46!!!
I couldn't decide which way to go today so I'm going to give a twofer:
Feeling WANTED.
MstrJ constantly credits me with teaching Him to be self aware. He will tell you that before me this is probably the one area of His life most in need of improvement. I'd say it goes both ways. I was self aware to a degree, (it's a never ending process) but I have been able to identify a ton of areas and "truths" or "learned truths" in my life from my communication and experiences with Him. One of the most significant areas that I've identified in myself is that I deeply deeply crave feeling "wanted" "needed" "desired" "intended" and "planned for". They all are interrelated and speak to the same deep core need of mine. I'm going to, for once, leave the emotional side and simply speak to the physical. This is new territory for me because I identify as sex positive asexual. I'm not going to go into all the details of misconceptions about this *here*, but I will come back and post a link to my previous blogs explaining what that does and doesn't mean. In any case, desire to be desired is new awareness for me. Actually, throughout my life it's something I've actively distanced myself from. I didn't know that it turns out I was scared of it inside myself. I was afraid of wanting to be wanted. No, that doesn't mean I'm magically not asexual. I still am. What I do know though is that my biggest "inroad" to feeling attraction is being attracted to someone emotionally, and there is indeed a sideroad which is being made very aware that someone whom I'm already emotionally attracted to sincerely "wants" me. Insta *turn on* for me.
Sooooo... thank You for wanting me. Thank You for grabby hands. Thank You for all the ways You show up and make me feel special, seen, desired, and owned.
https://pictures.hentai-foundry.com/s/Sparrow/353639/Sparrow-353639-Fucking_Bag.jpg
ahhem..... and now back to more.... typical "me" programing...
He keeps His word. He keeps His promises. *ALWAYS*. He means what He says and He says what He means and He never ever forgets.
One of the very first things W/we had to deal with is the anxiety I was living through after having had multiple people just *poof* from my life. It was something that happened over and over and over. I would wake up each day and have a mild anxiety attack before opening my phone for fear of what I'd find. How the world would have changed while I slept.
I had also just gone through a terrible ending of a dynamic where in the span of 2 weeks I had had tickets paid for to go and see him... we had been looking at houses for Godsake! And then within 2 weeks the relationship was just *over*. Nothing I'd done, nothing I'd screwed up... just life.
So MstrJ made me a promise; the first promise He ever made: "I promise you will see My face and hear My voice every single day. Some days it will be for a long time, as W/we can. Some days it will just be for a minute as life gets busy... but I promise you will see Me every day. I will do whatever I can to make that happen." Every. Single. Day. When He is busy at work... He still finds the time when He gets home. When He is out with family, He still finds the time. It is not at all always easy, but He finds the time to keep His promises. i think this is perhaps the most important thing He has ever done to earn my devotion. I can tell you that if He were to miss a day, I would no longer feel fear or panic, or even feel let down. I would understand... I would not hold it against Him... but the fact that HE holds HIMSELF accountable for it is what makes Him the Man He is. I' lucky. I'm so freaking lucky.
Thank You Master for all of the ways You make me feel lucky every single day.
His slaveMikayla
