It’s possible to enjoy your kinks in a way that not only makes you a gentleman but makes you more desirable to women.
Everyone has their own kinks, fetishes, fantasies, and desires. The degree in which you push these is the main thing that separates the freaks from the vanilla. The first step in all of this is to accept the kinks you have and begin to be honest and mature about them. If you are unable to have an open discussion about your fetishes, it’s almost certain you are not capable of exploring them safely.
I use the terms kink and fetish often in this article, and figure I should take a second to explain the subtle difference in the terms. A fetish is an abnormal desire (and that doesn’t have to be sexual). Fetish is always specific, while kink in general. Your kink encompasses all of your fetishes, but not the other way around. At the same time, a single fetish can be referred to as a kink.
While kink can come in any form or function, the vast majority of all kinks will either be something you do to someone else or something someone else does to you. Almost all of these scenarios involve a form of power play: someone is in control of the scene, making choices, and ensuring results.
This article is about being a Dom. A Dominant, also known as a Top, is always in control. Make no mistake, being a Dom is a lot of work and responsibility.
Why would any woman want to submit?
When examined on their own, a lot of the specific elements of kink are wrong, offensive, degrading, and/or humiliating. It’s common for people to question the motives and reasons behind doing these things, and these challenges should be encouraged. If you can’t explain why what you are doing is right, and rooted in respect, then you have no business doing these things in the first place.
The concept behind a power-exchange relationship is based on respect and the earnest desire to be a positive, healthy, mate. Pain, degradation, and humiliation are all tools used for emotional manipulation. When and how you use these tools depends on the reaction and result you intend from your sub.
A true Dom will degrade a sub because he respects them. A Dom sadist will hurt a sub because he loves them. At no point is it about anger, hate, or disgust.
By taking control, you are taking responsibility for the quality of the sex you are having. It is entirely on you for her to have a good time. If you are good at what you do, taking on this burden frees her up to do nothing more than experience and enjoy. She can entirely shut off her brain, and submit.
The truth of submission is in her submitting to herself, letting her need for control go and becoming entirely free. This amount of trust is not something to take lightly, if it scares you you should consider doing kinky things with your partner, but not going as far as to think of yourself as a Dom.
The power paradox
The fundamental concept around a Dominant & submissive relationship (D/s) is that the dominant is in control. They make the choices, they give the orders, and they deliver the punishments when appropriate.
The paradox is that even in the most extreme D/s relationships, the sub has the ultimate power. It is always up to her what is unacceptable, she always has the final say as to what you can or cannot do with or to her. The only choice a sub has to make in a full power exchange relationship is continuing to choose to give away her control and power. Make no mistake, no matter what the dynamics of your relationship this ultimate control must always be willfully given.
Mistakes are unacceptable
As a Dom, it is your job to be confidently in control of the situation at all times. You need to adopt the ideology that mistakes are unacceptable. This seems a contradiction, as no one ever intends to make a mistake, but somethings should not be done in practice until you are confident you can accomplish them with skill and precision. For example, you do not learn how to land an airplane through trial and error.
The job of a good Dom is to be pushing the limits and boundaries of his sub, without ever going too far and breaking them. You want to push them as hard as you can, with them yearning to come back and see you again when you are finished. If they don’t want to come back, you did not do your job well.
Just about every aspect of D/s and kink is dangerous, either physically or mentally. Just because you see something hot in a video doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to pull it out in the middle of a scene. The best way to ensure you don’t make any mistakes is to have an honest and open line of communication with your sub, long before playtime ever starts.
Honesty is not optional
When I say honestly, I don’t mean you don’t tell any big lies, I mean brutal, stark, brazen honesty.
You need to be honest with yourself: You need to know who you are, what you want, what you need, and what you don’t.
You need to be honest with your sub: You need to accurately relay what you want and need from them, and what you are capable of giving to them in return. It is never okay to tell them what you think they want to hear, you need to tell them only the truth, no matter how difficult it may be.
You need to ensure your sub is honest with you: It’s not enough to hear your sub tell you something, and then go on your merry way. You need to be sure what they are telling you is the truth. Breaking a sub’s limits by doing only what they said they wanted will leave them as hurt and broken as if you did what they said they didn’t.
It’s up to you to ensure you are working with accurate information.
I am not trying to say that a sub will lie to you, sure some may, but more often than not the sub will simply be ignorant of their own limits, needs, and desires. This isn’t an insult, it’s often impossible to know how you will react to a situation until you are in it. It’s not their fault, but it is always up to you to get it correct, regardless of what they might believe or have said.
