You think, if you try to do everything right, you'll be rewarded in the end. In time she'll accept you and all the demons you actually love, that are in your head.
You get married, work hard to provide and give her and the kids a pretty nice life. Only to be shunned at even the mention of sex. Arms crossed when you come in to give a huge, so there's no chance you'll get the idea it's ok to touch her tits. But, it's ok, she'll come around, just keep being a good father and husband. It will all work out.
Then it doesn't, and after 22 years of doing everything and being everything she needed you come home and she's gone. After 22 years of kids, and Christmas's, home work and endless soccer games and regattas. In one night, it all goes away. It never got better and the demons are still there worse than before and unsatisfied.
As I sat in my now silent home, single and an empty nester in one single night, I have to deal with not having anyone to take care of, or come home to. And yet the demons rage on.
It's been a year and a half and I'm no closer to finding that perfect person, making sure my past mistakes don't come back to haunt me again.
Will I ever find her? Will I ever find the one who loves me, and adores my demons as well?
I just turned 47 on the 6th, and I feel my time has ran out. I look back and wish I had done things differently, but I know my kind heart wouldn't have allowed me, just like it wouldn't let me this time.
Time is a fickle thing, your heart and mind has grown and still feels young, it wants to feel life and that special feeling when we are living our perfect vanilla life and our dark passion in our private life.
Time may not be on my side, but maybe, maybe she will accidentally find me.
