Needs #4 Safety/Consistency
I read a post two months back and it was the first thing that literally made me cry. It brought my soul to my knees because of how deeply it resonated with me. In the post the Dominant was dealing with the concept of Wants vs needs, which most of us have read a million times over. However the example he used knocked me back ten steps. In it he discussed how it is much more difficult to truly identify wants and needs inside aspects of a relationship and gave the following example: "The situation complicates because in most cases we are not dealing with simple subjects. We are not dealing with things but with aspects of our relationship. Does she want the excitement of being bound to your bed each night or does she need it as a representation of being held within your sphere. In one case, it is a hot kick which is fun and you can do it or not, and in the other it is a symbol of your surrounding her with your protection and you had best NOT forget about it." ~Master Arach theeroticist.com ( full post: https://theeroticist.wordpress.com/2017/01/12/wants-and-needs/)
I sat on my bed and had to put the phone down and cry. He had hit the nail completely on the head. So many times we place a deeper emotional meaning on specific actions and how they make us feel. It definitely can very on both sides of the slash, and sometimes we may not think to communicate how the action really affects us internally... maybe we dont even think to, or it doesnt occur to us at the time. Maybe we aren't even completely aware of it.
One of my greatest... I'd say top 2 NEEDS in a relationship is to feel safe. I dont mean physically safe, that should be a given. i mean safe to be emotionally vulnerable. i need to know that my hurts will be heard and cared about. I need to know my joys will be cared about too. My concerns matter. That my past isnt just swept under the rug and pretended like it has no bearing on my present.
Safety also in relation to expectations. I need to know that I know the limits. My mom always told me as a little girl that children feel safer when the limits are clear and enforced. That they will push those limits to test to be sure that they would hold firm. I can look back at the moments in my relationships when I felt particularly like they were unsure and I can see where I pushed. Not hard. But i did. It was me saying... "have you still got us?" "Are you still holding firmly?" A friend on here posted the most wonderful video on here a week ago which she felt displayed a healthy brat dynamic very well. while i do not consider myself a brat in the least... i can absolutely see elements of this in myself when things are shaky. A book I once read but can no longer recall the name of used to identify these as "Conquer me Feelings"... and it is absolutely apt. It is those moments when I desperately need to feel that hold on me, on my metaphorical or literal leash to say "I've got you." Sometimes i just fucking need it.
original blog post: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?postid=34078&blog_id=68569 <3 you
Consistency is one surefire method to making me feel that safety. Consistency I think underpins it. If consistency is there both in action and expectation then i never have to feel those wheel spinning in the dirt, flailing, falling feelings.
When have I felt that safety and consistency?
I had one Master who would make sure to tuck me in every single night. I used to regularly fall asleep laying on my tile floor with my phone pressed to my ear. When I would wake he would be there ***EVERY TIME** and he would say "Do you think you can sleep for me, my sweet slave?" ... he would remind me to check my locks and gas and ask me to tell him when I'd gotten into bed. He had something very specific he would say. Years later i still have every word memorized. Every word was intentionally chosen. It was the most safe I ever felt, despite my life was in massive turmoil.
I've mentioned Mr. Richard by name in a previous post. He was absolutely military in his consistency with communicating with me. I knew I had from 10pm to 12am. I knew where i was to be waiting, and how. 99.9999% of days he would be there, and if he was not, there was a damn good reason. I also knew that that time belonged to him. I had only two rules: Do not divide your attention. Tell me if you need to handle something else. Promptly at midnight I knew no matter WHAT was going on he did not want a single message from me. I better put my damn phone/computer down and go to sleep! God help me if i messaged after midnight. *lol* It was not because there was someone on his side that he was concerned about disturbing... no. it was because he knew what time i had to wake in the morning and it was incredibly important to him that he did not do me ill. he needed to know that that time was his without feeling guilty that he was keeping me from sleep i needed to be a healthy and productive member of society. It freed him as much as it freed me. The times that he was not there, in every circumstance save 2 he had informed me prior where he would be, what he would be doing, and **WHEN he would communicate with me again**. << i should have thanked him for this more. ... The two occasions were absolutely nothing he could control, and he came home to find me "curled up on his chair" once ... and "sleeping in his spot" the other. 😁 (It made him smile)
I think he was a fantastic example of consistency and how it positively affects my quality of life.
I think micro rituals and protocols are so positive for me because they underscore that consistency and sense of safety. It sets the parameters for me (maybe for U/us both) such that it becomes second nature. That does not mean they should be just a tick-box to say "yep did it done!" No. These things should always be mindfully done, intentional, and with purpose... but that is a topic for a different post.
I believe that that specific passage about how being bound to someone's bed could be a symbol of their care and protection struck me so deeply because at one point... my Master KNEW this. He knew it. He is the one who opened that door for me.... but I did not ask for that consistency. I did not tell him how much it mattered, or how much I ached for it. I was not honest with him or myself. I regret this.
~The Velveteen Slave
As always, ending with a song <3
Needs: Consistency/Safety https://voca.ro/hiGszow1eCr
original artist: Jacki Velasquez sung by yours truly.
Needs Series Index:
Taken to Task: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33947
#1 Time: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=33971
#2 Growth: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34002
#3 Seen, Heard, Understood: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34083
#4 Safety & Consistency: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=34741
#5 R.E.S.P.E.C.T: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35049
#6 Love: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35678
#7 Acceptance: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=35883
Finale: The tamed to the Tamer: https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36310
Follow up: The Gauntlet: EARN ME! https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=60944&postid=36373
