I have 3 wonderful sisters and 1 baby brother (he's an adult but he's still my baby brother). I love them all to death but there's one sister in particular that tells me often that she can't do certain things because of the way her partner will react. This is where I'm going to start my fucking rant and be warned, I'm about to get reeeall sailor mouthed on this post.
A little backround, I was in two very abusive relationships. 9 years total of abuse. I know about abuse.
There is a fucking difference between fucking bdsm and consent and plain out disrespectful disregard for your boundaries and limits. That also goes for vanilla relationships. There are many forms of abuse. Firstly he manipulates her and guilts her into doing things she doesn't want to do or into not doing things she wants to do. When you are TOO AFRAID to say NO or ANYTHING to your partner because of how he'll react that's ABUSE. Let me give you an example. Billybobjoebob wants you to suck his dick and you are quite frankly not in the head space to give head. But if you say no Billybobjoebob is going to say no to giving you a ride to work as revenge for not sucking his dick so now you feel like your only choice is to say yes. You know this because he's done it before. If he can't accept no without later punishing you for it he's taking advantage of your vulnerability. That's not how being a partner works. Bdsm or otherwise. A true good Dom and partner who gives a shit about you and your well being will respect your boundaries and won't push the limits without your consent! And fear is not a consent. Unless fear is your kink. But that's a different conversation. Now let's go to guilt. When my sister wants to go on a girls night out with me he guilts her by saying "Did you forget you're a mother or do you just not care about our kids" FIRST AND FOREMOST MOTHERFUCKER she is still a human fucking being and you get to go out as you please whenever you want as often as you want. From a bdsm standpoint let's say you don't want to have a threesome, let's say you don't want to have sex, let's say you don't want to play today but he or she guilts you into it by telling you you're being a bad pet/slave/sub/girl/boy and you don't respect him or her as your Dom and that must mean you don't love him or her. IF THEY CAN NOT RESPECT THAT YOU MAY OCCASIONALLY NEED A FUCKING MINUTE TO RECOVER FROM THE SHIT GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE WITHOUT ADDING ONTO IT IT'S ABUSE.
Now the more obvious abuse is physical abuse correct? My sister's husband/partner has yanked her around a few times. He's much larger than her. But she refuses to acknowledge it as abuse because he "only did it a few times" and "he hasn't done it again since then". Lemme tell you something. I have been physically abused. I'm ok with talking about it. He was 6'2 and I'm 4'11. 75%of the time he was just throwing me around like a rag doll. He left grab marks on my neck, arms, legs.. Everywhere he could. But then after a while the throwing around became more. Even if it hadn't become more it was already abuse. I endured that for 9 years total.
I talk about this because I didn't know. For a long time I didn't know I was being abused. I didn't realize how scared I was of this person that I loved. I didn't know until I left and started having nightmares about them holding me hostage. And she doesn't know either. I talk about this because.. it hurts to think no one is talking about it. No one brings it up. It's such a taboo subject and considering many would consider this a taboo place I figured why not post this here. When you're doing things or saying yes or being punished and you're uncomfortable about it and they won't have a conversation with you about it or won't respect your boundaries. When you give consent out of fear or guilt you're not giving consent. When they can't be wrong even when they are wrong. They do not care about you. They care about what you do for them. Don't get me wrong I am very self serving. But not at the expense of the people I give a shit about. I would never ask more of my partner than they are willing or comfortable giving. Thankfully I was able to get out and I can recognize the signs in others now. I am lucky to have my boundaries respected and to be able to voice my opinion so loudly as I often do. But just because I'm not going through it now doesn't mean I'm going to stop fighting for those who are