What is it about the death of a relationship that seems to leave that specter of lost love haunting our future? With every day that passes into history, we feel the pain and trauma less and less, sense it vanishing into our past. We feverishly labor to repair the damages, face our demons, become whole once again, quell the faceless fears that whisper their lies into our hearts when we are alone in the night, until at the end of this particular leg of our journey, we are no longer emotionally paralyzed or crippled by the devastation we have traversed and we pronounce ourselves "over it", and ready to move on.
The damage level is a direct reflection of the depth we cared, loved, and shared ourselves, Following the devastation, each connection became a raw ruthlessly exposed nerve that led directly to the center of our being. But as we say, now it is repaired ...yes? we are over it .. yes? Or is it?
My ex and I separated on "good terms". We both acknowledged that the basic elements of any relationship had long since perished, and that we need to become 2 again. It went well, she took hers, I took mine, never hired a lawyer, and with all but the smallest amount of bickering, went our separate ways, on our own solitary journeys. I am not saying there was no fallout, or that at times we did not miss each other. I took 2 years to "recover and repair" from the end of a 25 year relationship. We remain friends to this day, after all, we raised two children together, and faced some perils in life that I pray you never face. But... we remain friends all the same.
So the other day she wishes to ask my advice about the man she has been seeing for 9 months. Seems they are having issues and she wanted my viewpoint as both a man, and someone who knows her better than she knows herself. Seemed fine at the time, and We talked about it until she was comfortable with a course of action (that worked out well, and put her relationship back on course). Yet, after I left her house, I went for a cruise drive down the Mississippi river bank, and a few songs into my drive, the old specter came flying in from the past, and I found myself dealing with emotions I thought were long since at rest.
Now do not take this the wrong way, I love her as a friend, as the mother of my children, and always will; but not romantically, and have not in many years (a mutual fact we both acknowledged as we ended it), but there are parts of me that deeply love what we were, what we had, what we lost. There is no turning back the hands of time, the people that lived that life, had all those crazy youthful learning experiences together, they no longer exist, and the emotional and romantic forces that both brought and kept them together then no longer exist either ... but their specter does, and every now and then it reaches into my being from nowhere and slaps the shit out of me, probably always will, or at least until or if I do find "her" and complete my journey in the lifestyle to discover the True Bdsm dynamic", and start to form new ties that bind. At least going forward, I am reminded of how truly and deeply I am capable of loving, and once again find myself looking forward to the day when that ability is augmented by a "True Bdsm Dynamic", and that is a power whos scale I am not even capable of imagining or comprehending.
So until that day my little specter, I dedicate this song to you, and all that you are and ever will be.....
Thank you for time to peruse,
Another ID rambling
With Respect,
~ID~
