The next morning my daughter, 17, came into my room to let me know she was leaving for school. Immediately she noticed my puffy red eyes and the sadness on my face. I told her that "R" and I had broken up. (I never referred to Him as Master in front of her). Tears fell from her eyes as she hugged me and held me, trying to console me. She loved Him too, especially since He made me the happiest she had ever seen me.
After she left I got a fresh coffee and looked to the internet for .. I didn't know what. I packed a bowl and started nursing it. I began by visiting the online site where we had met. I went through every room looking for signs that he had been there. Stopping at a quiet room, no postings for days. This room was meant for O/ones to rant, rave, vent. That is just what I did. Crying, venting, sitting back to think and then clutching my chest, feeling hollow, then typing some more. I was a physical, emotional, and mental mess, but I didn't care. I had no closure. Why didn't he take back his collar?
For the next three and a half months I began leading a very unsafe life as far as the lifestyle. (Always when my daughter was at school or work). Hours spent at the keyboard, chatting, emails, people who said they were "Dom" wanting to do unimaginably cruel things to me. "I didn't care". There were four that I met, (not so cruel), although they each had their own kinks, at restraunts out to dinner. I needed to be "safe" for my daughter. The first two, there was no "chemistry". The third one I saw a second time, at my house. He taught me about candle wax. The fourth one I saw three times. The first two times we met out to dinner, then went into His SUV to just talk. The third time we got together for dinner at a place near where I lived, then went back to my house. He helped me experience light rope bondage, as well as a "crop" at different intensities, after which we talked for almost two hours.
This last Dom was a very nice man. Through all the talking we had done I had come back to almost the center of myself. The miles between us caused us to remain just friends. We kept in touch online.
I needed to stop looking for a Dom. I needed to "Dom" myself, be my own boss. My self esteem increased the more I did things that made me happy, including my artwork that had long been put aside. After awhile I settled into my "new normal" and began to live again, sometimes plagued with the empty feeling in my heart.