I believe that consent is wonderful, it's legally necessary, AND that it may not protect you. Some people believe that the consent requirment will keep them safe. It should keep you safe, but we don't live in that world yet. As black and white as consent should be, not everyone agrees on what exactly consent is. And accidents happen. And some people don't give a fuck about consent. And, and, and.
We live in a (vanilla) world where no does not mean no. Amazon is full of books that teach 'overcoming objections,' 'getting past no,' 'getting to yes,' etc. We are constantly bombarded with messages that teach us that 'no' is just a little bump in the road to 'yes'. As much as we don't want to admit this, it affects us in the kink community at large.
When two people negotiate, I believe that they are both 100% responsible for showing up to the table in good faith, having done due diligence, and doing their best to cover every base. Those who know better are also responsible for doing better. As a Top with a decent amount of experience when I play with a new, or new to me person, I insist on negotiating to yes only (sometimes refered to as "inclusive"). I bring more knowledge and experience to the negotiation table, I am at an advantage, and I am responsible to use all of that in good faith. My 100% covers more area than a new person's 100%.
At the negotiating table, we are each 100% responsible for ESTABLISHING our boundaries.
Now. Here's where things get confusing and need to get really clear.
(This is easier to conceptualize from the perspective of the bottom so we'll start there but this applies to Tops as well)
The bottom has stated their limits at the negotiation table.
In scene, it is not the bottom's responsibility to enforce their boundaries or limits. It is the Top's responsibility to respect those limits and boundaries.
Fight, Flight, FREEZE, and FAWN are all very real, and often involuntary, responses to consent violation/trauma/etc.
(deep breath)
It is also highly advantageous for the bottom to enforce their limits, enforce their boundaries, and say no. It is highly advantageous AND not their responsibility.
Well, what do we do with that? We need to embrace the expectation vs reality world. We as a community (especially those of us who know better) need to start teaching what to do when things go wrong. Not only teach, but practice it as well. If you want to get a clearer idea of what I'm talking about check out this video
(I'm not affiliated.)I believe this starts at munches and I believe it starts with everyone. A simple, polite, oh hey, we ask before we touch people, goes a long way. If you notice someone freeze while being touched, intervene - a simple, polite, oh hey, we ask before we touch people. If someone intervenes on you mistakenly be gracious, oh hey, I did, you must have missed it.
I teach classes in this vein. (I was terrified that I would be called a 'victim blamer' however the classes were well received.)
There's a lot to unpack here and a lot of it is not mutually exclusive. It really is a puzzle with a lot of pieces!
I'd like to add one more practice that I follow - as my bottom drifts into subspace, the deeper they go the more responsibility I have to keep my word and to keep them safe. They go to a place where they may not be able to respond. I put them in that place. It's my responsibility to bring them back safe.
Lastly, if something I wrote seems confusing, feel free to ask me to explain.
