Discovering my true self

So I feel like there are lots of different arc types of Doms and subs in the BDSM community. I also feel like figuring out where you fit and which “type” of Dom would fit you and your needs and your personality best. I have a few questions about this tho as a new sub who isn’t even quite sure who she is but knows who she isn’t.

1. Is it possible that I’m more than 1 type of sub? I don’t feel like a little but I do like to have cuddles, color, and watch kid movies so is it possible that I don’t even know that I’m a little? 

2. I’m still not 100% sure on the differences between a Daddy Dom and normal Dom and a Protector Dom. Plus, there are all those other more specific types like Primal, Hedonistic, Sadomasochistic. With all these options how will I know what is the right fit for me? Especially if I like bits and pieces of all the different “types” of Doms.

3. How do I know which type of Dom would fit me if I am different types of subs? I feel like it would make it that much harder to find the right person. 

I know that they say age is just a number and yes it’s true age is just a number but I also feel that in some cases it factors in. Take myself for example, I’m 24 (soon to be 25) when I started this journey a couple months ago I was like I have no age limits I’m good what whomever. Well, this isn’t true now as I’ve found out. I have a preference for men who are older than me by at least a year and who are at max 10-12 years older than me. I realized this when I was having a conversation with a very nice Dom. We were talking and having a great time getting to know one another then all of a sudden he mentions something about grandchildren or something and I’m oh that’s awesome by the way how old are you? (as I had told him in one of the initial conversations and he didn’t tell me and I was purely curious) he told me he was 62. Now during our conversation we flirted pretty hard back and forth which is fine but as soon as he told me his age I started have a panic attack. I didn’t realize at the time that having a sexual conversation with an older man would cause my PTSD to flare up. I explained the situation to the guy and he was very sweet and apologetic about it and I felt so bad but I couldn’t do it anymore so we stopped talking. But, it kills me that people still get mad and tell me that age is just a number when I tell them that yes we can talk but it will only me vanilla conversation and that’s all I can offer. It kills me when they contact me first (clearly without reading my profile) asking for dirty pictures or with flirty messages and I respond back saying thanks but no thanks as I have issues. And it is completely uncalled for for them to tell me that I’m a tease or rude because I told them sorry I can’t talk with you in a flirty manner. Yes, some men are nice about it and apologetic but I clearly state on my profile I cannot have flirty conversations with men over 40 as I have PTSD. (This has been my rant of the day. Thanks for “listening”) 

So, I have had a few drastic changes happen in my life over the course of these past 4 days that have caused me to make some huge life changes for myself and my family. On top of these I’ve also contracted this horrible sick that has been spreading around like wildfire. So as I’m sitting in my house packing up my life and trying to get through this quarantine unscathed I’ve had time to think about what I would like to have in my life and what I would like to find and discover on this journey and about myself. I guess that but all these bad stressful things that has happened these past few days there is always a positive/bright side. Stay safe out there people! 

To say that this week has chewed me up and spit me out is the understatement of the century. It seems like life really likes to kick me when I’m down. I’m stressed to the max and all I want to do is drink a bottle of wine eat all the ice cream I can find cry and sleep for 18 years. Now for those who know me (none of you do haha) or who have read my profile you know that I don’t handle stress well. I have super bad anxiety and when I get stressed I get yell-y and argumentative. The worst part is that I know that if I took matters into my own hands (if you know what I mean 😉) it wouldn’t help without that little extra oomph of pain. It’s been one of those weeks where if I had a Sir he would know that I need extra rough spankings to help eliminate all this pent up anxious energy and stress to where I can think and act like a normal person. 

Sorry about the 2 posts in 1 day thing but I felt the intense need to share this.

Now, I don’t know about anyone else but as soon as I get a message I immediately go to the persons profile and read it. This gives me a sense of who the person is and how our interactions will be. This also gives me an idea on if I could talk with this person as a friend or as a perspective partner/Dom as I have very specific things I am looking for two mains ones being age and distance. In doing this I have found that not very many people actually take the time to write out their profile. How are you supposed to get people to talk with you if you don’t post anything about yourself? I have become increasingly more frustrated with people (and it shows in my initial responses) who’s profile picture is that of their dick and have nothing written. How am I supposed to believe you’ll respect me and my privacy when you can’t even respect yourself by having your dick as your profile picture? (And honestly no one wants to see it or anything because let’s be real for a minute dicks are SO UGLY!!) I know not everyone is like me and doesn’t feel that they need as much basic information as they can get before making a decision but it would be nice if they filled out at least a little about themselves. 

So, everyone knows that during play there are safe words. And everyone knows the universal safe words:

Green-Good/Okay

Yellow-Getting close to limits

Red-Stop now

My question today is do you pick your safe word before you even meet a play partner or does your Dom/me pick it for you? 

Going into this as a new sub I’ve been told to take my time to get to know people before meeting and that it takes a while for things to progress, but in reading about BDSM it seems the time frame if actually kinda quick. If there’s a connection wouldn’t people know? So here are some of the questions I have asked myself over the course of this beginning and if there are answers please tell me.

- How do you even approach a perspective Dom/partner?

-What questions do you even ask a person? Basic get to know them questions? Or do you just dive right in?

-How long do you wait until you settle on a face to face after establishing a good conversation?

-Should the perspective Dom and/or sub message the other person everyday throughout the day just to keep in touch or is it normal to have great conversation then just drop off the face of the earth? 
-After the face to face how long do you wait to enter into a Dom/sub relationship? 

These are basic questions that have been vaguely answered in what I’ve read and researched and I get that it’s on a person to person bases but it’s still super frustrating coming into a brand new situation with 0 idea on what to expect. 

I am just beginning my journey in this lifestyle. I have done the research, done the readings, joined the groups and sites and started trying to talk with people. At first I was excited (as all people who start something new) then I got my first message from someone. That’s exciting right. I open the message and what greats me is a picture. Not of his face or even his body but of his dick. I am a little disappointed at this but not deterred. A couple more messages come in with the same thing’s happening, no words just dick pics. I’m starting to get a little deflated. A couple days go by and the same thing keeps happening, (I made it clear on my profiles that I am not looking for ONS or FWB I need a connection before I get into a bed) so I’m about to just give up. I get a message (with words this time!). We talk, we agree to meet up. We go though with the meet. The entire time all he does is try to get into my pants. The first questions anyone asks me is my sexual preferences or to send them nudes. It seriously feels like this is an impossible journey to start and that this is all I’m going to be getting because I’m a female. I’m determined to hang in there and see this through tho. Hopefully there is a “unicorn” out there.