For me, the essence of love is to look, listen, see, hear, acknowledge and, where one can, affirm.
One can speculate, but one cannot see someone who hides, hear someone who is silent, acknowledge someone who is hidden and silent, affirm someone who is invisible .
Reading through blogs and forum posts, talking with friends i have made in this community, it seems communication (or the lack thereof) is a common and ongoing impediment to connection, relationship. It certainly has been for me.
i've tried to put my finger on why? Is it that guys just aren't inclined to communicate beyond a certain level? Amount? Then i have to admit, i'm a guy, and i always seem to be the one writing, sharing, opening up. Sometimes i think i write too much, but the guys i connect with pretty much universally claim to like that. They like being written too, openness, vulnerability.
Then i wonder if it's because i am gay and my desire/need to communicate is part of my 'feminine' or 'gay' side? But i am usually talking with gay (or Bi) guys when it comes to a romantic tangle, and seem to encounter the same incommunicado challenges as my straight sub women friends.
Of my friends here, the majority are women, mostly sub women, often encounter similar imbalance. So i wonder, is it a D/s thing? Is it that subs just need/want more communication than Dom's? But then, i see Dom's on this site who appear to put out the effort to nurture and maintain relationship through communication, who seem to want/need it as much as subs.
my experience, as well as the experiences of several friends i have spoken with, is usually things start out great. There's an initial effort where there is a balance of exchange, but then the responses get fewer and/or shorter, less substantive. It also seems common that, upon query, the other person insists they want relationship. Is it because they have already given all they have? Are they on empty now? Is it fear? Is it lack of self knowledge? Is it laziness? Is it ignorance? Is it a complex combination of all of these? Is it _____________?
Why is it so rare to find a balanced, connection with someone, where both make and ongoing (not just initial) effort at openness and communication? i'm not talking about instances where there has been enough communication to establish that there isn't a match. That's why the gods invented ghosting. i'm referring to those seemingly common instances where the non communicating person insists they want relationship, but things end in a sort of stale mate because one of the parties is... stale.
This particular blog is inspired by a blog i read today by AngelBunny titled: "Lasso of Truth" i thought it was a wonderful, insightful and worthwhile read, so thank you to her for writing it.
To me, "life" or "living" is connection and relationship. i believe a universal thread that binds us all together is the need/desire for love. To me, love has a wonderful, fluffy, mysterious side to it, but that it also has a practical side (more on that later). i see the need/desire for love (in part) as the need/desire to be seen/heard, acknowledged and affirmed, and i think it's something everyone needs/desires. i see the practice of love (in part) as the practice of looking, listening, seeing, hearing, acknowledging and affirming another (valuing them?).
To me, "life/living" (or a big part of it) is "connection." Many (most?) are here looking for it in some form, eh? i believe the 'best' connections happen mixed with (because of?) "love." i think love helps both open and sustain connection. i also think compatibility (especially of kinks) is as important as love (which i know flies in the face of a lot of cultural notions... topic for a different blog).
i see "reflection" as a beautifully layered word, i can imagine it literally, like looking in a mirror and seeing our self. i think we can self reflect, and i think we can 'see' our self reflected in relationship/s by/with others. i think "seeing" what is there, who and what we are, is important because that's what experiences love, connects and bonds to others. That, the more we see, the greater the potential for love, connection and bonding. Or, put another way, unseen is being/knowing lonely, unloved, un-connected, un-bonded.
i see self reflection as a vital component. We need to know ourselves if we are going to reveal ourselves, strip, expose something another wants/needs. But if all we have is self reflection, i think it's easy to get a narrow and/or distorted 'reflection.' i think relationship can be like a mirror that further aids self discovery, but no ones 'mirror' is flawless, so the reflection we see of ourselves in others isn't perfect either. Enter another layer of "love."
i left (my) religion 14 years ago, 'it' did a lot of damage, but i got good stuff from it too, stuff i kept/keep. One thing i keep is parts of a discussion of "love" in the bible. In the King James translation there's a statement that: "we see through a glass darkly," i absolutely love that phrase/analogy, and for me it has layered meaning. During the time period of King James, those who had mirrors, used dark, rippled glass, as mirrors. One meaning i see in "see through a glass darkly" is the reflection one sees of ones self is correspondingly "dark and rippled." Another "layer" for me is that we see others "through a glass darkly." I.e, we don't see them wholly, clearly, either.
The discussion goes on to say: "in many things we all stumble... we know and see in part," then brings in "love," and as i read it, states an argument for love is because "we know and see in part... see through a glass darkly." As i see it, it gives some attributes of love? In a more modern translation (New International Version): "4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love ... rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
To me, that's just a sort of break down of graciousness born out of the understanding, grasping, that we all "see through a glass darkly." That, "hey, i'm hurt or pissed because you________. But then the practice of love gives space for flaws, or can bridge that space? i see "love" as a principle to try and live by, a practice... not a place we ever reach permanently, but at times? A standard that can re-center a relationship, as well as an important ongoing ingredient. i think"love" is an ingredient that makes vulnerability, openness, honesty, more possible, thus helping enable connection and bonding. To me, it helps to see some of the practical side of love, it's not all ethereal and foggy.
