As I grow and discover new parts of myself, I find that there are pieces of the past I struggle to make peace with. Me writing this is my way of making peace. I’m not a strong verbal communicator, my words get twisted up and I use the wrong ones in times when I need the write ones the most. However. After thought and effort I can typically express my thoughts, nearly effortlessly in writing. So here I am.
My past has been haunting me recently. There was trauma I blamed myself for as a child, relationships I stepped back from, blaming myself all the while. You see I struggle with realizing that my presence is a gift whether that be in my submission, dominance, or just living outside of kink and bdsm. There are many around me who say they miss the old me, and for a while I did as well. She didn’t confront people, went with the flow, kept her head down, and was meek and always so willing to help. However, she didn’t know how much of a gem she was. Smart, talented in more aspects other than what she can do for others, and above else kind. She is someone with a healing heart and wild soul, free spirit. Who she chooses to let in should be done so carefully. Fear controlled her every move. Fear of not being enough, fear of failing, fear of rocking the boat or creating waves. As fearful as she still is she is also tired. Tired of hearing that the woman she grows into is for naught as people pine for her old docile ways. She is tired. No longer will she serve u less the dynamic also serves her. Not in the sense of topping from the bottom but in the sense that of the relationship is harmful in anyway it is not the relationship she needs to indulge in. Her time is precious. She is me.
I will no longer just idly be. Maybe it’s due to me discovering strength in not just submission but dominance as well…but I no longer feel the need to bend over backwards to serve others. Instead I am quick to ask what can you do for me. I don’t mean this in a material way. I’m financially stable with a place of my own and don’t need to be provided Ed for. So now it’s a matter of I’m here and giving my Dominance or submission because I want to, no longer because I need to. Although I need the expression of each I will no longer line after dynamics that don’t serve me. It must nourish me in some way mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I want to be moved by the connection.
I will not be returning to the lost, scared girl for anyones comfort. I am sincerely sorry to those who I hurt with this, who I’ve hurt in the past as someone hurting myself, and to anyone who is mourning the girl I used to be. I am not sorry for changing. For molding into a woman I can live with and love everyday. It is a wonderful feeling to begin to love yourself and I will no longer give that feeling up for ANYONE. I no longer feel the need to be a people pleaser. If you are not pleased by my presence I will no longer make myself smaller or less bright. Even in my submission I am a Queen and will now behave as such. Being a switch submissive does not mean I need to be meek. Furthermore as I discover more aspects of my Domme energy I will no longer allow myself to be meek. Seeing both sides of the spectrum I feel it takes more strength to totally submit to someone anyhow, therefore in my mind submission and weakness/meekness no longer go hand in hand. I will not return to anyone I e stepped away from as I feel like I need yo look forward to the new connections I will make as I heal and learn on this journey. I am sorry for those who may feel hurt or abandoned by this but I must start doing for myself what I would have done for others: leave, heal, spoil myself.
