Musings of my journey in Bdsm

For now I feel so lost. I think this whole divorce thing is really getting to me. I know it’s for the best but I feel I’m losing a big part of my identity. I mean who am I and where do I fit in if I’m not someone’s wife. I’ve been a wife for 11 years. I know others have done it for longer. Why is this so damn hard? I know with every fiber of my being I’m making the right decision. My life goal was to be a wife and mother. I know not very much of a goal. But guess what I was proud of meeting those goals. So I guess when you take one of those away it makes me feel like a failure. I know I tried my best and put up with more shit than I should have. I honestly regret not walking away sooner. Why did I put myself through this? Why did I stay? My only answer is because I was stupid and foolish. Why could I not have realized this sooner? I wish someone could grab me and look me in the eyes and say stop, don’t do this to yourself. You didn’t fail. Your going to be ok and come out on the other side a better person and a better mother. It might not happen right away but it WILL happen. So keep your head up and take it one step at a time. I know why I stayed. I stayed because I was taught it wasn’t ok to walk away. I stayed because I lied to myself and said marriage isn’t easy and it not supposed to be and I can tough it out and fix it. I stayed because I didn’t want to face the hurt. I stayed because I didn’t want to carry the weight of a failed marriage. But I deserve so much better. I deserve to be loved unconditionally despite my flaws. I deserve to feel wanted and shown endless affection. I deserve to be happy. I hope by making this decision I can show my daughter it’s ok to walk away from things that don’t make you happy even if it was supposed to be forever. Mommy loves you little girl and I do everything for you. I know this isn’t related to bdsm but it’s what's weighing on me the most right now. 

I finally have come to a conclusion I have been fighting for far too long. I just didn’t want to accept my truth. I actually became very angry with daddy for pushing and asking about said truth. I wasn’t ready to let myself admit what I knew was there (sorry daddy). I have been married for 11 years and have spent half my life with a man I thought I loved. I now understand we never loved each other the way we should have. Do I regret my marriage? No. Do I think we fucked up by marrying. Yes. This has caused so much unnecessary pain on both sides. We have sat down and talked about how neither one of us are having our needs met and that we’ve both been lying to ourselves for far too long. Divorce is what we both agree is best. Guess what that’s ok. We tried and we failed but we learned from each other. I will leave this marriage with a beautiful child that came out of it. This is also a factor in us choosing the divorce. We both want what’s best for our child and that is us getting out of a miserable marriage before it’s starts becoming a problem for our child. Our child deserves to have happy parents to be raised by. I love my husband because he’s my best friend and the father of my child but it extends no further than that. I had someone ask if I was going to move in with my dom. No, I am not. I am discovering who I am. I’m not ready for another committed relationship like that. I enjoy my dom but that’s not what I want right now. I want to be alone to explore my new found sexuality and discover what it is I truly want. I want to see what makes me tick. I want to fall in love with myself before I fall in love with someone else. I just want to truly find out who I am and what I’ve been keeping suppressed for so long. Wish me luck on this adventure 🥰 

Here I am again longing for daddy’s touch, kiss, embrace or anything that he will give me. I’m sure that’s not the only thing he would give out. I’m positive there would be pain but I would gladly accept it for the pain sets me free, it releases me from the hurt I don’t want to face or I’m not ready to face. I just want to forget and not think if only for a moment. I would beg for that sweet release no matter how fleeting it was.

Well today I turned 30. My thoughts on the matter are very conflicted. Part of me feels like there goes my youth. The other part says yay and celebrate that you met another milestone. I mean today was like any other day. It was lonely and sad. Yes, I had daddy but he can only do so much and I appreciate what he does do because he doesn’t have to do anything. Honestly I’m hurt. Not because of daddy but because I have someone in my life that is supposed to be there for me and isn’t. I received nothing from said person besides a Happy Birthday and a kiss on the forehead. I want so much more. Why did I end up where I’m at and so damn unhappy? It’s not fair. I want to just give up and accept my fate to forever feel alone in this world surrounded by people who supposedly love me but don’t. I also feel the Fighter in me rising up and saying no this is not your fate. Your destined to be happy and truly loved. I have a very hard decision to make to ensure this but it’s so hard and so scary. I question what I need to do because what I’m doing now makes me unhappy but it’s safe. The other way there is so many unknowns. I’m stuck at this fork in the road that I feel is impossible. I know this post probably makes no sense but I write it for me not really anyone else.