When something does go wrong, it’s on you to handle it like a man. It’s your job to make sure they are calm, safe, and healthy and to discuss what just happened. You need to accept and own up to any of your own faults, and you need to provide boundless support and compassion. You should not expect to continue having fun that night, or possibly longer, depending on what she needs. This is your penance for the mistake, and you are never allowed to forget what is most important in all of this:
Everything is about her
Have no illusions: a Dom man should always be a gentleman first. While it is you making all choices and holding all control, you need to understand that everything you do is for and about her. Every choice you make needs to be the best choice for her, often this requires you to be selfless if you can’t handle that this dynamic is not for you.
For a sub to give away all control and power, they need to trust you and your choices implicitly. To gain this level of trust you need to prove, with every choice you make, that she will be rewarded for putting her trust in you. Everything you do should be done for a reason, and that reason should always be positive for your pet.
Have pride and show no regrets
At the onset of this article, I claimed that your kinks can make you more attractive to women. The key in this is you first have to be a good man, and good at what you do. If you are a Dom you need to be confident you are a good Dom, you need to be proud of who you are and what you can do.
If this is true, you are capable of showing pride and confidence in your ability as a Dom, and through that gain inherit respect as a man and a lover. You should never hide from your perversions, you should always be proud. This doesn’t mean you should advertise it, but when the topic comes up, or the moment is correct to bring it up, you have the ability to ooze confidence along with intrigue and appeal.
Most men are too afraid to talk about sex, at all. By you saying, earnestly, “I am sexually dominant” you have created a line of conversation too appealing to ignore. By having the ability to answer any of her questions (when in doubt, be honest) you will become irresistible to a woman who shares your kinks.
If a woman can describe you as intriguing, exciting, and confident, you are doing very well. Obviously your kink will deter some women, but this shouldn’t bother you. Any woman who is turned off by your honest self is clearly not a fit for you. Be polite, do not attack or offend, and move on.
Final Random Toy Tips
If you start to take your kink seriously, you are going to end up with an assortment of toys, tools, and props. Treat this with respect, and follow these tips:
Know how to use your toys properly, their limits, and all applicable safety measures.
Clean all toys before and after every use.
Keep toys organized and stored properly, like a mechanic’s tools. They are not all thrown into a pile somewhere.
Keep all locks locked (including handcuffs) at all times. This way you will always be sure you have the keys before using the item.
Don’t hide your toys away. If you are proud of what you do, you will have no reason to hide your tools. At the same time, you don’t see a mechanic storing his wrenches on the mantle. Have pride, but don’t flaunt.
A final note: if you are doing anything kinky or even remotely dangerous, be sure to have a safe word. The majority of the kink community uses Yellow (for slow down, ease off) and Red (for stop right now, this is bad).
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3 weeks ago. Friday, December 26, 2025 at 8:52 PM
Kink is SO much more than the whips and chains we’ve been spoon-fed by mainstream media. Sure, that might be part of the fun, but kink is really about freedom. Exploration. Liberation. It’s about stepping outside of the “vanilla” box and daring to ask yourself: What actually turns me on?
Kink is not the same as a fetish. A fetish usually centers on a specific object or body part that someone must have to get off. Kink, on the other hand, is a broader playground. It’s a sexual preference or practice that simply veers away from the "norm." That could mean bondage, role-play, impact play, dominance, submission, or just using words in bed that make your toes curl.
Kink has been whitewashed to hell and back. Most of what we see in the media is a sanitized, leather-clad version of kink that centers white folks, especially men. Rarely do we see ourselves—Black women/men—at the center of kink stories, desires, or communities. But quiet as it’s kept, there’s a whole thriving underground of Black women living loud in their kink. I talked to six of them, and let me tell you: they’re not just participating, they’re leading, innovating, and healing through kink.
Unlearning Shame, Reclaiming Power
"I didn't realize I liked kink until after my divorce," says Goddess Blue Moon, a 36-year-old dominatrix based in Tennessee. "I grew up super religious, so I always thought masturbation was wrong, let alone kinky sex. But once I started shedding the shame, I realized a lot of the things I was already doing were kink—I just didn’t have the language."
For Blue Moon, kink is more than pleasure—it’s liberation. She created Holy House, a soft, pink, glitter-filled space that uses kink as a tool for sexual empowerment and HIV prevention. “There’s this idea that kink is always harsh or scary, but my page is pink and fluffy. I want people to see that there’s softness in domination, too.”
