3 years ago. January 19, 2021 at 11:55 PM
Wondering what makes Dom/mes so hesitant to ask for aftercare?
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Sadie's Sweets
Wicked and sweet thoughts of a sadist.
HGB(sub female){Scottish M}
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I think it's just as important. It's not discussed much. The first person I encountered in the lifestyle had me research that and other things.
3 years ago
SirsBabyDoll(sub female){Pizza+☕}
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Pride....that's what prevents them.
Pride.
They think that because they are Doms that they need to be infallible.
Pride.
They think that because they are Doms that they need to be infallible.
3 years ago
Max Sterne(dom male){Morley}
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After care, for me, comes in the form of taking care of my sub. Taking care of her is taking care of me.
3 years ago
Bunnie
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Edited:
This is an important question. I remember observing a pattern of what I called “Dom drop” in the first Dom I met with. For about a week after our sessions we both dropped, however he wasn’t really aware that he was dropping or how much his drop may have been impacting the decisions he was making for that week after. When I pointed out this pattern to him, it at least allowed him to recognise it a bit more. What he did with that information I’m not sure. I think perhaps sometimes it’s just not seen that Dom/mes, as individuals, may have aftercare needs too.
On that note though, how many people take responsibility for their own aftercare? It’s always placed as being the responsibility of the Dominant. I always ask, why? Why is it not our responsibility to know what we need and what brings us comfort? It’s great if part of that comfort involves the other person, but I don’t see it as their responsibility. I believe it’s up to us all to know what we need. That’s the only way any of us can ask for it, or provide it to ourselves if need be.
So perhaps when we start teaching everyone that they need to learn what their needs are, and that it’s then up to them to ask for help in achieving those, we may see a shift in Dominants feeling ok to do the same?
They don’t even need to get their care from their submissive... it could come from support of other Dominants. I agree though, it would be great to see more of it.
This is an important question. I remember observing a pattern of what I called “Dom drop” in the first Dom I met with. For about a week after our sessions we both dropped, however he wasn’t really aware that he was dropping or how much his drop may have been impacting the decisions he was making for that week after. When I pointed out this pattern to him, it at least allowed him to recognise it a bit more. What he did with that information I’m not sure. I think perhaps sometimes it’s just not seen that Dom/mes, as individuals, may have aftercare needs too.
On that note though, how many people take responsibility for their own aftercare? It’s always placed as being the responsibility of the Dominant. I always ask, why? Why is it not our responsibility to know what we need and what brings us comfort? It’s great if part of that comfort involves the other person, but I don’t see it as their responsibility. I believe it’s up to us all to know what we need. That’s the only way any of us can ask for it, or provide it to ourselves if need be.
So perhaps when we start teaching everyone that they need to learn what their needs are, and that it’s then up to them to ask for help in achieving those, we may see a shift in Dominants feeling ok to do the same?
They don’t even need to get their care from their submissive... it could come from support of other Dominants. I agree though, it would be great to see more of it.
3 years ago
SirsBabyDoll(sub female){Pizza+☕}
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Bravo Bunnie! I would add though a couple points. For.me, when I first started out, I had no idea what.mu aftercare needs were!
What? Care after sex??? Da fuck is THAT? I thought it was wham bam thank you ma'am and now let's sleep. When I'm in subspace, I can't talk....however, my first Dom tried a few different things and I learned. I take that knowledge and I SHARE IT with my next partner, BEFORE we scene or play.....
It's all about self discovery and then communicating that knowledge to your partner. If they don't know, they can't help you!
None of us are mind readers and everyone is different.
What? Care after sex??? Da fuck is THAT? I thought it was wham bam thank you ma'am and now let's sleep. When I'm in subspace, I can't talk....however, my first Dom tried a few different things and I learned. I take that knowledge and I SHARE IT with my next partner, BEFORE we scene or play.....
It's all about self discovery and then communicating that knowledge to your partner. If they don't know, they can't help you!
None of us are mind readers and everyone is different.
3 years ago
Bunnie
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That’s a great point. I discovered mine by listening to what my body told me I needed. Was I thirsty? Cold? Did I need comfort? That’s how we discover what we need... not by waiting to be told or given a generic aftercare routine... but by listening to ourselves. Although I look at it as how do I comfort the part of me that needs comforting by using what has worked throughout my life in similar instances, there are always physical basics I still cover... hydration, nourishment (good food... not too heavy, not to light... snacks like nuts and fruit), warmth (our body temperature drops after play) and comfort (whatever that may be... a fluffy blanket or hoodie). That’s when I then observe what I’m needing emotionally. And we need to be flexible with listening... I discovered that after rope I craved icecream. I don’t normally eat icecream, but it gave me a deep comfort, so it became a part of my rope aftercare. And there’s always the possibility that down the line those needs may change.
3 years ago