The oft quoted strategy of “assuming good intent” has never sat well with me. To be honest, the first few people who told me I need to do this were people I considered completely untrustworthy. But I’m always open to new ideas, and you can learn great lessons in not so great places. And let’s be honest, it sounds so good. So positive. So personal development. Several rather famous people have quoted versions of it. Truthfully, it is better than the opposite – assuming everyone has negative intent makes you ragey and sets you up for failure.
Surprise, surprise, those individuals who wanted me to ‘assume good intent’ weaponized it against me, took advantage of my good nature, and took me on a twisty-turny gaslit ride. But this isn’t just Salty Sadie having a pity me cry. There’s another expression we know: when you assume, you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’.
Realistically, assuming good intent is equally as blinding as assuming bad intent. It’s not only that unscrupulous characters use this expression to mask their treachery, it’s that if you’re focusing on one type of intent, you’re missing out on all the others. Speaking of others, there isn’t a binary. Yes, there’s good and bad, but there’s indifferent, self-serving, altruistic, and so many other types of intent.
So, what does work? The phrase I’ve found that keeps you open-minded and curious yet free to pivot in any direction is: “I wonder why they said/did that?” Or if you like to avoid the ‘why’: “I wonder what made them say/do that?” By using this phrase, you don’t poison the meeting/relationship/etc. with negative vibes and you don’t blind yourself to focus on positivity only. You put yourself in a neutral-pleasant state and allow things to play out naturally and see which direction they go in with less bias.