ... and he did. This may not seem in keeping with my saying that I would let POSITIVE memories dictate my needs. How is this a positive memory? The growth and closeness that hard lessons bring deepens the trust in the relationship. After that I never attempted to "take back" a responsibility he had accepted to carry and one I had offered to him. The lesson hurt, the relationship grew. Thank you, Grumps, for teaching me what it truly meant to give in and let you carry the weight.
Finally, I remember one time my Master sat me down and told me "Sit down! You are not to move from that spot until you can tell me exactly what is wrong with that sentence. You are not to move. you are not to distract yourself. Think. You have it in you to make this lesson take as long or as short as you desire. You are capable. You have the answer. Tell me when you know it."
So I sat there, on the floor of the office i do believe I was damn near naked though luckily it was not cold at the time. It took less than an hour for me to come back to him and say, "When I say the words "do you understand" it questions your dominion over me. It questions your knowledge of me. It questions your ability to lead me. When I ask "do you understand" it is a clear sign of doubt. Lastly, when I say "Do you understand" it puts the emphasis in the wrong place. I should be a bit less concerned with whether you understand, and far more concerned with whether I do. If you do not understand something you will find a way to ask it, or know it, before asking me to do something. I have acknowledged you as my Master, by doing so I acknowledged your understanding of me... asking this calls that into question. I am sorry, Master." That answer helped us grow and work together towards the growth he needed from me with farrrrr less difficulty. Thank you for truly knowing me.
I need you to: discover the parts of me that are stagnant. Identify places that i need to grow. Have the wisdom to know when it is the right time to help me do so. Decide how best that growth should happen. Praise me when i have succeeded. Correct me when I have fallen from the path you lay. Push me and hold me accountable if i am not keeping up the pace. Punish me if i have been willful or obstinate. Hold high expectations of me. Have mercy when it is warranted. Be my biggest supporter in my struggles. Take the time to clearly set out the expectations for growth, make sure i understand them before jumping to conclusions about my failures. Be man enough to adjust expectations and admit miscalculations. Give me ways to make you PROUD. Never accept less than what will make you proud to be my owner... because I'm responsible TO the relationship, to you. You are responsible FOR the relationship, for me.
~The Velveteen slave.
Needs Series Index:
Taken to Task: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33947
#1 Time: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33971
#2 Growth: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34002
#3 Seen, Heard, Understood: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34083
#4 Safety & Consistency: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34741
#5 R.E.S.P.E.C.T: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35049
#6 Love: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35678
#7 Acceptance: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35883
Finale: The tamed to the Tamer: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36310
Follow up: The Gauntlet: EARN ME! https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36373
