Staring silently over the forest that embraces the rivers edge last night, I had to take a break from the realities of life and look into the dark, swirling, lightless abyss that I have once again created around myself. I know what I did, and I know why I did it, though I suspect few juries would agree with me instead of showering down rain, conviction, and condemnation upon me.
It was good with us, it was VERY good. We had never laid a hand upon each other, never exchanged a simple kiss, held a hand, or sat outside in the darkness silently looking into each others eyes, and being overjoyed to have the experience. I had planned, as I am certain she had as well, countless trips and activities to share together for the rest of our time. Truth be told, we had never met in real life, only via phone calls and texts.
In our hearts we knew this could be it, this cold easily become forever, and we had to do was let go of old lives and fall together into a new one. And I was ready for it. And I wanted it more than anything. To become her Dom, to look out for, care for, protect, nuture, and help her become whatever she had ever dreamed of becoming.
And from out of nowhere, like life has a tendency to do, my world got crushed, with me underneath it. It started out by developing a little edema in one leg. No prob, saw the doc, he said exercise more, eat better, it’ll vanish. We talked about it, she has a love for cooking stuff that is great for you, so it was another match! I even outfitted a bedroom as a workout room … treadmill, Bike, weights, elliptical etc etc.
Then, right before she was to visit, I got hit by covid, and we had to postpone. I got past it in 10 days, and it reflared the doc said 10 days later for a couple weeks. Then it happened – full force collison at 65 mph. Totaled my truck, and left me with an 8 in gash in my leg. All I could do for 2 weeks was constantly pray for the driver of the other vehicle. He had touch and go, but made it in the end, now a full recovery.
Then, 2 weeks after the accident, I began to get dizzy for no reason, was feeling nausea, and occasionally piercing come and go headaches. So off to the doctor I go. Sure enough, brain injury, I had been slow bleeding for 2 weeks. In I for CCat? Sure enough .. confirmed, but cannot get into a neurologist for 3 more weeks.
Well, since I was on my way home from a seminar for work, my insurance company instituted a claim against my employers Workers Comp policy as I was technically working at the time. My employers takes this badly, and after 21 years of employment, is trying to force me out, get me to quit. So now the home I have nearly paid for is at risk, my entire financial future could be shot, and I might easily be forced to relocate and find a job for a 57 year old man to start over in.
N ow I AM NOT crying in my soup. I can take all this and a lot more and come out the other end. I am far stronger than this bullshit. But … that’s not what I can’t do.
What I cannot do is drag her into this disastrous mess that is about to become my life. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a helluva strong lady, she’s been through hell and back herself. But I just can’t do it to her. My head injury could easily become permanent damage, disabling even, or .. it could just go away. She’s a few years younger than I, but I cannot, will not, turn her into my nursemaid.
In my current condition, I cannot keep her safe, protected. I cannot even guarantee her a home to live in, or her basic needs and wants being met, including physical and mental D/s needs and wants. So, I did the unthinkable, I left her alone. No texts, no calls, and last night by the river I sent her a “sorry” text..which has gone unreplied to. I pray for her she has found another, and it leads to her happiness, because God know she deserves it. As for me, I feel a lot like Puff…..and I am certain to be spending a lot of my time in my cave for now ….
Thanks for the read people, I always find this therapeutic…..
