For now I feel so lost. I think this whole divorce thing is really getting to me. I know it’s for the best but I feel I’m losing a big part of my identity. I mean who am I and where do I fit in if I’m not someone’s wife. I’ve been a wife for 11 years. I know others have done it for longer. Why is this so damn hard? I know with every fiber of my being I’m making the right decision. My life goal was to be a wife and mother. I know not very much of a goal. But guess what I was proud of meeting those goals. So I guess when you take one of those away it makes me feel like a failure. I know I tried my best and put up with more shit than I should have. I honestly regret not walking away sooner. Why did I put myself through this? Why did I stay? My only answer is because I was stupid and foolish. Why could I not have realized this sooner? I wish someone could grab me and look me in the eyes and say stop, don’t do this to yourself. You didn’t fail. Your going to be ok and come out on the other side a better person and a better mother. It might not happen right away but it WILL happen. So keep your head up and take it one step at a time. I know why I stayed. I stayed because I was taught it wasn’t ok to walk away. I stayed because I lied to myself and said marriage isn’t easy and it not supposed to be and I can tough it out and fix it. I stayed because I didn’t want to face the hurt. I stayed because I didn’t want to carry the weight of a failed marriage. But I deserve so much better. I deserve to be loved unconditionally despite my flaws. I deserve to feel wanted and shown endless affection. I deserve to be happy. I hope by making this decision I can show my daughter it’s ok to walk away from things that don’t make you happy even if it was supposed to be forever. Mommy loves you little girl and I do everything for you. I know this isn’t related to bdsm but it’s what's weighing on me the most right now.
5 years ago. November 12, 2019 at 2:51 AM
