In my experience people make the mistake of thinking that vulnerability is "one size fits all", it looks the same from person to person. No one would directly say that of course, but their actions play it out as an inner truth.
I'm neurodivergent, and I can tell you that the realization that vulnerability looks different from person to person has been very important. It's also been really necessary to help me understand how other people misperceive me and my own communication.
When I share a story about my past that is potentially hurtful, or brings up emotions this is NOT vulnerability for me. I carry no weight at all over my past. It's a fact, every bit as much as 2+2. Yes, it might stir up emotions, but I'm very comfortable with that too. It's not vulnerable.
I have learned that people around me can misunderstand my openness to sharing and my willingness to "be vulnerable" (their misperception) as "intimate"... and thus they misunderstand my level with them. <<< whoops!
So here's the thing... none of that is intimate, vulnerable, or any signal of "closeness" or "affection". I'll share all that with the mail lady, if it would help her in any way.
What IS vulnerable for me is walking into spaces which my past has taught me might "shift the status quo" or be "dangerous" ...
Vulnerability for me is coming to MstrJ and telling Him that I'm anxious as fuck. I've been surreptitiously released because I had the audacity to be anxious and tell a "Dom" I needed support. .... TWICE.
Mind, I never asked anyone to solve my problems for me.. or fix it... or anything, simply the act of walking through spaces that caused me to feel anxiety and expressing those needs was too much for two individuals I had held in trust. So THAT is vulnerable for me.
Vulnerable for me is being willing to face the thing that scares the fuck out of me more than anything else on the planet.... legal stuff. I have to handle some paperwork stuff which in my brain equates to legal stuff... and that is absolutely terrifying for me. Logic says, it's just paperwork! It's no problem! It will solve so many issues, I'm so late on it... should have been handled almost 20 years ago.... could open so many doors... and yet that almost paralyzes me with fear, because in my life the past is "logic has nothing to do with it, and legal stuff can go so far sideways so quickly it could ruin my life. My luck I'm going to try to sort things and end up in jail for the next 20 years somehow. Logic be damned.
.... terrifying. and THAT is vulnerable for me.
Vulnerable for me is trusting that if I rock the boat and IF things go sideways, or are anything but smooth sailing that He will still be there.... None of that has anything to do with Him. HE has been trustworthy. HE has never ever let me down. HE has never given me any reason to fear... but being honest that my past has left these particular scars on me and they are real, and even if I wish it were different, for right now it isn't different... THAT is vulnerable for me.
Sharing all of this out in the open, THAT is not vulnerable for me, again... it's 2+2.... but the willingness to tell HIM, THAT, is.
~His slaveMikayla
Thank You for being trustworthy. Thank You for knowing and being able to speak Your needs, wants, and boundaries. Thank You for not "holding the bucket"... most of all, thank You for being safe with me, safe for me.