Love you daddy 💋

Today started out with a Good Morning from daddy so it was a good start. Daddy even helped me pick out an outfit for a birthday party I was going to later in the day. I slipped into that outfit with pride and confidence that I haven’t felt in a long while. The funny thing is I picked that same outfit earlier, before I had the thought to let daddy help me so when he picked it out it was like it confirmed how in sync we were. So the time came for the party. I entered happy, confident, carefree and a social butterfly which is not me normally but the longer daddy is in my life the happier I am because he teaches me how to love myself and that I am worthy of love. Daddy helps me find a confidence I never knew I had. So I enjoyed myself but that quickly changed. You see I was offered a motorcycle ride with an older 60 something male who at the time was intoxicated and I did not know. I excitedly accepted because I love riding on motorcycles. I trusted this man I’ve known him for like 7-8 years so I had no reason to worry. He’s also my lifelines husband. I was wrong. I wish I had never climbed on that bike. I had on a dress but shorts on underneath so no problem right? Wrong. The first 30 seconds were fine but that quickly changed. As soon as we hit the road he automatically said now don’t touch my penis. At first I thought he was joking and just aggravating me but no he just kept repeating himself and pushing back against my chest  wiggling to feel my chest against his back while telling me how hard I was making him. He then stated he could feel my hot pussy against him as he continued to push back into me and wiggle. I tried my best to close my legs.  I repeatedly told him I wasn’t doing anything. He eventually asked me if I wanted to feel how hard I was making him I quickly rejected the offer and said I’m good. He proceeded to tell me how it was a shame we didn’t have a blanket so he could take me into a cave and have sex with me. The whole time I was stunned and didn’t know what to do. I mean I was on the back of a bike what was I going to do. He even said my husband didn’t know what he had and if he couldn’t give it to me to let him know and he would gladly give it to me. This whole ordeal was about 15 mins. I thought it would never end. As soon as we returned and we stopped I hopped off the bike and texted daddy and told him what happened. I told his wife as well. So I entered happy and left feeling disgusted and violated. I know it may seem small to others but for me it was a huge deal. You see I’ve been molested on several occasions and I am scared of most men. So for me to trust one takes a lot and for someone to do that breaks me. Questions keep running through my head. Why does this keep happening? Is it my fault? What am I doing wrong? I know I’m the victim and it’s not my fault but it still leaves me feeling dirty. *deep breath* Somehow I have to move past this but how? I don’t know where to begin. 

Once again daddy has amazed me. He experienced one of my breakdowns yesterday and instead of me being alone to suffer with it like I usually am he gladly stepped up and let me lean on him. I said somethings to him I really shouldn’t have because I’ve been dealing with a lot this week. I asked him, well no, told him I deserved something I shouldn’t have asked for in the first place. I almost demanded it. Instead of daddy getting mad at my brattiness he stayed calm and addressed why he couldn’t give me what I thought I deserved. I should know better. I know that daddy will always give me what he can and it’s not fair to ask him for more than that. I shouldn’t question it but I did. I did apologize and tell him that it not my place to say such things to him he welcomed my apology and when I tried to apologize further he stopped me and said you’ve already said sorry there’s no reason to go into another apology. This is new to me. I’m constantly apologizing about everything but have never had someone stop me. Daddy knew exactly what to say to calm me down yesterday. I don’t understand how daddy can know me so well. But he does. Daddy is slowly helping me find myself and building me up and for that I am glad. ❤️ 

Ok. I’ve just started this journey of mine I’ve always been interested in bdsm but have been scared to really pursue it. Some people may disagree with my choice of submitting to someone I just met online several days ago but I have so that’s that. I honestly joined this site to learn more than what I already knew about this lifestyle. I did not go into this adventure looking for a Dom to submit to but somehow it has happened. I don’t know how but daddy has reached into me somehow and pulled out things I never knew were there.  He’s made me feel things I’ve never felt or have long forgotten. Daddy has found my broken pieces and somehow put them back together. I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety since I had my daughter 5 years ago and have spent an unknown amount of money on trying to fix myself and no medicine or doctor has helped to heal that broken part of me. I’m happier than I have been in a very long time and when I smile it’s genuine not I mask I put on to hide the pain.There’s something about Daddy that makes it so easy to submit. I don’t understand it. How can this be? How is this what I’ve always needed? Daddy makes me want to love myself for the first time and to be the best person I can be and so much more. How does it feel like my heart has always known his, that somehow we just fit? 

Would love to know if I’m the only one who has experienced this and some thoughts on the matter.