It is my (perhaps amateur) view that the hardest endeavor we can undertake in this flicker of time we are granted on this Earth is the one of self. The sordid journey undertaken to step back out of our lives and take "the strangers" views of something we may not really want to see... ourself. To be able to honestly and passionately take a personal inventory, To see ourselves as others would see us, to strip away the rose colored glasses that so wonderfully superimposed image of our desired version of who we WANT to be over who we truly are....
Yet, if we are to grow, if we are to develop, if we truly seek to find the heart that seeks us, to embrace it, to hold it, to become 1 heart with it, this trip cannot be avoided. We must learn who we truly are, and what we truly seek. So it must begin with definitions......
So who am I?
Does this mean I am weak? Damaged? Needy? Distraught? Hardly. Five days of every seven, I don my suit, put on my much despised tie (yes, I truly hate wearing them!), and go help lead a sales team of 25 "Alpha" type personalities, keep the peace between them, and help them retain their focus, energy, and pursuit of their personal and professional goals. THAT my friend, can suck the life out of you .... lol. So why in the world would I ever want to be a Dom in my personal life? Seemingly to continue that same type of developmental role in my time off? Because at my heart, in my core, at the center of who I am ... that is what I am. I can no more change that than the moon can decide to orbit elsewhere for a better view of the universe.
So ...back to my inventory. My honest inventory ....
I am strong. I am resilient
Notice I did not say invincible. I am not pounding my own chest. But, I know I am strong enough to face whatever life has thrown at me so far. And I have both endured it and become a wiser person for the travels.
The death of a parent, the suicide of friends, the end of 30 year marriage, and all the other tribulations and trials of my life, I have weathered them. Not always perfectly, not untouched, and certainly not without damage. But I still exist..... and am stronger for the travel, and have repaired my battle damage, and healed the parts of my soul that took those hits to become the person I am today.
I am not perfect
None of us are. At times I am headstrong and bullheaded, especially when faced with troubles, guess it comes with being Irish German. I tend to muster my strength and prepare for whatever is coming in times of trouble. I know there will be time afterward to repair, but cannot be focused on that during the battle, And if the trouble involves a loved one, God help the person bringing it. Now not saying I am psycho with a pen fetish, but I won't give up defending my own ....
I am not the most physically fit person I know of, lol. But it is something I work on daily. Reason? Because I want to make sure that when I find her, we have all the time I can possibly give her together.. that's why. Because I want to see my granddaughter become the person she is destined to become. Because I want to see my grown children happy with their lives, and succeed in whatever manner suits them. Because I want to live long enough to die with no regrets...
I am not complete
My journey thus far has led me to see a part of me I never knew was there. There is a empty space inside me that will only be filled by completing my journey and find her.. this I know. An ever burning need to find the Holy Grail, the true BDSM Dynamic. Odd how we can live so many years and not see something inside us until we stumble on it unexpectedly ....and finally embrace it.