A quick re-interjection here: i think a lot of religions/religious, and others, have turned "love" into a weapon of sorts, into a passive aggressive act using the ideal to manipulate and control... usually one sided. i think it only works in relationship if both are truly dedicated to its practice individually, not because they are chided or guilted into it. i think a lot of religions deteriorate into that because they rely on magic instead of compatibility (yeah, i know, that's a topic on its own for me, and this blog is already long and complex).
Thanks to Ingénue{Círdan} there is a recent spate of blogs in THE CAGE, written by males... mostly "Dom males." my first thought is they are not so much suddenly sold on the idea of blogging as they can't resist their instinctual (natural?) urge to rise... to a challenge? Time may tell.
i get to proudly declare that with >360 forum entries (many lengthy), i'm not among the non-writers in the cage, but this is my first blog. Apparently to some, it's 'different for girls'? Pause for musical interjection:
As a gay sub i have often wondered if my love of, and propensity for, writing has something to do with my wiring? Is it because i'm gay and it's a result or expression of my feminine side? But then, that stereotype unravels for me because it turns out i am just as frustrated as many women are with their straight guys, by all the gay guys who don't 'blog' (read: "open up and talk about their thoughts and feelings").
Ever that analyst, i have come up with all sorts of reasons for that.
1. Blame the patriarchy. Lol, no really. Cliche aside, i think there is some truth to putting at least partial blame on engrained (patriarchal) cultural conditioning that has trained boys from birth that they are different when it comes to stuff like having feelings and expressing thought and feeling. An irony is how much of that conditioning comes from women (mothers, aunts, teachers) who have internalized patriarchy also conditioned in. i am convinced that a lot of internalized patriarchal influence still flies under the radar, even in a more enlightened era.
2. Biology? Neuropsychiatrist and writer Louann Brizendine has authored two books that look at our biological/brain wiring: "The Female Brain" and "The Male Brain." On page six of her book "The Female Brain" she notes: "Under a microscope or an fMRI, the differences between male and female brains are revealed ot be complex and widespread. It the brain enters for language and hearing, for example, women have 11 percent more neurons than men. The principal hub fo both emotion and memory formation-the hippocampus-is also larger in the female brain, as is the brain circuitry for language and observing emotions in others. This means that women are, on average, better at expressing emotions and remembering details of emotional events. Men, by contrast, have two and a half times the brain space devoted to sexual drive as well as larger brain centers for action and aggression." Note: as a scientist, i think Dr Brizendine may overreach a bit with her conclusions, but i think she raises points for further query? She also promises to write a book on "The Gay Brain," which is also different in its physiology.
3. Given the prior two points, i think most men may be handicapped ( both by nature and nurture) when it comes to emotional communication? Which is not to say guys cannot do it. Check out the percentage of authors and screen writers who are men? Which is not to excuse the crime of sexism that has limited female contributions, but to note that it is entirely possible for men to learn how to know and express things like emotion. It may take work, but i think men can learn how to communicate things like emotion, their inner self, even if it doesn't come as naturally to do so.
i was an avid reader as kid. i sensed i was different from most boys and learned how to hide very early on (five or six years old retrospectively). It took till i was about 14 to bury myself for survival. i grew up in a conservative religious household, just to add to the fun and help bury more parts of me. But even as a kid i can remember how frustrated i'd become with my dad, trying to get him to open up and share himself. We didn't do a lot of talking or sharing in our family, so books became my best friends.
Later on in life, i realized that i had developed people reading skills in order to satisfy my need for communication and connection in a family that did not use words. One thing i learned was how a side effect to being in an environment where words were used minimally to communicate was the notion and expectation that others were people readers too. Turns out that people reading can greatly enhance/supplement communication, but on its own (without words), is horribly inadequate. As an aside, i wonder how many guys are stuck in a place where they assume (unconsciously) that people/mind reading is an adequate thing? That people know more about them than they have actually revealed?
i began learning how to communicate when i married. Initially i would get very frustrated with my wife, assuming she knew how i thought or felt about a thing, even though i had not adequately communicated. i'd actually get angry with her, assuming she was toying with me. The funny thing is, i quickly surpassed her when it came to communication her once i realized i had to use words.
Turned out i was less afraid of being open and vulnerable, and the tables turned. With me it was ignorance that kept me from communicating, with her it was fearful hiding. So, a word of warning to the self protective out there looking for communicating mates, be careful what you ask for.