The Brat Who Found Her Power
Tatyannah, 29, found kink through a college field trip to the Exxxotica Expo. "I volunteered to be suspended in a rope bondage scene, and it changed my life. I’m usually in control in my day-to-day, so letting go like that was freeing."
She identifies as a bratty submissive: "I love to talk shit while being tied up—like, 'Is that the best you can do?' It’s playful but powerful."
Still, she says navigating kink spaces as a Black woman isn’t easy. "A lot of times, I’m the only one who looks like me in the room. I’ve learned to vet events through Instagram—to make sure it’s not just one token Black person in the promo pics."
From Spankings to Self-Discovery
Aycee, who keeps her age close to the chest (and I respect it!), got into kink after meeting a dom on Tinder. "He was the first person to ever spank me—and I liked it. That opened the door." She describes herself as a submissive with a brat streak. "I love praise. Worship. And I’ve definitely topped people too, so maybe I’m a switch."
She says Black women need to let go of the idea that pleasure is deviant. "Pleasure is in everything we do—when we eat, put on lotion, walk out the door. Kink helped me realize that I don't need a relationship to validate my sexuality. Sometimes, I just want good sex, and that’s okay."
Visibility as Resistance
For Sapphire, a 36-year-old podcast host and self-described "selective hoe," kink is deeply spiritual. "I’ve had healing sex—like, truly transformational experiences. And I only want to sleep with people who understand aftercare now. That’s non-negotiable."
As a Black woman in an interracial polyamorous relationship, she’s faced her share of judgment. "People called me a race traitor and said I let colonizers disrespect me. But kink is about trust. My dom just happens to be white—it’s not about race play or slavery. It’s about someone I love, honoring my body."
She now uses her platform to normalize Black kink and broaden the narrative. "We’re not all video vixens or trauma survivors. We’re out here building safe, sacred sexual spaces."
The Submissive Who Found Herself
Valika, 40, came to kink by accident—through an audiobook series laced with BDSM themes. "I always thought kink was painful or weird, but that story made it sensual. And when I went to a local panel and heard other Black folks talking about it, I thought, ‘Okay, maybe I belong here.’"
She identifies as a submissive and exhibitionist. "I’m still figuring it all out, but it’s been liberating to say: I want more."
Building a Life in Leather and Love
Candy Liquor, 46, known in the scene for her long-term experience and insight, wants Black women to know they don’t have to ask permission to enjoy kink. “I’ve been doing this for over a decade, and I’m still learning,” she says. “This isn’t something you master overnight. It’s something you grow with.”
For her, kink is deeply tied to healing and spiritual alignment. “I pray before my scenes. I meditate. This isn’t just play—it’s sacred.” She adds, “You get to define your pleasure on your terms. That’s the power in it.”
What Black Women in Kink Want You to Know
Across every interview, one thing was clear: kink isn't about being broken—it's about being bold. "People assume you must have trauma to like this. That’s not true," says Blue Moon. "I’m here because it brings me joy—not because I’m trying to escape something." For Aycee, it’s about reclaiming desire. "We need to normalize Black women wanting sex, pleasure, intimacy—for themselves. Not for a man. Not for approval. For you."
Tatyannah echoed the need for visibility: "Don’t let the lack of representation make you feel like kink isn’t for us. We’ve always been here. We just haven’t been centered." And when it comes to getting started, the message was unanimous—start slow, but start. Whether you follow sex educators online, attend a munch, or crack open a book on kink, there’s no single right way to begin.
These women are rewriting the rules. They’re not waiting for permission, and they’re not hiding behind shame or societal respectability. They are claiming kink as a space for joy, healing, and reclamation. Over and over, they reminded me that kink isn’t just about sex—it’s about agency. It’s about saying, “My body, my rules.”
Whether through domination or submission, spanking or silence, each woman found her way back to herself. And listen—this doesn’t mean you have to jump into latex on a Tuesday (unless that’s your thing). It means embracing curiosity, consent, and communication. It means letting liberation lead.
So, if you’re a Black woman reading this thinking, maybe I am a little curious...—then baby, welcome. There’s a whole community waiting to embrace you—with ropes, with affirmations, with open arms. Because yes, kink can look like whips. But it can also look like healing.
And that, my love, is the real turn-on. As a Black, Dom, I ask once again, sisters, where are you?