I woke up this morning in a place I hardly ever like to ... lol. Yesterday had been a very long and trying work day, one of those days where you come into the house at the end of a workday, and even though the only thing there to greet you is a couple of furry meowing hungry roomies,. you are happy to be finally home. So I had some dinner at my desk, and literally fell asleep in my office chair somewhere around 930 I guess.
So about 430 this morning, I woke up in that damn chair, one of my roomies sitting on my chest looking at me, the other lay on the desk, head resting on my arm, peacefully sleeping. There are worse ways to wake up, and while the sleep was not as good as it could have been, the day could not have started any better. Just how those little villain's knew what I day I had, I have no clue, but ... there they were, and I was happy to have them.
So my day started 2 hours earlier than normal, but it started out well. So I fell asleep with the cage on the the screen, and I woke up to a message and a new profile like! Both good things! As I normally do, I went to each users profile and read their posts and or blogs before communicating with them. I mean, if people take the time to write a profile, or blog, or forum post, I want to read it and learn some about this person reaching out in whatever manner in this electronic world. It makes me feel a bit more like I am talking to a new acquaintance rather than just tossing messages in a bottle out into the ocean
One of them had written a music in bdsm post, and I noticed a Sara McLachlan song on her list. Now that woman has haunted my soul since first hearing "In the arms of the Angels", so naturally, I gave this new song a listen, and once again, very happy about it! This naturally led me back to my favorite song from her, and every time I hear that song it means something different to me!
The first time it resonated with me, was right after I had gotten divorced some years back now. After 30 years of vanilla marriage, she had left, casting all our plans, hopes, dreams, and memories onto lifes funeral pyre. It had ended long before she left, we both knew it, and today, I place no blame or fault. Yet, when it actually happened, I remember how utterly alone and despondent I felt. How I wondered if I had the courage to continue on, to try and rebuild my life, or whether I even wanted to. I had thought of trying to reconcile with her, finding a way to stay together, and then a Conway Twitty song reminded me of the futility of of even trying, she had found somebody new, and was finally happy again, and I had no right to try to take that from her. The lyric that stuck out was:
t's your life, you say you need a change
Don't all the dreams we've seen come true mean anything
You say it's different now and you keep staring at the door
How can you walk away, don't I matter anymore
If being free is worth what you leave behind
And if it's too late for love to change your mind
Then it's goodbye time
Publicly, you would not have known anything changed. I was stoic, strong, and determined in appearance, I sought neither help nor support, I especially hid my true condition from my two wonderful adult children, Both made regular contact checking in on me, and I did what I had to do to convince them I was allright, and help them come to terms with the divorce without casting blame or having them choose sides between their parents. Yet behind the closed doors, only my two furry friends ever really saw the truth. And then I was watching movies one night, and "City of Angels" came on, and that song "In the arms of the Angels" played. It gave me comfort, made me see a flicker of light for the future, and somehow inspired me to tap into my true inner strength and begin the long journey to find myself again, to repair my battle damage, and put my feet back onto lifes pathway/
So, after a year or so of the most honest introspective journey I have ever taken, I came to peace with the situation. I always thought I needed to forgive her for leaving, that somehow that was the ultimate goal. For abandoning everything we had built. For casting aside the vows of forever we both had taken in front of our friends, family, and God. But it simply was not true. You see, our marriage was tested many times. We had faced trials and tribulations most couples I pray will never have to. We had endured so many things, so many challenges, and in retrospect, each challenge took it's toll. Each victory was at the cost of some of our strength.
And when the police knocked on our bedroom door in the middle of a cold winter night ( I still have no idea how they entered the house unless the alarm company let them in) , we had to face one of our children attempting suicide, multiple times over several years, we each poured all of our hearts and souls for years into protecting and helping that child. In the end, it was fine, that child is now fully grown and happily married to a wonderful spouse. But, when that crisis had passed, we woke up as strangers. We still loved each other, and likely always will. But the other parts of the relationship had long since been abandoned, and had fallen into the abyss. We had given all we had into protecting one child, and making sure the other stayed safe. We had grown over the course of the years into different people, leading seperate lives, no longer a couple. And happiness had eluded us in the end. Was it worth it? Neither of us would do it differently if given the chance to do it again. A parent cannot take that risk.
So, my long term goal of forgiving her was true folly. Forgive her for what? For doing what she had to? What we had to? For having the courage to walk away and find happiness again? For realizing it was over and putting it to rest? If anything, I owed her a debt of gratitude. For doing her absolute best to protect the family, for helping to insure our childrens future. And for waiting until they were fully grown and capable of understanding before acting to find her happiness. Had it been left to me, I most likely would have continued on forever, with a good friend living with me, ever mindful of the promises I had made to keep, honor, and protect her. And I would have seen both her and I into oblivion, unhappy, unto the end of our days.
So nowdays, as I listen to this song again, it gives me hope and strength, it reminds me what I am seeking, it shines the promise of a brighter tomorrow above me, helps me continue my quest to find "her", and the true BDSM dynamic. I am finally whole again, able to finally give my heart to another after passing through the fires of hell to get here, and I am ever thankful for the "Arms of the Angels" for helping me get here. And I am eternally grateful for my two furry roomies who know me so well.... together, we'll find her :)
