Dominance and submission is, as I have said before, a dance. It is a power exchange. Note the use of that word: exchange. Give and take. Push and pull. Left and right. Lead and follow.
Something has to be given to be taken, and when a facet is missing, the dance is a stumble, a drag, a collapse. And someone ends up being dragged across the floor on their face, bleeding and frightened.
(This can apply to any part of the power exchange)
I have heard some “dominants” express the following: “asking me to make changes or telling me you don’t like how I’m handling things is topping from the bottom and it’s a sign of a poor submissive.”
No. Wrong. Try again.
Topping from the bottom is when a submissive uses manipulation to get what they want from their Dominant. It is a method of dishonesty and one I find appalling.
But attempting to sit down with their Dominant and lay out needs, desires, fears, and concerns about the dynamic and what needs to change for their own mental/physical/emotional health as a person and as a submissive? That is not “topping from the bottom.” That is called being in a relationship. That is called being a human being who is exchanging their power and who deserves a great deal of care and keeping to make sure that this exchange does not turn into abuse.
I am one to believe that emotional abuse happens in D/s relationships almost more than physical abuse. There doesn’t tend to be a safe word when emotional lines are crossed, when submissives are left feeling alone or silenced because “that’s how it works.” And maybe there should be.
This is why I am a huge supporter of meta talks, of Dominants and submissives sitting down (as Sir and R, not just as T— and R—-) and working out questions, thoughts, and concerns in a non-scene but still D/s mentality.
Dominants: your submissive is giving a massive part of themselves to you. You are opening doors that very few people, if any, ever get to open. You are witness to emotions, desires, feelings, and fears that may never have seen the light of day before you entered their lives.
You cannot silence them because you are the boss. That turns you into an abuser, not a Dominant. That strips your authority and your footing away and shows you as an insecure manipulator using the power you have over this person to get your way despite what emotion wreckage is lingering under the surface.
Submissives: your Dominant has to hear from you. They are not mind-readers. They are not psychic. You have to share your heart when they ask to hear it. If you are in a situation where you are terrified that you will lose the relationship or that they will react in physical or emotional anger or intimidation over your need to be heard? That is a red flag that cannot must not must never be ignored.
Power exchanges require word exchanges.
Power exchanges require emotional work.
Power exchanges require talking, listening, communication, sharing, openness, and trust.
Without those things?
We’re just a big man with a stick standing over a frightened little girl.
